OK, let's be done with it

2015 was fairly kind to me. I experienced every emotion there is - from deep despair and numbing sorrow to breathtaking joy and unconditional happiness, from heartbreaking disappointment to heartwarming surprise. This year I received more love and affection from total strangers than from the people I took for friends. Illusions were shattered, masks went down, priorities were rearranged. Not all my wishes were granted but I got more than I have hoped for. In a nutshell - I survived so it was alright but I don't see what else it has to offer. Farewell and thank you for the ride.
Next please! And make it a good one :)

I want to be a cat

Seriously, look at her! She doesn't have a care in the world... as long as food keeps on coming :)

Storm within

What the hell or heaven or any other imaginary realm of desire or nightmare happened today? I was swept away by the emotional equivalent of three full moons at once. My subconscious is trying to tell me something but it speaks in tongues.  

Pro's and con's of being by myself

OK, the mere fact I am going through the trouble of listing them down clearly indicates that I am not entirely content with my situation. But as a single person I have all the spare time there is at my disposal to waste it as it pleases me meaning I will make this my first entry.

Pro's:

1/ unlimited spare time - that would otherwise be engaged in inevitable activities of numbingly domestic nature. I have spent enough time around my parents to desperately try to avoid such bourgeoisie travesty that passes for domestic bliss. Thanks but no. NO.

2/ no one to count my cigarettes - I'm not sure why I smoke. I enjoy it, I guess. Sometimes it works as a shield against the idiocy of the surrounding world; sometimes it's a meditative tool in processing new information. Whatever the case is I would be furious if someone frowns every time I light a cigarette. Smoking is my vice of choice and I prefer to exercise it undisturbed.

3/ I can go to pee as often as I want without trying to be silent - bathroom noises, you know…hmm, not sexy...for most people that is, with I being one of them. And if you’re on of the few rest just keep as far away from me as possible, you freak.

4/ I can choose my own schedule - watch NCIS, read books, clean the bathroom (surprisingly, I occasionally get in the mood even for that), shaping my eyebrows - it's my choice entirely and it doesn't have to match anyone else's.

5/ I can watch “Twilight” (again) and shed a few tears without getting funny looks and feeling guilty.

6/ I am free to choose comfort over image and hang around the house in my most worn out sweatsuit. Sure, I scare myself a little every time I accidentally catch my reflection in the mirror but I take it as an exercise for tempering my character.

7/ I am free to express my feelings instead of censoring them for the sake of someone else's serenity. When I feel bad hardly any bystander can tell but the second I lock the door of my apartment behind me the facade goes off and that's a most liberating experience. To me privacy is one of the most important human rights. Don't mess with it.

8/ the money issue - every hard earned penny is to be spent or saved entirely on my own consideration. And if/when I decide to squander half my salary on a single concert ticket there's no one to nag how stupid I am.

OK, now let's try some con's:

…

I'm sure I can think of something to put here.

Jealous

How can I get my hands on one of these?

And what did you think I was talking about?

What was I supposed to do?

Today I finally watched STAR WARS Episode 7:The Force awakens. I loved it, really loved it. But this post isn't about that.

I left the movie theater feeling blessedly dizzy with euphoria. On the way to the metro station I passed by a bunch of people waiting at a bus stop. There was a German Shepherd that I assumed was waiting with them. In a matter of a few steps I found myself right next to the dog and, as I always do with dogs, I spoke to her. She immediately came close to me and I reached down to pet her. And then I noticed: plastic tag on left ear, right ear partly torn, no collar. It could mean just one thing: the German Shepherd was stray. She wasn't young but in good shape, well fed and clean. And homeless. After a minute of fondling I told her I had to go and I tried to do so but she followed me and as I reached down for some more fondling she simply lied on her back with four paws in the air which, in dog language, means "scratch my tummy". And I did - for as long as I could. And then I really had to be on my way.

There wasn't even a trace of the euphoria left. All I could think of was how much I wanted to take her home. But I couldn't - not with the two cats at home.

Damn. Damn, damn, damn. Not because my good mood was ruined (please, I am selfish but not that selfish) but because I couldn't do anything for her.

The ultimate wish

By far I find "May the Force be with you" to be the ultimate wish, suitable for every person, occasion and age.

A thought of no importance

It just dawned on me that it's not what you wish for that matters. It is much more important if what you wish for matches someone else's wish.

