Whatever it was it felt great!

My experience has taught me that I can rely on my intuition but yesterday it reached the sky and beyond. Nothing special; just separate little things that, once put together, add the needed spice to make life taste better. In the morning I put “Niggy Tardust” in the player and I pressed “random” thinking about “Raw” and that song started! I got up on a very crowded bus, chose a spot and thought: “Maybe the woman sitting next to me will get off at the next stop and can use the seat”. And so it happened. After work I went to my favorite café which I am addicted to but since it preferred by many people it’s always hard to find a free table. But as I was walking to it I thought: “What if all my wishes come true today? I wish that table at the corner to be free!”. And it was the only free table! I immediately sent a text message to a good friend who is facing a personal dilemma at the moment: “My intuition knows no limits today. Use me!” and she replied: “I shall obey you!” :))

I don’t know why I am always attracted to outsiders. Definition: an outsider is a person that divides from the herd and the herd hates him/her for that. Whenever I sense that someone is expelled by majority I instinctively offer my support. I’ve always claimed to be missing the “mother instinct” but it looks like my urge to take care of and help to those in need proves me wrong.

No payback

She asked me why I was so cold to her (“ignore” is the correct word) and I told her the truth; she cried; I forgave her. I always do. She will never be my best friend again but I’ll be there for her whenever she needs me to be.

Me and my good heart :(

Betrayal

I will remember the date November 27^th-the day I finally gave up on someone that I used to think about as of a friend. She’s dead for me now with no chance for an appeal. End.

Betrayal...it’s as if your own dog bites your hand while you feed him-it is hard to tell apart surprise from pain. And it hurts, damn it hurts! It comes unexpected; it penetrates your soul and remains inside like a poisonous thorn. I’m trying to pull it out but it is stuck. It’s aimed to kill because it ruins your trust in people and without trust…

How could I be so wrong about that…serpent?! I deleted her from my icq contact list; I deleted her phone number. I can take devious behavior from outsiders; but when it comes from people that I have invited to share my mind it is nothing but a betrayal and I can not forgive that; just forget.

When she had problems with her numerous boyfriends, when she was lonely, when her father was driving her insane with his affairs who was she whining to? Me. Stupid cow (her; not me); does she really think she can fool me?!

The good thing is that (if I have to look for a positive side in that situation and I really have to for my own sake) I’m not drowned in self-pity. I feel nothing but anger that I’m going to swallow and a desire for a payback that I won’t let fade away. Justice must be served and it shall be. I can wait. Does that make me a bad person? No; it means that enough is enough.

Indeed acceptance is the way to deal with such crises caused by the imperfection of the involved human factor. Once there is no room for doubt the truth, no matter how hideous, becomes a closed chapter; a past.

Current mood : Releived

Devious

I hate my colleagues. All but one, who’s really cool; the others are a pack of wolves (no offence; it’s nothing personal).

There.
Now I’ll stare at that sentence for awhile to see if I’ll feel better.

Blah!

I found it!

My careful research reached a dead-end with the bare fact that “De Profundis” has been published in Bulgarian only once-in 1984 as a part of “Oscar Wilde-selected works” in 3 volumes. Unfortunately that edition was nowhere to be found in regular book stores so I had to check antique book shops. Of course, as every rare object of desire it was considerably but luckily still very much reasonably expensive so I didn’t hesitated even for a final “Y/N” (it was “Y/Y” all the way) and now I have it at last!

I have recently read “De Profundis” in English…to a certain extent that is. Everyone who has passion for written words will agree that the beauty of a writing shines with its finest colors if read in the language it has been written in. But Oscar Wilde is neither a chick-lit nor a beauty magazine (not that I ever touch such). I needed it in Bulgarian to see what I have missed to comprehend from the original text.

Buying books yesterday was not on my “to do” list. I was out to look for winter shoes because I need them and I stick to the simple rule to buy something only if I need it; shopping therapy is something I have only heard about but have no experience with (curious that me and my dog have so much in common: we both miss some characteristics that our species are known to possess). Plenty of shoes in the stores and none that I’d put on my feet! That is such a disaster-the only boots I fancied turned out to be men’s and I already have two pairs that are 2 sizes bigger than my size-I’m not buying another one!

And those books…I guess they can be classified as a necessity.

Hey pig, piggy, pig, pig, pig… :)

A new cup is hardly worth blogging about but my first piggy cup definitely is :)

I don’t know why I am so obsessed with pigs but I just love them! And I’m pretty sure it has nothing to do with “March of the Pigs” :)))

Reminiscences

“Poor is the man whose pleasures depend on the permission of another”

But isn’t that a simple fact of life?! People can be divided in two categories: those who seek and those who offer. I am the seeking type. I seek people that offer their benevolence and good-will. I seek people who would do me the favor to accept that what I have to offer. Two types of people: giving and receiving. It is in my nature to give but I need a receiver. Probably because that is the only way I can feel appreciated…and needed; and because in its turn that is the only way for me to believe that there’s a purpose to my existence; that I matter. I need to believe that I am a part, no matter how insignificant, of a greater scheme and that everything I do is in a way, no matter how distant, of an importance to the final result.

I need to believe.
And I do believe.

Even if it was just to seek “The Fragile” lyrics on the net 7 years ago and that way to find Jonathan’s page and to start my correspondence with him in a moment when he was even in a deeper hole than I was at the time and to (as I think) drag him out in the sunlight (because in his last few letters he wasn’t even mentioning the word “suicide”, he was looking forward with joy for Christmas for the first time in years, he was starting a new job and he was just about to get married and ,yes, I do believe my letters to him had a lot to do with that reviving change) then my life hasn’t been for nothing.

Nine Inch Nails – connecting people :))

Matters of the heart

My dog is in love in one of the cats. Yes, the title is misleading; I’m not trying to invent the wheel. His feelings are pointed to the younger of the two cats-huh, some things never change, do they? He’s chasing her around the house following her like a school boy and when she decides to rest he sits half a meter away from her as if he’s her bodyguard. He doesn’t take his eyes off of her. Needless to say she looks back at him with contempt. Sad story.

Been there, done that

Some days are better than others but today was not one of them. Sometimes I wish I could rip my heart out, throw it on the ground and jump on it.

Bitchy (*)

I found my first journal in a drawer under a pile of nostalgic paper memories hidden like a dirty secret. And it precisely is that. I went through the pages for the first time in many years and I found out that I still recall by heart everything that’s written on them.

The level of self-hatred is enormous. I remember to have been conscious to the highest level of security possible never to let it be found by my mother. The entries cover a period of 5 years and they all can be sum up in a single word: degradation. Moving from the first to the last one the black goes blacker, the pain grows stronger and my will to live weaker. Back then that state of mind was at first confusing and very much shameful. Speaking with my parents about it was a “mission impossible” since it was them to trigger it in the first place (“Mum! Dad! I have a problem and it is that I hate you.”. No; not a chance.). I had no close friends (it was then that my family moved to Sofia; I was in a completely new environment surrounded by strangers.) Bitching in letters became my preferred method of mental survival.

No one but me has ever read those pages. I never found the strength to expose my weakness to another person no matter how close. So far I have told (more of "mentioned") that I had had suicidal thoughts (more of "wishes") to only 4 people (**). It is one thing to think sometimes: I wish I was dead! It’s completely different to have had that sign carved in your mind for years.

It’s not that I’m crazy about life at the present but at least I wake up every morning impatient to find out what it will bring. And some days make it up for all those lonely years of pain. Some days are worth staying alive.

There’s always tomorrow…(***)

(*) Since I have become a dog person the word “bitch” has obtained a new and completely offence-free meaning. RUFFF !

(**) There are 4 people in my life that I feel close enough to have told them that?! But that is wonderful! Some people don’t have even one.

(***) But now that I’ve proclaimed negativism to be a vice that I can’t afford to enjoy in public I find myself locked in my head again; only this time I take advantage of the new technologies and blog about it.

Read the fuckin' signs!

That guy keeps making passes at me! He calls my name, I turn around and he blows me a kiss. WTF?!? I’m certainly not the babe-type; on top of it I’m older than him. I know that I don’t look my age but, hey, 34 is 34 and age comes not only with wrinkles but with an attitude and self-consciousness as well. I don’t say it is necessary for someone to be a superhuman to impress me but it would help :))))))); high school was a loooong time ago and I’m reluctant to be reminded of it. But the more I push him away the more persistent he is. C’mon! Maybe if I try to be nice that will make him give up of that annoying childish game and find himself a new amusement. Or maybe I should bring my handcuffs from home and hang them on my memo board… :)

Moron!

Enter, Sandman

Today I had the best intentions to share my good mood with everyone around me and I did…too well that is. I should’ve left some for me instead of giving it away entirely.

Good night.

Silly me, I almost forgot! Almost :)

It completely slipped my mind what an important day today is for I have not one but two reasons to celebrate! My very good friend Dee Dee has a birthday! And if I haven’t told her how grateful I am for meeting her and being her friend I should! Have fun, darling! As a bonus November the 20^th is the official release date of Y34RZ3R0R3MIX3D-the Year Zero remix album which has been already kindly shipped by Amazon and should be in my eager hands somewhere around Christmas! Hooray!

"THE INEVITABLE RISE AND LIBERATION OF NIGGY TARDUST" feat. Saul Williams

Is this my blog?
Yes, it is which means I can brag about whatever I want and as much as I want to.

So, about that album in question…

I love it!
I love it!
I love it!
I love it!
I love it!
I love it!
I love it!
I love it!
I love it!
I love it!

To my surprise and undoubted joy the final result exceeded all my expectations. But it is crystal clear to me it is not a spoon for an average mouth. I’m glad it perfectly fits mine :)

Fears

As an average citizen of an average gig city I go to one place to another like most people do-by public transport. Lately it is giving me a frustration caused by a most peculiar reason. I go to and come back from work in rush hours so it is absolutely normal that I share space with lots of people; that is how it is supposed to be. But then someone standing right next to me reaches for his jacket’ inside pocket… and I think: OMG, he’s going to pull out a knife and butcher me! OR I see a policeman on the bus with a gun on his belt… and: what if he goes off the rails right now and kills us all? What is someone from the passengers grabs that gun and starts shooting? Or when I’m walking on the side walk: What if the driver on that car I hear coming from behind is a mad man and he runs me over?

About a few months ago I had to go to my parents. The most convenient way is by a mini-van. At one of the first stops an young man in his 30s got on the van carrying lots of plastic bags that he placed on the outside seat and sat himself on the inside seat. He was almost next to me-I could touch him by only lifting my arm up. And then I realized he was homeless-he brought inside the van a terrible smell, it was impossible to breathe. I also noticed that he had some mental issues-the look in his eyes was insane. An old man sitting right in front of him started to complain about the smell. Without saying a word the young man pulled out of one of his numerous bags a deodorant and sprayed some heavy sweet aroma witch made the breathing conditions even worse but the absurdity of the situation made me laugh. But he kept on searching for something else in that bag and pulled out a big primitive hand-made knife and started to clean the blade with a rug. I’ve never been so scared in my life. I thought I’ll pass out. I’m sure I’ve gotten completely pale. I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. I had a vision how he cuts the old man’s throat. Finally he put the knife inside the bag. No one else on the van noticed it-I was the only one to see what has happened. I reached my destination a half an hour later-the longest half an hour ever. I swear, I wanted to kiss the ground after I got off.

I just don’t want to die by the power of an unfortunate coincidence.

Sometimes happiness is one click away :)

%*@ !!! *++}##*_ !:”$&& chosen &*#@))&//-)@*&*%(#16 !!!!!!!!

I realize it is unreasonable to get excited over something like that but since when happiness has to do with reason? :))))))))))

Waiting for the storm

I have a HUGE problem. A very good friend of mine needs help and right now I’m the only person who can ease her heavy heart. She has lost her best friend. No, it’s not that; her best friend is alive and kicking but she’s not her best friend no more. And my friend is absolutely clueless about the reasons why her best friend has withdrawn from a 10 years lasting friendship. As far as I know I’m the only one she talks to about it. she feels hurt, betrayed and she’s desperately seeking a logical explanation. Why do people change their hearts? Friends are precious to me; without them I’d be lost. I live for them and because of them. Nothing gives me greater pleasure than to help a friend and nothing worries me more than when a friend of mine is in trouble. The fatal mistake in such cases is silence. It brings tension between people; that awful silence that turns pain into anger. As if words are bullets. Yes, they can be, but it is better to be killed at once and be reborn than to slowly wither waiting. Why are people so afraid of the truth? I lie sometimes but I do it only to protect; never to cause pain. But even lies are better than silence. Silence is the worst treatment one can give to another.

