Thursday, May 31, 2007

Velvet Acid Christ

I discovered him by accident really. Some time ago I was searching for free mp3s and I saw the name Velvet Acid Christ. It didn’t ring any bell but I liked the name and downloaded a few songs just to hear what the hell that was about. And I loved it completely. He was one of the first musicians I requested for friendship at myspace. His latest bulletin entry took me by surprise but the meaning of it is so close to my heart:

I turn people off.

now i will become generic and unpolitical. the new record will show that i do hate the human race. and do not care to save any of them anymore. i give up.
but you wont have to hear another preaching thing be uttered from my mouth.
that is the good news...

I even sent a comment on his myspace page asking to share the secret how it is done. I’ve been trying for years to no avail so far.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

The root of all evil

is not money as the official version goes.


It’s the ego of men, the individualism, the importance of oneself in one’s mind. Money and caring for money is merely a side effect, a consequence, a measure of it, a visualization of the ego. Ego is to blame for every thought and action that is AGAINST nature and humanity. The idea of being AGAINST is born from the ego of an individual; it is born from the perception of being an individual; when a human being thinks of oneself as a SINGLE human being among others and forgets that one is a part of a group of many human beings. That leads to competition, to racing with others and to a desire to win that race. Ego feeds from the will to conquer, to control, to possess. Money just evaluates it.

Individualism results in competition with other people in order to benefit in wealth, recognition or respect. It means to put your needs above anything/anyone else. That is what’s wrong with this world: too much people want to take a bite but the problem is there is just one cake and the hungry get more and more.

Ah, sweet memories

A friend from the Spiral sent me yesterday a picture taken on the March 30th Vienna concert. I was unaware at the time I’ve been photographed. The quality is horrible but…my god, I look so happy!

The cats at my parents's house

The mother

her daughter

and her two sons

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

The one and only

Vincent :)

Monday, May 28, 2007


Have you ever fallen down
So deep into the ground
That your mouth gets filled with sand
And you can’t even speak out

Nor scream nor cry for help
It is no wonder you have failed
And people step over your head
Until no trace of you is left

Another death, another loser
You’re just another set of bruises
You’re just a shameful piece of shit
A weirdo, psycho, a misfit

This world was never meant for you
This world you’ve tried to sneak into
You’ve dared to think that you could too
Be one of the chosen few

Now, eager bastard, eat your dirt
For that is all that you deserve
And that is all that you will get
Until the moment of your death

Is this the end? I wish I knew
If there’s still hope to hold on to
To help me stand back on my feet
To make me think that I might fit

And find a path that’s worth the pain
And find a faith to keep my strength
And find myself along the way
To make me feel alive again.

I absolutely hit the bottom yesterday. Again.

Saturday, May 26, 2007

Put on your dancing shoes

Velvet Acid Christ has done an awsome remix of Survivalism :)))

Sunday, May 20, 2007

I've been tagged

by Milla of course (who else). And she did it very gently-I didn’t feel a thing :)) She has referred to me with the words “crazy gal” hopefully with the full awareness I’d take it as a compliment.

Available or single: Isn’t that the same thing? Single-yes; available-um, the word suggests that I can’t wait to jump into the arms of any man who registers any interest in me just for the sake of being in a relationship. It’s one of the most favorite people’s mistakes.

Best friend: Tedi. We are sooo different but for some reason she thinks very highly of me and I know she would do anything for me if I only ask.
How do you define a true friend? True friends keep believing in you even when you lose all your faith in yourself.

Cake or pie: Both. Why torture yourself by restricting?

Drink of choice: Green tea-because it’s healthy. Cappuccino-because it tastes good and it goes perfectly well with a cigarette. No alcohol-I hate the taste and I get drunk pretty easy and I feel sick afterwards. And when I say “healthy” I mean it in terms of vanity-I do not want to live to be 100 (or 80, or 70).

Essential item: A notebook and a pen. A box of cigarettes and a lighter. A table for one in a cozy cafeteria on a Sunday late morning. It’s a bliss. Such moments are essential.

Apart from that–my NIИ CDs. It warms my heart to look at that pile next to the stereo.

Favourite colour: Black-since my 16th birthday. Black is safe.

Gummi Bears or Worms: I do not have the slightest idea what that question means. And I find my ignorance in that particular case quite encouraging-it means that world is not THAT globalized as people tend to think/hope/fear it is. Long live the cultural differences!

Hometown: Sofia, Bulgaria. It’s dirty and crowded. Public transport can bring you to a nervous breakdown. Sidewalks are taken by cars. Old buildings are left to ruin. New buildings are hideous. But it is my home town-and I love it.

Indulgence: Laziness. Wishful thinking.

January or February: February: it’s shorter.

Kids: I have said more than enough on the subject. However so far it has become clear to me that one should never say “never”. Destiny is known to be tricky on everyone playing a wise guy. The unpredictability of the path of life is one of the reasons to live at all-out of curiosity if not for any other reason (That sounds a bit like “I don’t believe in God but I keep a crucifix in my bedroom just in case”.). Anyway, I would make a horrible mother.

Life is incomplete without: Friends. Sharing. Music. Dreams. Magic.

Number of siblings: None. My parents told me that when I’ve been just a kid they have asked me what would’ve I preferred: a sister/brother or a TV. We have got a new TV.

Oranges or apples: Apples. I’m definitely an apple-person.


* Physical mutilation (because mutilation can be also mental).

* To have an ordinary life.

* Aging (I can see it-wrinkles, white hair, body responds in peculiar ways). I know aging is inevitable and unstoppable. Still I can’t take it peacefully. I think it has a lot to do with freedom: freedom of expression; freedom of choices-choices offered to me and choices I can afford to turn down. A simple example-I don’t see myself at a rock concert at the age of 60.)

* That I might never find peace of mind.

Quote, favorite:

"To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all." - Oscar Wilde

“It's too bad that stupidity isn't painful.” – Anton La Vey (I was quite confused when I found out who he was. And I was really furious when I saw the name of NIИ in one of his quotes-miserable piece of shit that Anton La Vey turned out to be).

Reasons to smile: My dog Vincent. But really-I prefer to smile just because I feel like smiling and not for a particular reason. And yet-small gestures; unprovoked kindness; one stray dog that walks with me all the way to the bus stop when I go to work (I wish I could take him home).

Season: I don’t care as long as it isn’t too cold or too hot.

Unknown fact about me: I have no idea what is known about me and what is still unknown. Anyway, I can’t think of anything that might be of interest to anyone. OK, here’s one: I get along with dogs much better than with most humans…probably because I don’t have to speak.

Vegetarian or oppressor of animals: Vegetarian.

Worst habit: Smoking? Sarcasm. I react to stupidity like a shark that has sensed blood-I bite and kill. It’s horrible and I do make great efforts not to do it but still sometimes I lose my temper and I say things I regret for later.

X-rays or ultrasounds: Never thought about that.

Your favorite foods: Anything that raises my blood sugar. Anything I know I shouldn’t let close even to my eyes. Anything that I forbid myself to eat (and I don’t-I just wish I could).I’m crazy about sugar-based food – that is why I had to give it up. I can go without any bit I can’t go with just one.

Zodiac: Cancer.

Friday, May 18, 2007

Welcome to Japan

Sofia-Tokyo: 7 hours difference. In about an hour the Tokyo show has to begin. I feel so nervous-I close my eyes and imagine that right now I’m not at work but hanging on the rail waiting for the band to come on stage. I can’t help it. I don’t even try to. Damn! I curse a lot lately on this page…but I surely have the reasons for it.

Does the reason always justify the action?

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Happy birthday Trent :)

May you find what you’re looking for.

Monday, May 14, 2007

Capital G artwork

Capital G

I pushed a button and elected him to office and a
he pushed a button and it dropped a bomb
you pushed a button and could watch it on the television
those motherfuckers didn't last too long ha ha
I'm sick of hearing bout the haves and the have nots
have some personal accountability
the biggest problem with the way that we've been doing things is
the more we let you have the less that I'll be keeping for me

well I used to stand for something
now I'm on my hands and knees
traded in my god for this one
he signs his name with a capital G

don't give a shit about the temperature in guatemala
don't really see what all the fuss is about
ain't gonna worry bout no future generations and a
I'm sure somebody's gonna figure it out
don't try to tell me how some power can corrupt a person
you haven't had enough to know what it's like
you're only angry cause you wish you were in my position
now nod your head because you know that I'm right - all right!