Post-Christmas

Impressive Facebook activity for the past 24 hours considering it was Christmas Eve. I guess many people chose to be online instead of reuniting with their loved ones the old fashioned way. Maybe people no longer remember how it's done.

As for me-thanks but no, thanks. I can not get in a festive mood when it's cold outside. If I am to ever enjoy Christmas you haveto move it in summer.

Vanity fair

A group of people just sat at the next table: an Italian guy and five Bulgarian girls fighting for his attention. It feels like being back in highschool. It's a part of my life I certainly DON'T miss.

There's so much noise in the world. Sometimes I wish everyone would just shut up. The more people talk, the more silent I am. Of course, being silent is not an useful choice. It's not that people ignore the quiet ones - they simply fail to notice them. It doesn't cease to amaze me how gullible on a primal level people are in their perceptions. But I don't blame them the same way I don't blame water for being water. 

5 years

R.I.P. , Vincent. I miss you, I will always miss you.

#AdventureVIP

The latest Adventures In Wonderland tweet featured the #AdventureVIP hashtag and I clicked on it. Ho-ho, some of the tweets that came out were mine :) It felt so good to see these pictures again. Forget that "money can't buy happiness" crap. Money has bought me memories that still keep me happy. There's just one thing I wish for 2016 - more trips, more concerts,more new friends, more happy memories.

"One day maybe we'll meet again." What a warning though on this freezing day :)

It's only work

It was hell of a week - with emphasis on "hell". Sometimes work gets the better of you and there's nothing you can do to help it - not more than you can stop an avalanche. Once it's on the move it will go all the way down. You can only clear the wreckage after it's done.

This time however a pat on the back is in order. I was no Miss Sunshine, of course, but at least I did nothing that could be used against me and that wasn't easy, trust me. Losing your temper provides instant relief but leaves bitter taste that lasts for longer than you would like. In the long run it's simply not worth it.

Come on, 2016, hurry up :)

After months of emotional drought finally some good news! Hooray :)

"I can change"

Concert videos always fascinate me. Even if the music is not my cup of tea I can recognize myself in the faces of the people in the crowd – shouting, jumping, sharing one pashion, living one dream.

And this song I love-love, love, love.

The secret to happiness

You want to know what it is? You just have to ignore everything that makes you unhappy.

Sunday, sweet Sunday

It's one of those days when the morning totally sucks but the day turns out sweet and lovely.

Moral: first impressions are for the lazy ones.

"Dawn of Justice"

The new trailer look absolutely fantastic. And Ben Affleck as Batman finally makes sense.

Opposites

A few months ago a new girl joined our work team. She is not my cup of tea in so many ways that it will be easier to list what I like about her rather than what I don't like. A whole lot easier because I can't think of anything that I like about her.

However, I have never made the way I feel about her show. I treat her the exactly same way I treat all my other colleagues - with consideration and understanding, with praise - when one is due, and patience - when it is apparent she still has a lot more to learn.

As plain as she appears to be, she must have somehow caught my silent disapproval because the general feeling I get from her is one of rejection.

Or so I thought. A few days ago I was shocked to realize that her attitude to me had nothing to do with dislike. Quite the opposite - it became clear to me that she holds me in respect so high that it actually borders fear. How did that happen?! True, unlike my other female coworkers I don't talk to her on topics other than work. (I'm sorry but I don't have even the slightest interest in your husband, your two kids, your cookery and gardening or any other aspect of your life; I don't see why I should and, more over, I don't see why I should pretend that I do. The other women at the office do it just as an excuse to talk back about their lives anyway.) True, considering that I am working for this company for ages it is only natural that by now I have become familiar with my work through and through and what she takes for excellence is simply mastered routine. And yet she is afraid of me. And when I open my mouth to say something outside work she listens so attentively as if she's witnessing a special event. Go figure.

I am fully aware that to bystanders I might appear distant and maybe even snobbish. But that has never been my intention, not a conscious one at least. Nor it is an act of self-preservation...not anymore. I think that I have trained myself not to rely on other people, not to wait on other people to do anything for me, not to put my hopes and expectations in others. Maybe I have reached a certain level of spiritual independence that is not exactly common and that, I guess, startles people.

So what do I put my hopes into? What do I rely on? That's easy: beauty, logic, talent, commonsense, everything that can make me feel good about being a human, everything that will make me want to be a better human, everything that will make me wait for tomorrow with a smile and wide open eyes.

Good track

Really good indeed. And the video is a perfect match: