A personal update

Yesterday I “fired” my best friend as such and the position is currently vacant. Now I have to find a way to bring the news to her attention.

I don’t trust her anymore.

I knew it, I KNEW IT ! :(

A Trent Reznor’s quote taken from a telephone interview given days before the LAST NIИ concert in Honolulu on September 18^th:

"YOU ARE getting the last show of the current incarnation of the band."

Although Reznor's touring band of drummer Josh Freese, guitarist Aaron North, bassist Jeordie White and keyboardist Alessandro Cortini are excellent support players, "at this point, I want to switch things around a bit. Nine Inch Nails as a rock band configuration, we've done it and we've done it again. I see other ways I can present the material in concert, more challenging, something new. I don't want it to go stale."

"The idea of five guys playing loud music two hours, while it's the culmination of fine tuning over a lot of years, has got to change once finances come into play, especially performing in markets outside of the mainland U.S. I want to whittle things down."

I need a Halloween costume

And while my eyes (and mind and soul…who am I fooling; it’s probably my hormones whispering in my ears :))) are set on this one (but I can’t have it because all the sites I found it on don’t ship to Europe):

the few Bulgarian sites for rental costumes offer me dreadful items like this one:

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME ?!? I'd better go naked! (figuratively speaking, of course :)))

Modern times

I once read somewhere on the net : Why are you whining to me? Don't you have a blog?!
:)

Existentially ;)

I have that crazy theory about why women gain weight even if they eat a candy while men (generally that is) can eat whatever and whenever it pleases them with no consequences to their appearance. Maybe it’s because men just don’t give a damn about calories and simply don't think about it. Maybe it’s all in one’s mind.

St. Friday

That’s it! And it’s enough! It’s Friday, oh sweet Friday finally! Rest and sleep and meet friends and rest and no work for whole two days! Hooray !

Another lovely citty :)

Little things

That tree grows some 50 m away from my doorway and it is one of the many things I see every day but never bother to really look at because I take them for granted. Children sit on it as on a bench and one of those days I’ll find it broken in two; and the only memory of it will be that picture.

You can't be too careful

What was different about my recent trip to Istanbul in terms of planning and preparation was that basically all that was required of me was to pack my stuff and show up at the bus station. Some other people were in charge of finding transportation, booking a hostel, locating the venue; I was freed of all responsibilities. I did however google what one should do and especially what one is strongly advised not do in Istanbul. And I ran across that one:

“Don't go into any bars that don't have a price list readily available. There are many bars who will happily serve you all night without making it obvious that they charge $50 per beer. These bars, which are not confined to the red light district, normally have groups of women who turn out to be Eastern European prosititues. To the proprietors, ignorance of the tariff is no excuse. If you can't afford to pay they are very, very agressive. They will bodily search you for credit cards. Quite what they'd do if you refused to sign the credit card slip is hard to imagine - they would probably debit your card anyway. It would probably be best to sign the slip then contact the credit card company reporting it as stolen and stating your last purchase was at a time well before the extortion.

Istanbul is not the place to wander aimlessly. Before going, make a plan of what you want to see. Stay away from Laleli and Aksaray (unless you need to use the Metro Station). If you can, book your accomodation in the Asian side.

Don't expect any help from the Police, not even the Tourist Police. They resent anything that disrupts their daily routine of smoking and tea drinking.” ^P.S.

I can not know how would’ve I reacted to the following story if it hasn’t been for what I had read. And yet…

On September the 7^th all of us went to see the St.Sofia church and almost all but me and one of the guys-Ivan, went inside; the two of us sat on a bench right across the church to wait. It wasn’t long before a man of 50 approached us; he was common looking-casual suite, clean proper look. After the obligatory questions (“Where are you from? Bulgaria?! Oh, neighbors!” etc) he came to his point. “I have a leather factory. Are you interested?”. Ivan, who minded his words little, replied “I work in a packaging company; are you interested?”. I didn’t pay attention to their conversation (I was busy taking pictures). The man apologized he had run out of business cards and left…to return 10 minutes later with the proposition to show us his factory which had been very near by. Well, he was addressing Ivan. Ivan turned to me “I’ll go. You wait for our friends to show up.” But 5 minutes earlier I witnessed a few policemen questioning some fellow a couple of meters away from me. “There’s no way I’m staying here alone. I’ll go too”. And so we did. Indeed the factory was some 50 m away from where we were. It looked like an office building on the outside and it was on the inside. We climbed the stairs to the second floor where the factory was. The door was open and through it I saw leather clothes and corridors leading to other rooms full with more leather clothes. I didn’t enter the place-I just took a glance at what was inside and stayed at the door. Ivan went in; the owner smiled at me and invited me to follow him. The first and only thing that came to my mind was to say “I’m sorry but the smell of leather makes me sick. I’ll wait outside”. I marched forth and back at the stairs for less than 5 minutes but it seemed like ages had passed before Ivan came out. Meanwhile some men (and men only; no women) where coming to me to invite me in. “No, thank you. I’m quite alright where I am; thank you”. Everybody laughed at me later; “The smell of leather makes her sick!” No one suspected that has been just a lame excuse. I was simply afraid to go in because…well, two clueless tourists, no one knows where we are, we go in, the door closes…do I need to explain why I was afraid!?

