Aerial

Attachments. They complete you to a whole. But I see a trick in that-it adds reality to your existence. The thicker your presence is-the more vulnerable you are; the more you have-the more there is to lose…and your fear grows. The perfect balance is an utopia, a beautiful dream that can only exist in the premises of the mind. Real happiness is always momentary-we can only remember it has happened. 

Each day as if I’m getting closer and closer to freedom-freedom form remorse, bitterness, regret, envy. It feels so strange to realize that playing a martyr gives me neither comfort nor content anymore, none what so ever. Whiners whine to attract sympathy. I don’t need sympathy. I need love, universal love. And if I am to attract it I have to become light.  

The consolation of the one who can afford to willingly reject one’s never claimed possessions in exchange for freedom.

Compulsively optimistic

Each day that passes brings me closer to spring, to freedom, to the new life I wish for myself. That alone is enough to make me fall asleep smiling.

Bad-Worse-Worst

People’s fictional dramas are starting to really piss me off.

Truly dramatic situations are limited in scenarios. If you’re not terminally ill, if you’re not disabled in any way, if you’re not in the gutter beating your brains how to make ends meet, if you’re in one piece and there’s food on your table and roof over your head, if your loved ones are well and secure-then, please, shut the fuck up and be quietly grateful for the privilege to have a normal life ‘cause there are plenty others not as lucky as you.

"Merciful death, how you love your precious guilt."

“Interview with the vampire” was on TV last night and I watched it again-for the twentieth time probably. That movie and Gary Oldman’s Dracula are the reason why I used to think I liked vampire movies. I do, indeed, but very few vampire movies proved to be nearly half as good as those two. Pity.

I looked for the opening titles music score (beautiful piece of music) and while listening to it I noticed the catchphrase “Drink from me and live forever” on the poster. “Live forever”? Hmm. Does anyone really want that? Longer-probably…OK, most definitely but forever?! I don’t see the bargain in it. One has to mind one’s wishes.

Quietly wondering

Early in the morning and late in the evening people’s faces I catch a glimpse of on the bus radiate no emotional IQ what so ever. They look savage, prehistoric, as I imagine pre-humans to have looked like before inventing words to name emotions. But then again animals seem to do pretty well with emotions-then maybe the purpose of language is just to lie convincingly?

"THINKING OUT LOUD"

sometimes words just get in the way

TGWTDT

I feel idiot-like whenever my mind steps into the role of an unbiased bystander just to make the crude observation that my life goes in weekly cycles of being an M-F office zombie occasionally awaking her senses on the weekends; as if I am to earn a gold medal or something to keep me warm in the evenings… but that is a different and not so interesting story.

That is why I saw “The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo” last Sunday (oh, my, that seems ages ago!) but found time to write about its effect on me a week later. Hmm, not that I have much to say-better go and see it for yourself. Some will love it, some will probably hate it but no one will have a dull moment throughout those 158 min and that’s for sure but although I am ready to recommend TGWTDT to anyone at the same time I know I will never want to see it a second time. I go to a movie again (in some cases-many times again) only when it puts me in an emotional state I’d want to fall into once more. But in that movie there’s no emotion I’d want to reply.

So here I go:

N       deliberately missed the rape scene; I knew about it and when it came I sneak out to the bathroom. I didn’t see why I should inflict such a torment on me. (And for the first time the multi-cubicle public bathroom felt spooky and frightening. It was all empty and quiet and I realized that no one would hear me if I screamed…taken I had a reason to, God forbid!)

N       Daniel Craig’s anti-James Bond image; how come some men look fabulous even when they look shabby? Yummy.

N       the soundtrack, of course; the primal reason for going to the movie in the first place. And...(I don’t know how else to put it)…I didn’t quite pay attention to it-so absorbed I was in the plot and the ups and the downs (mostly downs) of the characters. Hmm, maybe I should after all see it again-this time for the sake of the music alone. Not that I don’t have the soundtrack already but I need to be sure for myself exactly how audio and video mix which I failed to notice the first time.

N       Lisbeth knocked on an apartment’s door and the guy that opened it was wearing a T-shirt with the Nine Inch Nails logo on it. I might have produced a sound of surprise and satisfaction :) I might have been the only one in the theatre :(

N       speaking of Lisbeth I just have to mention how much I loved her image. It so happened that I had my combat boots on that day and after leaving the movie theatre to take a stroll on the empty sidewalks as the evening was putting the daylight to sleep my temper was jumpy and my heart felt reckless; a  classic “You talkin’ to me?” case. (relax; no one got hurt-neither I nor anyone else)   

N       last (for now) but not least: the much talked about, re-shared and re-played opening title sequence; an unexpected treat I’m still not fed up with:

Fake it till you make it

Yesterday’s fortune cookie: “I may be growing old but I refuse to grow up”.

I hope to never get so old as to give up dreaming. To dream is to hope; to hope is to feel good there will be a tomorrow; to know that whatever shit falls on you today tomorrow will wash it away.

Dreams are a life simulator. Real life always feels bumpier but the key (I hope) is to practice, practice, practice until it finally goes smoothly.

Ah…OK, here’s the deal.

Despite the rose-coloredness in my words I am not an idiot (you’ll have to take my word for it). I know (first hand, alas!) that life sucks. But I also learned (or was rather taught a lesson) that life doesn’t suck all the time.

It just doesn’t pay off to resist the instinct for life. I’m here, brought to this world. I may not have wanted it; I may sometimes (true-not as often as before-good!) wish I’ve never been born at all but what’s done is done and it’ll be undone (once again against my will…probably) when my time runs out. However, the one thing I am in control of is the way I feel about that time in between so I might as well at least try to enjoy it. It might work; it might not. But the only sure way to lose is not to give it a try at all. 

NB

Indeed-the greatest and most rewarding power is the control over your own self.