Sunday, November 29, 2015

Harsh

I can't forgive my parents that they became old. I don't mean aging, of course - aging is not a matter of choice, needless to say no one can stop it. But they act and think and talk like old people, which IS a matter of choice and I can't forgive them for making that choice. Not trying to avoid it is simply sloppy.

Is that what awaits me too? I don't think so - of course I don't, but I don't think so at the present moment and I bet my parents haven't expected that they would change that way either. That Voltaire quote is still fresh in my mind: “Doubt is an uncomfortable condition, but certainty is a ridiculous one.”

I couldn't agree more. However, there is one thing I am certain of: I don't want to get old.

I'm not thrilled about aging either.

7 Comments:

Blogger Жълт Зелен said...

Chances are they got old so you can be young. I know I am willing to do it for my daughter. Somehow it seems the right thing to do.

10:40 PM  
Blogger balance said...

I know you meant well but I still don’t see the logic in what you say. What I do see is that your daughter is a lucky little girl; and I hope that when she grows up she will still appreciate you as I’m sure she does now.

7:39 AM  
Blogger Жълт Зелен said...

I got old really fast after I became a father.

I miss going to clubs and partying hard, but I am dead tired because of all those sleepless nights. When I do go out I leave early and I don't drink - hangover is the last thing you need when you get up before sunrise to play with a little kid.

Me and my wife used to have friends coming over 3 out of 7 evenings. The other 4 we were out somewhere. Now we don't invite anybody because there is no point.

And I have become boring. Have you seen that new movie everybody is talking about? I haven't. This year I've seen 2 movies and that's not one of them. What music do you listen to lately? I've learned a whole lot of children's songs. What do you think about the refugees issue? I don't know, they haven't said anything about it on BabyTV. I can hardly say anything not related to my daughter.

I have lost connection with many of the people I used to hang out with. I just don't have the time for all of them. And like I said, I can't join them in the things we used to do together.

And I had to become more responsible, because it's not just my life any more, it's our life.

If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't be like that. I wouldn't be old.

12:20 AM  
Blogger balance said...

It might take me some time to find the right words. Right now…right now I wish I could give you a hug. I hope you don’t mind much me saying it.

12:03 PM  
Blogger balance said...

My first thought was “Oh my, what did I do? I spit it all out to get this burden off my back and it got on yours instead. I didn't mean to, I'm sorry.”

But now I'm thinking “Hey, he too spit it all out and now the balance is set right. The burden is back to me again.”

But it doesn't feel heavy anymore, it doesn't bother me anymore.

This is why we blog don't we? We transform our incoherent worries into neat sentences giving them thus shape and straight lines; and what we’ve taken for the Boogie man lurking in the dark all of a sudden reveals itself as just a trick of light.

You say you're boring? OK, how about this: I haven't been to the movies in over a couple of years; I don't go out much - because of work I simply can't afford to stay up until late; and the happiest time of each day is between 4.30 and 5.30 in the morning when I get up and spend an hour surfing TV channels drinking my first coffee for the day. I’ve never had many friends, and now there are even fewer of them left - I guess we grew apart, maybe we’ve never had much in common to begin with. Some of them I lost to parenthood, even my best friend. She became a mother this June and since then I saw her just once, for half an hour. It doesn't feel like much of a loss anymore - she seems to be interested solely in her child anyway. She changed, I changed - that's the way life goes. Nothing to be done about that.

You at least have a daughter. What is my excuse?

And here's the thing: I don't think my lifestyle needs to be excused; and neither does yours. Everything you mention is strictly external. You think you’ve changed but these are not changes - just adjustments that serve your decision to be a parent and your determination to be the best father for your child. Don't excuse yourself for that, OK? Rearranging your priorities don't change who you are a person so don't feel guilty for being who you need and have to be at this point of your life.

12:50 PM  
Blogger Жълт Зелен said...

Yes... I didn't mean to sound like I was making excuses. I guess I sound bitter when describing reality. I tend to do that. :)

And I definitely didn't mean to sound like I was blaming my daughter for anything. Like you said, it's just me, doing what I think is right.

It's just that... One day my daughter would probably say "I can't forgive my parents that they became old!"

And I wish there would be someone who'd tell her "Try harder. They deserve it."

10:47 PM  
Blogger balance said...

Point taken. It is fair to add that I am definitely not the best example for parent-offspring relationship. We’re an example of what NOT to do.

Given that you are not the you-will-do-as-I-say-because-I-say-so type I am sure that you and your daughter will do just fine :)

9:33 AM  

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