P.S. I was told that you will find the same type of warnings if you google safety traveler’s tips for Sofia. And I can’t give my word that they are untrue. There are bad people everywhere. The point is you just can’t be too cautious when you’re outside your home country.

Less is more

Well, I’m not that greedy. Give me more and I’ll be left with less so you could have more for you.
Yeah, I’m so generous :)

Grumpy

Hate has that obscuring quality to deceive the mind by creating an illusion of a fulfilled life. And once Hate has been shown the way out like to an unwanted guest it has left an empty space I have no substitute yet to fill it with. Every bad habit has to be replaced with something else to assure it’ll be the end of it. Hate is gone and now my emotions are being wasted into a black hole.
I’m just afraid not to slip back.

The beginning of the end…literally

It’s 9 PM in Honolulu right now and this is the beginning of the last show…on this tour that is (or so they say). Fuck!

Something I can never have

On top of all they start with THAT song :((((((((((
Right now I can give no credit to the irony in it.

Burn















Wish












No comment :)



















The end :(((((








No more tour blog for you!

It's my name day today

Today in Bulgaria is the day of St.Sofia and her three daughters: Faith, Hope and Love. And since my name means “faith” in Bulgarian I had a reason to celebrate. And I did! Lots of candies, even more smiles and congratulations. And I received them with joy. To some that might seem a dull thing to mention but to me it means a lot because I clearly remember the antisocial me from just a year ago.

It was a good day.

Funny memories

I just remembered something that I saw before TOOL went on stage that made me laugh then and makes me laugh now as I recall it. There was a guy wearing a T-shirt with a scull on it and the damn thing was flashing! That was a T-shirt with a battery! If only I had my camera with me :( (I’m too lazy to search the emoticon for “angry”).

And, oh, how could I forget! While we were waiting outside the venue to be let in this man came to feed the hungry TOOL fans :

That was hilarious :)))))))))

"I can see you"

That picture was posted yesterday on the tour blog…and it is fascinating to me! I scrolled quickly to see the comments to it and to my surprise almost all have found the image creepy and scary in a way…but I love it; I can’t take my eyes off of it… I wonder if TR is too demanding of his friends as he is of himself. The tour ends in 2 days. I’ll miss the tour blog. I’ll miss the up close and personal connection it gives me. I must find new amusement and passions while I wait for something to happen but it’ll work only if I have some sense of security, some hope that I won’t be waiting in vain. So far I have none; no wonder I feel sad.

“I put my faith in god and my trust in you
now there's nothing more fucked up I could do

wish…”

I must come up with some none NIИ-related wishes. The period of abstinence is tough.

I need to get another one memo board

because on the one I already have there's no place for anything work related :)

Istanbul September 6-7, 2007

It’s been just one week since my return from Istanbul but it seems like months have past.

This time my travel log marks the map of my mental journey rather than of my actual one because I didn’t have that many moments of solitude to write and the only stolen time were the mornings spent at Starbucks waiting for my travel companions to wake up.

September 6^th 2007

Once again I’m abroad. Once again time is to stop for the few days of my trip and will flow the way it used to when I go home. So far this trip seems like the biggest mistake I’ve done lately. To say everything is horrible would be merciful. The start was as stressful as it was possible and it just kept on getting worse. I know it’s just me; it has always been me but it is just now that I’ve grown to be honest before me and admit it; I’m ready to take the blame entirely. I can’t go over that Munich concert that I missed and my sorrow overshadows every good emotion I would have otherwise felt. And now I’m in that way overcrowded city with about 10 other people that I came here with and I feel like shit. I shouldn’t have come at all. I couldn’t have known that I’ll find myself in a period of moaning that now I see I’ll be in for a long time ahead.

I have no idea if it can count as an improvement but I do blame no one but me for the miserable way I feel.

And never under no circumstances travel by coach! Or if you really have no other choice take a sleeping pillow-it would save a lot of pain both physical and mental.

I feel strangely reconciled. Strangely because it’s new to me. I take everything that happens to me to be deserved.

