"Home"

Yesterday ended without my cable TV being restored and, because today is Sunday, there was still no signal in the morning. So I had to choose another DVD to entertain myself. Today it was the other Nine Inch Nails live DVD - "And all that could have been" from the Fragile tour.

In two consecutive days I saw the miserable Trent and the resurrected Trent. About the latter I am happy beyond any doubt. But my heart goes with the former. It is hard to associated with successful people (and by "success" I don't mean money or awards or fame). Trent Reznor back then was a fallen angel, a martyr, a wretched hero from a twisted fairytale. He was one of us - the voiceless ones, the forgotten ones, the ones who didn't fit in, the ones who desperately wanted to belong. Yes, being a NIN fan back then was pretty close to religion.

I just listened to the entire "The Fragile" album. It felt like a revelation. But I'm glad these days are long gone. Let's say it wasn't a happy time.

Trent, I wish I could pay you back for everything you've done for me without even knowing about it. Unfortunately all I can do is to offer my anonymous gratitude and loyalty.

I chose that blog title for a good reason, you know. It turned out the reason was still valid.

Nine Inch Nails: The Frail / The Wretched live (2002) from Nine Inch Nails on Vimeo.

Celebrate the unexpected

This morning I woke up really early and, although I tried really hard, I failed to fall back to sleep-it was raining and the tap-tap of raindrops on my window was as irritating as listening to someone's popcorn chewing next to me in the movie theater.

So I got up. I cherish the tranquility of early hours. There's something almost magical about being the only one awake-maybe because I am the first one to taste and enjoy the promise of the new day.

But-oops! There was no cable TV due to some major trouble that, as I found out later on, has affected the whole neighborhood. Damn! I'm awake, with a coffee mug in my hands and there's nothing to watch. Damn! 

And I played a DVD-Nine Inch Nails, the concert "With Teeth" DVD. And it was absolutely fantastic! The best morning I've had in years :) God, how much I love this band. 25 years and that music still excites me. This is a good thing. It means I am not dead inside. Not yet.

Joker

This morning, before going to the office to feed the dogs, I had to stop by the supermarket for dog food. The cashier - a good looking young man, marked my groceries and, as I added "And a pack of cigarettes, please", looked at me and asked " You're over 18, hmm?"

I laughed all the way to the office. Dude, I'm happy when people think I'm 35. But thanks, it was an innocent flirt and it felt good.

Poland show postponed

My show, that is. Some hours ago it was moved from April 8th to May 4th "due to unforeseen scheduling conflicts". 

There are no words to tell how I feel. 

Correction: I have a lot of words on my mind but none of them is suitable for a lady. For starters I really want to know what the unforeseen circumstances are. I need, no, I demand to know what was so important to make the reschedule inevitable. It is impossible to reschedule flights and hotel. And there's a month's hard work going down the drain. You bet I'm angry.

Eavesdropping

A first date is like crossing a minefield - each step could be fatal and in the end you're happy to have gotten out of it alive.

Summary

Not giving a shit is bliss.

Shut up and swallow

So you're up to your neck in work and you don't have even a single minute to spare on Facebook. Finally the weekend comes, you log in...surprise, surprise! Life goes on perfectly undisturbed without you.

Sounds silly? Not so much from a personal perspective. Somehow I expected to be missed, at least a bit, at least by someone. It would've given some sense to the hard work over the week. I feel like an idiot. I am an idiot to expect appreciation. My company's management doesn't need loyal employees -it needs replaceable moulds. I don't fit in as they push me into the mould -hence the pain. Eventually I will have to come around and swallow it. I need the damn paycheck. 

It's just that it is hard to be machine-like from 8 to 5. It makes me question living. For fuck's sake, I went to the dentist this week and found it an exciting diversion. How sick is that!?

"Without love, without anger, without sorrow, breath is just a clock... ticking."

Moscow show postponed :(

This is truly devastating. It's a fan's worst nightmare-not to mention all the range of supporting troubles when you've traveled a long way to another country:

Stubborn

You can’t make people see what they don’t want to see. Fight might be futile but I'll be damned if I join them instead.

Psychic-ish

From Twitter:
"If anything is used to its full potential, it will break."

And I was like "Hey, is he talking about my job?"

Illusion-free

Everyone wants a cleaner planet and healthier environment but no one is willing to give up even an inch of his comfort zone. The greater good is supported only and only if it isn't at the expense of one's private good. 
And that is the truth about people. 

Bloody work

It's a miracle I didn't kill anyone yesterday -but it was tempting, so tempting to let everyone have it. At the end of the working week my supplies of understanding, tolerance and patience are totally finished and all I am left is good manners which, as practice shows, doesn't carry me long. I'm sure that even superhumans have their limits and I am just a human, I can ignore idiots to a certain level...and then I can't. The worst of all is that I don't feel free to discuss with my coworkers how I feel because right now I trust no one. No wonder I accumulated so much anger.

I'll be fine, eventually. If I don't lose my mind before that.

This week I got so sick with my job that if I was 15 years younger I would've considered marrying for money.  So it is good that I am not. Younger I mean. I'm kidding of course. I could never do such a thing. But I'm so close to the edge that I can't help wondering: can I get any more desperate than this? and what will I do when that happens?

See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil

One of the worst weeks I’ve ever had is finally about to end. About to but not as yet. There's enough time for shit to happen and mess everything. Friday 13^th, make me proud and don’t let my temper speak at will. Quite a challenge because my mind craves for retribution. I don’t care about burning bridges down but I don't see why I should go down with them.

14

A little over two weeks left-and then waiting will be over and I'll live the dream of my life. Again :)

Shut (up)

Just the noise I need to muffle my inner voices:

Transformer

Where is Jared as we knew him? Who is that man? And I don't mean the short platinum blonde hair and the ridiculous outfits. Apparently there's a significant change in attitude as well. He doesn't smile. The lightheartedness he used to ooze is gone - as if he cut it off along with the hair and the beard. And it gets weirder and weirder.

And because he is one very smart guy and he doesn't do anything without thinking it over first I am curious - what is he up to now?

Redefining "real"

That awkward moment when you realize that you feel your fav-band-related “friends” closer, much closer than your actual supposed-to-be-real friends.

Did I say awkward? It is in fact sad; a bit. Sad or awkward - it is as it is.  

Oh unhappy day

Or as I saw it somewhere "a day of mourning". And here's why:

http://hollywoodlife.com/2015/03/02/jared-leto-haircut-suicide-squad-hair-cut-short/

Yeap. It's all gone: the hair, the beard. Thumbs up about the beard but the hair had to go too? Man, I loved that hair, it was like a friend to me...ah, it will grow back again. At least he didn't do it live in a TV show. "Suicide Squad" better be worth the sacrifice :)

Yes, I know, I am a lucky girl - to play a drama queen over something as silly as this :) 

You know what I would absolutely love? Trent Reznor to pick the songs for the soundtrack as he did for " Lost Highway " and "Natural Born Killers". Well, a girl can dream...

Hell of a coincidence, is it not?

During Meet and Greet with 30 Seconds to Mars there's a QandA part where fans can ask questions and the band answers them. The drill is simple: you raise your hand and if they pick you, you say the question out loud so everyone can hear you. And if you're picked you better have a question more interesting than, let's say, "what are your next artistic plans?" So in my phone I have a file where I write all the questions I have thought of that seem suitable. So far there are 5 questions in that file but my most favorite is "The best advice you've ever received".

So last Sunday night I was watching the Oscars and at around 4 something AM someone came on stage and said something like "It is now time to acknowledge the efforts of Team Oscar who, this year, had the assignment to do a short video on...the best piece of advice they'd ever received."

COME AGAIN?!

One second I was half asleep and the next second I was wide awake, furious and shouting at the TV " Hey, you stole my question!"

I mean, I thought of that question half a year ago for f***** sake! Duh!