Hmm...

That mp3 player I thought I didn’t want? Now I don’t leave home without it; and I hate it when I have to switch it off. And I noticed an intriguing side effect-people stare at me while I play it. I don’t mean the common scanning-the eyes lay upon my face and actually stop for a rest with a touch of curiosity; as if trying to read my mind.  Apparently my facial expression changes when I listen to the music I love but how?!

There’s always tomorrow

What is life about? So far I can only say what it isn’t about-it is not a 8 to 5 prison, silly little idle time-consuming and nerve-wasting ego measurements, nor it is about 24/t vanity fair and 15 seconds of fame. OK, I know life is about all that but it shouldn’t be and between “is” and “should” there is a difference bigger than anything that’s big in this world…or any other. Life should be about (my favorite word) magic; it should be about making your soul play tunes you never were aware it knew. And you’ll never grow tired of listening to it. Magic is there somewhere-you only have to find the right button and push it; and deafen everything that scares away the magic.

Funny thing words are-they can not express what’s most important and precious.

I feel out of place-not again but as usual and though this time I happened to put my finger on the problem that is not of much help (if any) because I have to confront and simply reconcile with a fact and facts can not be argued let alone modified. I don’t feel and think correspondingly to my age. There. People my age are supposed to be settled down, with families of their own, with minds focused on their careers, their children’s education, picnics on the weekends etc real life’s must-dos. And I…keep away from all that fuss as if it is a contagious and lethal decease. Sometimes I am a fool in my own eyes with that teenage-like escapistic mindset of mine that I wouldn’t let go even though it backfires at me stronger and stronger with each new eye wrinkle. There’s no fun in being mature-it’s like a final verdict with no appeal, it’s like a permanent label on the forehead stating “Game over”. I can not comply with that. I need to believe the best in life is yet to come because that adds enchantment to each new morning and keeps my senses alive. I don’t want to give up the excitement of the unexpected.

On Monday evening, September 13^th (yes, the Placebo gig again), when I entered the venue and chose my spot I was 7^th row. With a bit of vigilance and persistence (without being pushy or rude of course) I managed to move a couple of rows closer to the stage. It was a nice spot. But! I took a look around and felt like an ugly duckling crashing a party-I was twice the age of all the kids surrounding me. To say I felt awkwardly doesn’t even come close. What was I doing there? What the hell was I thinking?! But then “Nancy Boy” started and blew away all those nasty doubts and real life and its limitations evaporated. I had wished for magic that night and it was pure magic that I got; my soul opened to collect all the joy it had been missing-just like a dry land welcomes a long awaited rain. I felt young, I felt alive. And, God, it felt good!

And now, just as I do every day, I ask myself: what do I want out of life? ‘cause it feels as if I’m just filling in for someone who’s away. I want…

I want my heart singing with rapture; I want to greet each new day with a smile; I want to walk on the bright side of life and be through with hiding behind shades and black clothes; I want to trust people more and stick around long enough to allow them to surprise me in a good way instead of running instinctively away; I want to allow myself to be happy with no questions asked and no ifs and buts; I want to be content with who I am, where I am and with what I have instead of wishing I was somewhere else doing something else; I want my eyes to widen with delight; I want the breath of life to smell of lilac and caramel candy.

Not the modest wish list…nor the easiest. But that’s the charm of dreams-even the wildest ones are guilt-free.

It was a good day

This afternoon I had a lovely couple of hours at my favorite café over a cappuccino and a chat with a friend. There was a very old man sitting alone somewhere behind me. At some point he got up to leave and on his way to the door he passed by our table and gave me a fortune cookie with the words “See what future holds for you”, then smiled and left. The fortune cookie said “love”. That was sweet. For some reason people are nicer to me today; more than usual that is. And that’s sweet too.

A new toy

Last Christmas a good friend of mine presented me with a MP3 player. At first I was taken aback in a way-I never had one because I never wanted to, I thought she knew that! and wrongly chosen presents sometimes feel like an offence. But then again she might not have been aware of the reason why I didn’t have a MP3 player-she only knew I was addicted to music.

So for almost a year the gadget rested forgotten in my drawer until yesterday when it dawned on me it was in my possession, packed it with all my NIN and Placebo files and, OMG, it’s a whole new world! It’s the first time I take my favorite music outside and so far it feels very exciting because even the most trivial things seem new when there is a score to them. As if I’m a part of a music video :)

Sun,

You and I-we’re like machine parts put in a wrong place. The machine rolls but it just doesn’t feel right for us because that is not where we belong.

I wish I could guarantee we’ll eventually fit in this world but I can’t. It seems as if you look up to me for an advice but I’m swimming in the same boat as you. There is however something I can recommend and it is something you already know from experience. Whenever you feel like slipping into the black hole of melancholy gather with people that love you. It’s not a permanent solution but it will work for awhile-just enough to walk away from that hole. And the next time you hear the dark side calling you seek again the company of people that will cheer you up. It would be like jumping from one rock to another while crossing a swamp-seek the safe places to avoid sinking. I love solitude but it is dangerous and tricky.

And another thing-you’re not alone! Here I am just like you and I’m sure there are others too. Maybe we’ll find them, maybe we won’t but the only way for us to find that out is to keep trying, right?

Hey, you got me. It may not be much but that’s all I can offer. 

And…from time to time, maybe not as often as we wish, life does feel great and makes it up for all the sadness :)

PLACEBOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

I’m all in sweat, my back hurts like hell, I left my voice at the venue and I’m dead tired…

BUT I’M HAPPYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don’t have words to say how fantastic Placebo were-the best, the best ever! God, I need some more; and more; and then even some more.

Good night!

Tonight, tonight!

I’m taking a crash course in the “Battle for the sun” album’s lyrics or at least in the six songs from it that are on the setlist for the tonight’s concert. It is so much more fun when you can sing along with the band :)

I hope it all goes well tonight. No, I hope it goes great-my set of heartwarming memories needs refreshing.

"'cause a heart that hurts
is a heart that works" 


And no post-gig depressions this time, OK?

...

Oh, great. My first nervous breakdown in a public place. I had a few on Tuesday but I was work and the bathroom was at my disposal to hide (not that anyone paid attention to my red puffy eyes; not that I expected anyone to notice) but today I was in my favorite café chatting with a friend and she said that I have to accept the fact that there will come a day when Vincent will…that he will not always be with me and I just couldn’t stop the tears. Some days are better than others but today isn’t one of them. I can’t stop time from running. I feel helpless, I am helpless. And that drives me insane. Tears don’t help at all but crying is better than screaming.

“A friend in need’s a friend indeed…”

Absolutely! I am in need and in just a week I’ll get my medicine-Placebo! In Sofia on Sep 13^th! For the third time! HOORAY! Let’s say I’m excited :))))) Hmm, so many years since I first became a fan and I still love them to bits. I missed them the second time they played in Bulgaria but I had no other choice back then in the summer of 2007-although I was physically present in Sofia my mind was scattered all over Europe-that was only two months after my first 6 NIN concerts and it was really unfortunate for me that Placebo’s second coming to my country had to coincide with my worst ever post-gig depression-I was in the process of recovering but still in ruins. Of course I regret for not going but that is now and luckily I’m given another chance to experience the magic they do on stage.

Pity they don’t play this one live but nevertheless magical it will be.

...

I and Vincent made it safe through another day. Considering the alternative I take that as a success and ask for nothing more. Not losing what/who I care about is just enough for me.