Thursday, May 30, 2013

Out of air

Life can be different. My life, that is. And "different" means "better". So why isn't it?

“Talking to myself all the way to the station
pictures in my head of the final destination…”

Feels like riding a train with no windows. I miss the view outside.
In such a moment hearing the right song can break me into million pieces. And it did.

People are more interested in indulging their egos than to find understanding-as if people no longer consider any other way of communication. That makes me feel lonely-a feeling I'm too familiar with to want to avoid at all cost. What's wrong with being nice to one another?

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Eyes on the light

 Today, today, today” is the perfect morning mantra. It means a new hope every day. 

Is it foolish? Plain stupid and naive? Maybe; could be; who cares? It works; I don't need to know more. In a world of darkness light is a savior.

And the beauty of it is that every tomorrow is a new today.

Bring it on!

Burning news from

5.28.13: New NIN album finished, coming later this year

From TR: "I’ve been less than honest about what I’ve really been up to lately. For the last year I’ve been secretly working non-stop with Atticus Ross and Alan Moulder on a new, full-length Nine Inch Nails record, which I am happy to say is finished and frankly fucking great. This is the real impetus and motivation behind the decision to assemble a new band and tour again. My forays intofilm, HTDA and other projects really stimulated me creatively and I decided to focus that energy on taking Nine Inch Nails to a new place. Here we go!

Stay tuned…"

Alright! I am excited…of course; I think...OK, I'm sure.  Would’ve been much more if my attention wasn’t already completely, totally, undeniably occupied with 30 seconds to Mars :) That's the way life goes.
But it’s good news nonetheless. 

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Cause of choice

I realize perfectly well that earning your bread and butter isn't supposed to be about fun and entertainment. I’m quite OK with the innate boredom, inevitable stress and pressing deadlines. What I’m not OK with is when my colleagues act as if work is a holy crusade and is their sole reason for existence. I love you, my precious headphones.

Monday, May 27, 2013


Do you know that feeling when your body seems to be too small to hold all the emotions you have inside and as if it’s going to burst?; and you breathe in and in and in and it’s still not enough?; and you don’t dare to even blink because you might miss something special?; and the air oozes sweetness?

Sunday, May 26, 2013

Call to arms

OK, what’s in the past stays in the past. First I must ditch guilt; next-to think what I can do with the leftovers. Things look a lot different when when you stand on nothing but your own feet.

Saturday, May 25, 2013


Oh my. What did I get myself into?
I just became aware of a fact that made me feel so small, so insignificant, humble and frustrated, inspired and crushed at the same time. What is knowledge good for if it comes too late?! To have good intentions is a good start but not more. I want to turn back time so I could make better choices and keep an eye on every second of my life. Ignorant I am not but I know just enough to know what I know is not enough. Every comforting excuse I've ever had laughs at me now. Illusions feel good until you see them shattered to bits. 
You wouldn't want to be me right now.  

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Silence for peace

It’s not that I’m antisocial-I just start to feel homicidal if I have to listen to the same old, never-ending, always so utterly egocentric chatter around. So retiring within the safety between my headphones in a universe of my own   is nothing but altruistic.

Wednesday, May 22, 2013


Half a year ago the company I work for moved to a new office. It’s actually a separate building with a yard and a fence-almost like a dream home…except that it’s nothing like it. The new office came with a dog-a 10 year old German shepherd that the previous tenants left behind. His name is Ray but he couldn't care less how the two-legged call him because he’s deaf. He also passes for the company talisman now, sort of. Guess who looks after him? Yours fatefully-as singular, as single-handedly.  Everybody else says “What a cutie” but no one else but me is willing to get his hands dirty.

He’s indeed a cutie and is the sweetest soul ever:

Yesterday I went to one of the giant supermarkets to buy him food (paid with my own money…of course). The girl at the counter marked my groceries (dog food, dog food and dog food) and smiled at me “ Didn't you get anything for you?” Ugh, the day I’ll put myself first will be a sad one.

Tuesday, May 21, 2013


It is officially May 21st everywhere. LLF+D is officially out-everywhere. Where the hell is my CD?!


And because it is absolutely unknown if the CD will ever find its way to this Godforsaken country I did the one thing I could under the circumstances: I downloaded the album. And, no, that wasn't wrong because I already bought this album twice (don’t ask) and I’ll be happy to receive at least one of the copies. Plus, I have only a couple of weeks to get familiar with the music and memorize the lyrics-I have to if I am to sing along, shout along and scream along in Berlin.

Edit 2: 
I managed to listen to LLF+D back-to-back 5 times already. If you could only see the smile on my face…Yes, I love it :)

Monday, May 20, 2013

Object of desire

I saw this gorgeous The Nightmare Before Christmas Jack Skellington watch-sadly only on a picture. I love it, I want it. We’ll be a perfect match.

Sunday, May 19, 2013

Dreams gone wild

I want to try the “everything” part. And then feel free to hate me-let’s see if I’ll care ;)

But first I have to define “everything”. It starts with L and ends with E. And in between and within there is

inexhaustible hope
a newborn’s purity
selfless devotion
around-the-clock astonishment
a safety net of sworn friends
smiles shared
dreams fulfilled
rapturous joy
glittering memories
all the colours of the rainbow shining for everyone
and a dog

Is that much? And so what if it is?


