Opposites

A few months ago a new girl joined our work team. She is not my cup of tea in so many ways that it will be easier to list what I like about her rather than what I don't like. A whole lot easier because I can't think of anything that I like about her.

However, I have never made the way I feel about her show. I treat her the exactly same way I treat all my other colleagues - with consideration and understanding, with praise - when one is due, and patience - when it is apparent she still has a lot more to learn.

As plain as she appears to be, she must have somehow caught my silent disapproval because the general feeling I get from her is one of rejection.

Or so I thought. A few days ago I was shocked to realize that her attitude to me had nothing to do with dislike. Quite the opposite - it became clear to me that she holds me in respect so high that it actually borders fear. How did that happen?! True, unlike my other female coworkers I don't talk to her on topics other than work. (I'm sorry but I don't have even the slightest interest in your husband, your two kids, your cookery and gardening or any other aspect of your life; I don't see why I should and, more over, I don't see why I should pretend that I do. The other women at the office do it just as an excuse to talk back about their lives anyway.) True, considering that I am working for this company for ages it is only natural that by now I have become familiar with my work through and through and what she takes for excellence is simply mastered routine. And yet she is afraid of me. And when I open my mouth to say something outside work she listens so attentively as if she's witnessing a special event. Go figure.

I am fully aware that to bystanders I might appear distant and maybe even snobbish. But that has never been my intention, not a conscious one at least. Nor it is an act of self-preservation...not anymore. I think that I have trained myself not to rely on other people, not to wait on other people to do anything for me, not to put my hopes and expectations in others. Maybe I have reached a certain level of spiritual independence that is not exactly common and that, I guess, startles people.

So what do I put my hopes into? What do I rely on? That's easy: beauty, logic, talent, commonsense, everything that can make me feel good about being a human, everything that will make me want to be a better human, everything that will make me wait for tomorrow with a smile and wide open eyes.