September 7^th 2007

Funny…it just occurred to me that the idea of getting mad about anything or at anyone for a reason or no reason at all is absolutely excluded from my mind as a bad memory I’ve managed to get rid off for good. Such set of mind has its disadvantages but anyway what’s even better is that I don’t take the compromises I make as sacrifices i.e. acceptance is not equalized with sacrifice. I hope that’ll be of help to endure the long process of inhabiting it until it becomes natural. Anger is shameful for oneself for it is not the last option but the easiest one. Winning an argument by means of anger is actually a loss. Well, I’m happy to say that coming to Istanbul seems like a mistake no more. Hooray! I’m having a really good time! And it would’ve been even better if I wasn’t afraid to go wherever I’d want alone so I have to stick close to the people I’m with. Turkish people are nice-very friendly and polite, too polite sometimes that it makes me to suspect some hidden agenda behind their smiles. I know it’s just my ignorance and prejudices speaking; still I the most remote place I dare to go to un accompanied is the Starbucks coffee shop situated on a busy street some 500 m from my hostel. The hostel is not that bad although bathrooms and toilets are shared and it provides only the basic living conditions-a bed and a window to a small street that comes to life at the indecently early hour of 7 AM and forces me to wake up whether I’m ready or not. The window turned out to be an extra because there are rooms with none; the feeling is less bizarre than intimidating.

Traffic in Istanbul is sheer madness. Accidents seem to be avoided by the power of a miracle. It looks chaotic but there must be an order in it that is impossible to be observed within the 2 days I’ve spent here.

Now that I think about the big picture I have to admit I feel lucky to have come here. I haven’t seen even a 1/10 of Istanbul but I’ve seen enough already and I’ve tasted even more. Turkish deserts are a temptation that I succumb to at any opportunity available. Calories?! Who gives a fuck about that!? Not me for sure :) I’ve taken the idea of tasting the city quite literally :))) 2 days without Internet and I couldn’t care less!

Some

images to make it up for everything I was too lazy to write about:

God, I’m so tired…

And yet as I’m just about to bit farewell to a horrible working week (just; for it’s an extra working day today) and see it out of my life with no regrets (but no joy either; so tired I am) I feel the anticipation of life creeping back into my mind and body. The fact that I’m writing in my journal is by itself a proof that I at least feel more human now than the robot living on a schedule that was me for the past 5 days. The key to a mental survival in harsh conditions of existence is to block all emotions to prevent waste of time and resources. Blocking however is not equal to termination; it’s a redirecting; like a flying control center that makes planes to hang like kites in the air until a “parking lot” is available. I’m clearing my airport to make room for things and people that will bring blush on my cheeks and sparkles in my eyes. Working hard for the last 6 months was making sense because I knew what the money was for. ; now my agenda is completely empty and work is no longer a mission destined to fulfill a sacred dream but merely an obligation.

Be careful what you wish for

Being a 24/7 good person comes with some minor but nevertheless irritable side inconveniences. Apart from the mandatory condition to play a role most of the time secretly hoping one day it may become natural now I find myself limited in options for whining whenever my nerves need to ease tension; so limited that my blog is the only option at present.

I hope my mood is so fucked up because of the tour about to end and me missing it: missing the final concert, missing the trip planning, missing the feeling; just missing.

Progressive depressive

and sky is the limit

It’s a day for sanitary measures in paradise. I need to be selfish for a little bit of time.

NIИ concerts have spoiled me

At the Tool Sep 7^th 2007 concert in Istanbul the security took my camera at the entrance. As far as I know whether cameras are allowed in is a matter of the venue’s policy. Or so I thought…because when I returned to Sofia and I checked my mail there was a message waiting for me received a day before the concert :

Dear customer,

for the Tool Concert on September 7 Friday;

* Professional audio and video record devices aren't allowed into the event area.
* Only Cell phones with camera are allowed into the event area.
* As a special Tool requests; please do not use your cell phones to take any photos or record any videos.

Best Regards,
Biletix Customer Relations Department

WTF?!?!? Is it really such a big deal if you take a few pictures to keep a visual memory of a concert!? That message made me jump to some unpleasant conclusions.

TOOL, Sep 7th 2007, Turkcell Kuruçeşme Arena, Istanbul

That was my first ever TOOL concert and…(I’m sorry Dee Dee and everyone I was with but)…

Nine Inch Nails was, is and will always be THE BAND !

Case closed.

While I was waiting for TOOL to come on stage I felt as if I was committing adultery. From now on I’m traveling abroad to see no other band but NIИ (if he cares to tour again at all).

Something to make me smile

Works every time :)

"On our way to the last show in Europe."

As if it wasn’t enough that I had a long face all day long (because I should’ve been in Munich today; I should’ve, I should’ve, I should’ve, damn it! ) and now Rob posted that picture:

Now I’m moving from “really sad” to “fucking depressed”.