For the past few weeks everything looks bad at first. And not just bad-it looks hopeless initially. And what do I do? Do I melt into a sniffing puddle of self-pity which used to be my trademark? To my surprise I don’t. On the contrary-it only deepens my appetite for what I’m after. And then, miraculously, it all works out well. It’s a fantastic sensation-unfamiliar but fantastic. It is possible then. And why not-after all what’s the worst that can happen? Most of the time it’s not so much about facts but more about perspective. And I love what I see now.

Saturday, May 18, 2013

Counting backwards…

with a smile both happy and terrified of what I hope will remain only in my head. I must try to shake all expectations off. 

Friday, May 17, 2013

Hoopla FB style

It is May 17th today and just like any other year it means it is TR’s birthday. Facebook offers its support with a suggestion that makes me laugh every time I switch to the FB tab:

Yeah, in my dreams :)

Oops, almost forgot. Happy birthday, Trent!

Thursday, May 16, 2013


The thread is getting thinner. I want to make it to home before it breaks completely. Self-delusion can only stand so much distraction.

Wednesday, May 15, 2013


I tried to watch a video on VEVO and what did I see?

People who live where you live aren’t allowed to watch this video.  Not because we don’t luv ya but because the owners have some restrictions. 

As if I can possibly forget where I live and I need “subtle” reminders…

Tuesday, May 14, 2013


This gig, that is yet to come, already paid off. And I will keep my cheery mood even if I have to cuff it. I didn't climb so high just to fall down without a fight.

Saturday, May 11, 2013


An excitement a day keeps the shrink away.

It is absolutely priceless to see that time has no power over true friendship.

Tuesday, May 07, 2013

You've got mail

And enclosed I found:

Happy, happy, happy :)

Monday, May 06, 2013

A letter of motivation

I tend to see signs in even the most of trivial of occurrences-such is my need to mystify life. I arrive at the bus stop 20 seconds prior to the bus-lucky; I run into someone I've hoped never to see again-unlucky; I turn the TV on at precisely the same moment when my favorite song for the week starts-lucky; the fortune slip that comes with my latte sucks-unlucky. (I log into my account right after TR-very lucky; I post in my blogs something of a crucial importance for me and no one gives a damn-well...that's already a sheer catastrophe.)

And ever since I put into motion the idea of going to Berlin on June 6th and be at the 30 seconds to Mars gig I stumble upon hindrances at every step:

* in order to buy the concert ticket I needed my credit card…and I couldn't remember where I've placed it. To find it took a whole afternoon, tones of unholy words and a strenuous and disturbing inner debate regarding my sanity (not to mention the mess around the house that got almost trashed).
Never mind-found it! Ah!

* then it was Amazon: I went to purchase the 3 albums so far and pre-order the new one. “This is war” was out of stock and I had to opt for the deluxe edition-that’s 10 extra dollars but I’m not counting-I need to be square and fair with this band. But! The new album will be delivered AFTER June 6th. Damn.
Oh, well…

* next: plane ticket. Departure time from Sofia is perfect-early afternoon, but I’ll have to fly back from Berlin late in the evening and land in Sofia even later. Shit. And as I tried to buy it an error occurred-there was some problem with the online banking system, bla-bla-bla, and I had to leave it for tomorrow. Scheisse.

Forgot “Oh, well…”

* on to: hotel reservation. I always book the hotel nearest to the venue. But I found out that ALL the hotels near the venue were already sold out. What the…!? Oh, …

I’ve never had so many troubles organizing a concert trip.

Now, if I were to interpret all those obstacles as signs I would've given up at step 1. And I would've-given I believed there was such a thing as destiny. Luckily I don’t. Right now the one thing I believe in is that I want to be there, that I shouldn't allow anything to stand in the way between me and such a simple wish as attending a rock concert, that I’m fucking sick of being scared by the unknown and of always playing on the safe side. You know why I want to go so badly? I'll tell you anyway: because I had a vision of my life if I don’t-flat, eventless, neat, with no memories to make me smile. I want some quality fun before Death asks for me. It is as simple as that.
And signs can go to hell.

P.S. Just in case there is destiny and I’ve touched a nerve-come on, be a good sport, umm? I couldn't have possibly messed up that much as to deserve no help from the higher-ups.

Saturday, May 04, 2013


This too shall pass and that’s what scares me most: that it shall pass without me.

And those were my 15 seconds of whining for this week.

Friday, May 03, 2013

At last!

Oh, the adrenaline rush and the torment of waiting…how much I've missed you!

30 seconds of Mars are having a concert in Berlin on June 6th. I was desperate to go and two hours ago I bought the ticket. 

It is final. I’M GOING!

One good intention at a time

Here’s to a brand new day, lucky turns and happy endings; to love, life and everything in between; to hopes, dreams and wild hearts; to courage, daring and blind faith. 

Thursday, May 02, 2013

Fucked up logic

I saw the video “Up the air” on MTV Rocks. The MTV version is slightly different from what I saw on YouTube because: all the scenes in which Dita Von Teese rides the pink mechanical bull are censored; there’s the word “fuck” in the lyrics but you don’t hear it or lip-read it that is censored too; and there’s Ashley Smith giving the finger-also censored.
Are you sane? Each day I see on music televisions numerous videos in which female flesh is exposed and used in such a manner that is way more vulgar and insulting than the already common “F” word. I guess to show you are pissed off is considered more dangerous than the message that women as a gender are indecent.

P.S. As for Dita-she can make even riding a merry-go-round look dirty; may she be blessed :)