I have a feeling as if I’ve been asleep for a long time and I’m just about to wake up. As if a storm is gathering beneath the surface of my mind and it’s just about to unleash its power whipping out everything that’s dirty. It’s my time for a rebirth.

This Sunday, despite the heavy rainy sky, feels surreal and magical. And the love theme pops out of everywhere. I unrolled the fortune slip that came along with my cappuccino and what did I find? I piece from a love poem :)

Love beyond explanations
In every bright spring
In every severe winter
There should be such love
Love beyond explanations.

That what causes problems between people is suspicion and lack of trust. Then one unintentionally puts word in people’s mouths and thoughts on their minds when those words and thoughts are not there in the first place. It’s because one tries to protect oneself from what might happen instead of enjoying what happens at the present moment.

LOVEly memories

I’ve been postponing telling that story for two months now-my memory is emotional and emotions do not speak the language of words; and every time I’d try to make them visible they’d disperse as artifacts that turn into dust once touched after centuries of peace. Emotions are fragile and sacred; they should be treated gently and with great caution; it is so sad to let a good feeling go desecrated.

I was on a bus; there weren’t many people on it. The quiet was broken by a female voice. I did not have to look at her-it was clear it was a person of little intellect. At a point, however, I got very curious and turned my head to see the source of my irritation. Although there were free seats she was sitting in her boyfriend’s lap and, OMG, she was horrifying to look at! They started to prepare to get off the bus. They stood up and headed to the nearest door that was right next to me. For a couple of minutes both of them were entirely in my view and I had no chance but to look at them. If I am to wait on an empty bus stop with those two I’d go as far away from them as possible-that’s the kind of people they looked like. The boy was obviously a junkie-he was speaking in a very slow manner apparently making great efforts to find the right words; his hands were shaking; he barely could keep his eyes open; he had difficulties keeping his balance; he searched for something in his wallet and a piece of paper fell on the floor-the girl picked it up and handed it to him without a word; it was nothing new to her. And then she leaned on his shoulder with her arms around his left arm. She didn’t notice I was looking at them and neither did he. They didn’t care about anything and anyone around. They had eyes only for one another. He was so gentle to her and she was looking at him with so much love. I was really touched by that scene. As wretched as they were at that very moment they had much more than me. Abandoned by the society, despised by people but they had each other.

I read once that love is like wild flowers: it can be found in most unexpected places. I’d like to believe it is so. To me love is like a flood-it hits suddenly drowning me within a matter of seconds.

I was still shaken by those two people when a half an hour later it happened again. I was walking down a street behind a couple-a girl and a boy. I call them a couple because they looked like one-young people walking side by side holding hands. But there was something not that common about that particular couple-the girl was short, I mean, really short. She turned her head left to look at him and I realized she was a midget-there is something different about their faces and body structure. As I was passing them I couldn’t help to throw a glimpse at the boy-he was very good looking. I don’t say I can read people’s minds (I wish I could; I’d be of much more use and help to people) but the impression he left me with was of a kind considerate person; and in love with her. Once again I was touched. It was a proof that it was possible to love the soul of a person, to see the beauty hidden by the flesh.

truth or dare

My need for love is so great that it sickens me as if I have a food poisoning; my mind is dizzy and I don’t think straight and I dream all the time and I sleep with my eyes open because I don’t want to face the truth that I don’t have anyone to love and I don’t because I can’t fall in love. I think I’m incapable of loving. How do you warm a cold heart?

I guess I've chosen the truth.

