My precious fairytale

I must have seen “The Crow” some 20 times by now-even more perhaps, but I’m still not tired of it. It brings back so many memories…and even the not so good ones are a welcome distraction from the imbecility of working hours.

"It can't rain all the time", the Crow said.  

I'm trying to recall the last time I was happy just to be alive-and I can't. It shouldn't be that way, it isn't right to be that way. 

Higher

I dreamt last night. I was an angel (an archangel to be precise) and in my dream I fought demons. And I was pretty good at it-it didn’t seem like I was losing. Alas, I woke up before the battle was over.

Funny, during the fight I wasn’t afraid for myself - as if what was at stake was far grander than a minor detail such as my safety.

And yes, I had wings-just like these:

Kind of irreversible

If only anyone knew how much words sicken me. Maybe I have become too cynical and assume everything I hear to be a lie; maybe my self-delusion mechanism has malfunctioned.

If only anyone knew…it would make no difference what so ever.

When?

There’s some progress on the NIN tour page but slow, discouragingly slow. And I need all the gigs to be listed so I could start planning. I need a specific moment in the time ahead when my happiness will be a sure fact rather than a “maybe”.

Edit: 
I just read my horoscope for today and it said “Try to remember what’s coming up — it’s way too easy to get stuck in the present or, worse, the past today. The future is where you’ll spend the rest of your life, so make it nice and comfy!”

Huh.

Shout it with a song

There’s a limit to one's patience beyond which the only thing to do is either yell, scream or simply faint.

Resist

Exasperation is in the air. People at the office are at each other‘s throats for no apparent reason – ugly, so ugly; so small, so selfish.  It would be so easy to join them. Tempting…but that goes away once I put the headphones on. Do as you wish-just let me dance my way through this day:

A break

Sure, life is shitty but then there are those blessed moments when I absolutely don’t give a fuck about that. Once again: acceptance through denial. Whatever makes my heart jump must be right.

It gives me the giggles that YouTube keeps recommending me How To Destroy Angels. Don't sweat it, OK? 

Until further notice

My intuition is off today-or so I prefer to thinks because it tells me it will be an unlucky day and I wish it wasn’t true. But it could be for the better. I myself feel off in any sense imaginable. Luck is a rare and capricious commodity that should be treated with respect; it would be a shame to waste it in vain. 

Ugh

The day is triple critical at best – the kind that takes a split personality to survive it: one to do my work, one to attend to all the insolent bastards who apparently mistake me for their personal assistant/servant, one to curse and throw tantrums, one to rise above the whole shittiness of it and laugh; and one to scream because it would’ve been funny if it wasn’t so sad.

It all seems so pitiful and meaningless.

Dark bewitching

Yesterday Bryan Erickson aka Velvet Acid Christ announced he will be playing at the 2013 Wave-Gothic-Treffen that is due from May 17^th until May 20^th in Leipzig.   Not to mention all the other cool bands that I’d be absolutely thrilled to see. Not to mention that this festival in particular is by itself a reason enough to go. Considering my fascination with gothic culture I’d be like a kid in a candy store. I might even dare to dress accordingly, who knows. Scarlet red lipstick, black nail polish, eyeliner, tight jet-black latex outfit-the works. Just the thought about it makes my head spin. But I can’t decide on anything before the complete NIN tour schedule is set. Sometimes time is a friend, sometimes-a foe. And we’re nothing but pawns in its hands. I want to have some fun before I get kicked out of the game.

Spring at last

If only for tonight

Today I feel somewhat…frivolous. In about an hour I’ll be on my way to a fancy restaurant to dine with my single lady friends. I know how it’ll go and I can’t wait for it: to sit quietly and slowly sip red wine while the girls chew the all-familiar men-shopping-travels-gossips-men issues. In those moments life seems delusively but yet so delightfully charming and innocent. 

Edit: The wine was white, with the utmost delicious blueberry scent. The talk was soothingly small sprinkled with light-hearted self-irony. It was just perfect.

Yearning

It pains me to know the world could be much better and yet it chooses to be the way it is.

Stubborn

If “peace of mind” is the euphemism for “dullness” the deal is off.  To be emotionally blind and deaf is too much of a price for complacence.

But sometimes I fear it has already happened.

Aspirations unfinished

It isn’t right the best thing about a day to be that it ends eventually. I wonder: am I in the wrong place or am I wrong for any place?

So it began

I didn’t expect the first shows to be announced so soon. And I didn’t even hope there would be gigs in Europe before 2014. Be still, my heart-I’m breathless.