Friday, October 31, 2008

I can't think of a title

Two months ago the traditional Saturday late-morning meet-up was moved from Bytheway to Costa (much to my pleasure-bigger and better cappuccino). And every Saturday I see that man-apparently a foreigner, in his 50s, sometimes by himself, more often accompanied by a young girl. Afterwards my friends hit the shops and since there are not many activities that I find more boring that hopping from shop to shop I go to Coffee House for a couple of intellectually engaged hours-mostly reading, much less writing lately, where I see the same man again. The Saturday before last he surprised me by smiling at me, remarking “We seem to go to same places” (aha! an American) to which I replied “That only means there are too few good places in Sofia”. Probably I should’ve told him that seeing him makes me feel good because he’s an already familiar face in the line of all the strangers. But I didn’t. Well, next time. But last Saturday I saw him neither at Costa nor Coffee House. Hmm. The following day I was sitting at Tea-my most favorite of all cafés, waiting for a friend and, surprise, surprise, there he was again. Sofia is indeed a very small town. It also felt good to know I wasn’t the only one paying attention.

Thursday, October 23, 2008


My Lavazza fortune cookie on Sunday stated: a new friend. I didn’t meet anyone new but the fortune proved correct. In the early afternoon I spent a couple of hours with a friend who I thought was growing distant from me but the straightforward conversation with her clearly showed me that I’ve been wrong all along. I was shocked to hear her saying that through the years of our friendship she had learned a lot from me about how to be tolerant and how to appreciate people. She said I’ve changed her in a good way as a person. I thought my heart was dead but her words moved me.

So my heart isn’t completely dead…yet. What does that mean and where does that leave me at? Nowhere pleasant actually and it means that pretty soon I’ll end up at Depressionville again.

What really happened was that I lost my faith in goodness. Throughout my whole conscious life I believed people to be generally good in nature and that there was something good in every person. Sometimes that good would be hidden under layers of years-developed self-protection disguised sometimes as anti-social behavior but if you dig persistently you would peel off those layers one by one and reach that human core around which everyone’s public appearance is built. I believed that finding that human core was the most precious and unique gift one could hope to get. I don’t believe in that anymore. The essence of faith is to believe that something’s right but you can not supply evidences for it. That is why I don’t believe that people in general are nothing but miserable pieces of shit; I know it is so. People are disappointments waiting to occur. I am no different. I’m sure I’m a disappointment to many (I am one to myself to begin with) and that there are people who think I’ve betrayed them.

There are exceptions of course but they are too few and some of them (to make things worse) are too far away.

Where do I go from here? I’m at the lowest point I’ve ever been so far. Could I fall even deeper? By all means but it wouldn’t feel different. Who cares anyway? I don’t and I don’t see why anyone else should. That is precisely why I don’t talk about it-because I have no faith and hope left and talking is about hope. This place I’m at is abandoned and completely hope-less.

Do I know too little or do I know too much? I’m just one of the nearly 7 billion shitbags contaminating this planet and what I know, think or feel means nothing and changes nothing.

Someone else would call such a change “a catharsis”. But that is just a word designed to make the world more organized the same way people label spice cans in their kitchens. But even if the labels on the cans are the same it doesn’t mean that what’s inside tastes the same to everyone.

The magical feeling that everything happens for a reason is gone. The illusion was what was keeping the pieces together. Without it the picture falls apart into useless bits. How do you survive the collapse of faith? How do you bring it back and is it possible at all? And I need it back because without it I see the world as it is and not as it could/should be. And it is ugly and empty and lacking any joy at all. Emotionally I am no different than a corpse.

"Nothing can stop me now 'cause I just don't..."

I'm sorry, Kris, I can't help it.