Defensive/offensive

The only thing that gets me through each day to the next, the only reason to get up each morning and stops me each evening from cutting my wrists open (figuratively speaking; my “dream” suicide is much less colorful and absolutely painless by default; one suffers enough while living to end one’s life in pain) is the blind faith that something wonderful/beautiful/magical will happen. Of course, faith is blind; the absence of logic and evidences is what defines it. The day ends serving the same old dish and I eat it. Oh, well, maybe tomorrow…

The wonderful KOOP

Last night KOOP were even more adorable than I had expected them to be. I wish I wasn’t feeling like shit throughout the whole day yesterday so that I could taste completely every aspect of their performance. I should’ve taken that day off. Oh, well, regrets are always useless; “I should have but didn’t”-why mention it at all?! The bottom line is that KOOP were fantastic and I’m really glad I went to see them :)

What an awful day!

Please, please, let there be magic at the end of it!

Obscured by clouds

I have no clear memory of the past couple of weeks. I have to look at the calendar hanging on the wall to notice that days change. Must be the music-I’m almost constantly wearing headphones. Music in my head makes me feel safe; as if I am untouchable and invulnerable. Since our IT has prohibited us to download music (when I enter a site containing mp3 or torrents a sign appears uncompromising as a slap: URL has been blocked!) I download music at home, burn it on a CD and bring it the next morning to copy it on my office PC because I don’t have time to listen to it at home. I listen to so many different sounds lately. Music consumes me completely and makes me clueless about the outside world. No wonder I don’t notice how time passes.

One of the most played albums since November 1^st is (of course) Saul Williams-Niggy Tardust. My first reaction was anything but positive. I downloaded it that day late in the evening and tried to listen to it and… “WTF is that?! It sounds so odd! OMG, I don’t like it!”. But the next day I was singing a completely different song. I loved it. I played it again and loved it even more; and more; and more. It’s brilliant. A week later I found out why:

No comment is needed. OK, maybe just one: TR is a genius. Over.

The Halloween post

...is going to be poor in words and rich in pictures (because it’s easier that way, right? Wrong! Because “an image speaks better than a thousand words.”). The music was shit; all the songs were teenagers i.e. there wasn’t a single song from the past 10 years (“Pump up the jam”, damn it! I couldn’t believe my ears! ). That could be one of the reasons why I was more of a spectator at that party than a participant; it’s either that or the fact that I had just one cappuccino for the whole night and when you’re sober and everybody else is not…Anyway, it was fun, it was wild and we should do it more often :)

That scull shirt was a Birthday gift from me to that guy :))

Couples...





















...more couples... (that's my boss on the right; the man in red is in charge of our company's cars)


















To those about to rock we salute you :)))












Are you talking to me ?!











Happy :)

Koop! Koop! Koop!

Ah, finally a music event in Sofia that I really want to go to! Koop are coming for not one but two shows and I intend to see them both nights! Keep fingers crossed to find some tickets left-I can’t miss it for the world!

I got my propaganda, I got revisionism

I’m a little behind with spreading the word about it but the time has come to acknowledge the very interesting and very well written personal opinion of Rob Sheridan (until recently know to me only as “that NIИ photographer that takes amazing shots!”; well, he turned out to be also a very talented artist and a really funny guy!) on the past, the present and the possible future of major record labels.

Quote: “The best music was always made by people who weren't in it for the money, anyway. Maybe smart, talented musicians will find ways to make a good living with or without CD sales. Maybe the record industry execs who made their fortunes off of unfair contracts and distribution monopolies should just walk away, confident that they milked a limited opportunity for all it was worth, and that it's time to find fortune somewhere else. Maybe in the hands of consumers, the music marketplace will expand in new and lucrative ways no one can even dream of yet. We won't know until music is free, and eventually it's going to be. Technological innovation destroys old industries, but it creates new ones. You can't fight it forever.”

Yes, it sounds idealistic; of course some people will say it is one-sided-so be it! It happens so that I am on the same side. And indeed it’s not because I don’t want to pay; I just don’t want to pay to the wrong people.

Quote: “The determination of fans to share music is much, much stronger than the determination of corporations to stop it.”

From last night's Halloween party :)))

Maaaan, I need to sleep !!! But it was so much fun :)