well I used to stand for something
but forgot what that could be
there's a lot of me inside you
maybe you're afraid to see

well I used to stand for something
now I'm on my hands and knees
traded in my god for this one
he signs his name with a capital G

Sunday, May 13, 2007


An update from Trent Reznor on

Posted on [05_13_2007]

As the climate grows more and more desperate for record labels, their answer to their mostly self-inflicted wounds seems to be to screw the consumer over even more. A couple of examples that quickly come to mind:

* The ABSURD retail pricing of Year Zero in Australia. Shame on you, UMG. Year Zero is selling for $34.99 Australian dollars ($29.10 US). No wonder people steal music. Avril Lavigne's record in the same store was $21.99 ($18.21 US).
By the way, when I asked a label rep about this his response was: "It's because we know you have a real core audience that will pay whatever it costs when you put something out - you know, true fans. It's the pop stuff we have to discount to get people to buy."
So... I guess as a reward for being a "true fan" you get ripped off.

* The dreaded EURO Maxi-single. Nothing but a consumer rip-off that I've been talked into my whole career. No more.

The point is, I am trying my best to make sure the music and items NIN puts in the marketplace have value, substance and are worth you considering purchasing. I am not allowing Capital G to be repackaged into several configurations that result in you getting ripped off.

We are planning a full-length remix collection of substance that will be announced soon.

Saturday, May 12, 2007


Nothing is absolute. NOTHING. There’s no right and wrong. There’s no proper and improper behavior. The one thing to matter is the sound of your inner voice. Whatever may happen at least you’ll know you’ve been true to yourself. Is that too egocentric? Probably, but then again one should not think or act according to other people’s expectations. One should take the risk of being disapproved otherwise one would disapprove oneself.

Mysteries again

The May 10th and 11th Sidney shows had been canceled without a word of explanation except for the standard "circumstances beyond our control" which leaves a lot of room for speculations and rumors. People in the forums are freaking out. I’m freaking out too. Everybody’s wondering whether tomorrow’s Melbourne show will take place at all. It’s not right to keep us in suspense.

At least the front page images from the last few days are beautiful:

Friday, May 11, 2007


“It is said that passion makes one think in a circle.” - The Picture of Dorian Gray, chapter XVI

Passion not necessarily physical as lust but in terms of being consumed by the thought of whatever it is that you really care about; passion as belonging. For some time it feels fabulous. You feel special; you walk above the ground and none of the dirt scattered on it can touch and contaminate you. The world is the same but your eyes are blind to its flaws because your mind is in a different dimension where illusions are real enough to be believed. Occasionally you get to notice some of the common people that have to be content with one world only and you almost feel sorry for them because you have so much more than they’d ever dare to dream of. Life seems perfect-why wouldn’t it be? it’s your own creation. But then, one day, without warning, your feelings deceive you and you see cracks in your perfect picture through which the filth of the real world creeps in and the weight of everything you’ve been spared while being under the spell of your dreams crushes you for it is unbearable for one’s mind to adjust to ugliness after being exposed to beauty for so long.

I just saw a boy in a wheel chair. To spend your life trapped by the inability of your body is a fate worse than death. Seeing that boy made another crack in my perfect picture. Little deaths everywhere.

Thursday, May 10, 2007


I felt it…I don’t know what has happened today but I felt it. A terrible anxiety at around 8-8.30 AM (GMT+2). What is that suppose to mean?!

Wednesday, May 09, 2007


Sometimes the list of the “little things in life” shrinks to a cup of cappuccino and a fortune slip. My last one was “Money”. Good-short, simple and useful. Chasing my dream is costly…but priceless as an experience.

Monday, May 07, 2007

Tour 2007-part 2

The Brisbane show should start in a matter of minutes.
Damn, I wish I was there.

The saddest line ever

" isn't anybody stopping me?" - The Line Begins To Blur, With Teeth

Thursday, May 03, 2007


Terry Pratchet’s “Witches abroad” tells the story of a kingdom ruled by an evil witch whose purpose is to bring fairytales to life. One of the fairytales is the one about the Red Riding Hood in which the wolf is under a spell made by that evil witch. He’s a wolf on the outside and a human on the inside. For years that half animal-half human is isolated – he can’t join the other wolfs because they sense he’s different and for obvious reasons he can’t live among people. The wolf gets killed at the end but accepts his death as a release and with joy.

I feel like that wolf.

“I can swallow it down
keep it all inside
I define myself
by how well I hide
feel it coming apart
well at least I tried
I can win this war
by knowing not to fight”

Me, I’m not

Funny…I don’t envy other people for anything at all. There’s nothing they have that I want.

I need to get back on the road again. Facing the unknown makes me feel alive and it extends time endlessly creating the illusion of an eternity.

I don’t post in my blog even the half of what I write in my journal and I don’t write in my journal even the half of what goes through my mind. Errrr…I saw The Fellowship of the Ring again a couple of days ago :)

And I finally got my Beside you in time DVD. Yes!

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Marilyn Manson is coming to town

4th of July 2007, Academic Stadium, Sofia, Bulgaria. There’s no confirmation on the band’s tour page but I guess it is official since I bought the tickets today-for me, my cousin and his 15 years old son. I have never seen that boy but from the little I know he’ll surely welcome the idea of an aunt with combat boots. I can not pass the thought that a few years ago I would’ve been far more exited about that concert. MM in Sofia?! Is he that desperate? Does that mean his career is not going smoothly lately? Whatever, I’ll be there anyway. I’m planning to wear my NIN T-shirt and to shout as loud as my lungs allow: NINE INCH NAILS! NINE INCH NAILS! risking to be thrown out by the security :))) I’m kidding; of course I won’t…shout that is but it is fun to play that scenario in my mind. However I’m definitely wearing the NIN T-shirt. Eat this :)))

Freak on a leash

The situation is much worse than I’ve realized. I’m depressed from tip to toe but paid no attention because apparently I find feeling bad to be normal state of being.

Don’t question the reality of my imaginary world. I respect your right to a freedom of choice though I find the way you use it to be a sheer waste of potential. And, please, wipe that smile off your face; that, declaring better than a thousand signs “This world is mine and it exists only for me!” smile. Not that you would-I just wish you’d do so. The importance of everything is purely individual. My bread and water probably seem bullshit to you, but it is MY bullshit. I’m willing to protect my kingdom of visions with nails and teeth to the last drop of my hope. Have I already lost it-that last drop? I feel completely empty, dry as a desert; the rain of rebirth hasn’t even started to form-the sky is spotless, not a whisper disturbs the dead quiet. Silence is a punishment. The uncertainty about the nature of my sins makes it even more dreadful. The lack of clarity of the crimes committed makes me an accuser and accused at the same time. The sentence is “guilty of being a human”.

Silence is poisonous to one’s mind. One joins the living dead. Right in this very moment I feel like one of them-blood floats through my veins out of habit; I look but I don’t see; I listen but I don’t hear-there’s no feedback from the mind. You know you’re dead when you wish for nothing at all, when you feel like a ghost walking among people because their eyes go right through you as if you are an empty space.

Life is an illusion made real in your head. You have to fool yourself to keep that illusion alive. It’s like a tower of cards-remove one and everything goes down in ruins.

Who’s the real me-the one I used to be or the one I am now?

I don’t think I don’t fit anywhere; I just haven’t found my place…yet. But no one have said it would happen for sure. I might never find it.

Every scream that has ended up choked in my throat is the death of a new beginning.

Where is the life I’ve been promised?
Wasn’t I a good servant?
Didn’t I listen to your lies until I believed them?
Didn’t I suffer enough quietly feeding your ego with my fears?
Didn’t I sacrifice my dreams, my precious purity and soul?
Didn’t I?
I have nothing left to give.
I need…
No, I don’t need.
I want…
No, I don’t want.
I wish…
No, not that either.
Take what you need, want, wish.
Am I a servant looking for its master?
Am I a victim looking for its killer?
Will I resist?

I used to think my life would work somehow. It looked so damn easy from aside. The Promised Land the TV shows is a lie I’ve been taught to believe in.

What is the price of happiness? High.

What do those words mean?
Where did they come from?
I don’t know. I just saw them in my mind and wrote them down.

I feel more than I hear. I sense more than I see; beyond words; beyond explanations. Sometimes that feels like a curse.