Wednesday, April 25, 2007

How can this be real ?!

In the Spiral forum there’s a thread about the upcoming show in Prague on August 13th. An American from Boston wrote he’d like to come to the show because he’d like to see the city and the only thing that would make him change his mind would be…here’s the quote:

“I'm trying to talk myself in (or out?) of going to this. I flew over to Europe for the Berlin shows this spring but I've always wanted to see Prague; Berlin was sort of second choice when there wasn't a Prague date...however I just got back from visiting a friend in Mexico -- all the trips are sapping my funds as well as vacation time.

EDIT: Oh, and just the thought of going through US Customs again makes me shiver. This time they looked at EVERY photo I had on my laptop -- going all the way back to pictures from 6 years ago. They always 'randomly' select me for special treatment. The agent told me he was checking for 'kiddie porn.' I had my Digital Rebel with me so maybe they thought they would find some naughty pictures? US Customs nearly always stops me.

I am speechless.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

ummm

YZ is a concept album. That’s clear to everyone but those-what was the expression The Rolling Stone used?- “unless you’ve been living under a rock lately” (is that a good enough reason to consider everyone uninformed as “underground”? :))). OK, so it is a concept album which is a part of a greater project - alright, there's nothing wrong with that but…
It seems to me that people in general are far more concerned about the idea and the sites and the awareness and AIR and the whole ARG thing and they kind of forgot to actually listen to the music; as if you can’t enjoy the YZ album as such unless you know every information surrounding it; as if the YZ music is a side-dish or something to help you chew and swallow easier.

And the music is beautiful.
I need a rest from the ARG; I need time alone with the sound.

…………………………….

Why do I have that oppressive feeling of a catastrophe about to happen?

Plenty

Apparently the delivery address I give on websites is correct-yesterday I received 2 shipments : Year Zero from Insound and Further Down The Spiral (UK edition) from Amazon. YZ came in a big cardboard box because of the YZ lithograph with this image on:

My memo board has never been lovelier :)









Year Zero Artwork :





Saturday, April 21, 2007

OMG OMG OMG

There's an update on nin.com performance page :

just added:
12 aug 07 bratislava,
slovakia
incheba hall on sale: 03 may 07

spiral pre-sale:
25 april 07 @ 17:00 (CEST)
support: TBA
just added:
13 aug 07 prague,
czech republic
slavia zimni sdion on sale: 03 may 07

spiral pre-sale:
25 april 07 @ 17:00 (CEST)
support: TBA

On the road again :)))))

Thank you Thank you Thank you

More on April 18th AIR LA meeting

OK, so that police thing turned out to be a stunt. To the people not to experience it personally it has been obvious from the start. To me it wasn’t and I’m damn sure (just as I’m sure my mind is torn to pieces) that some of the present at the um, let’s call it performance, have been terrified at least for a few seconds when that fake SWAT team has raided the room. Apparently 6 people have been detained by the “policemen” to another place and questioned. I can’t help thinking what must have gone through their minds. After all this is the USA and as little I know but the USA today is not how it has been 5 years ago. A lot has changed and not in a good direction. People’s minds have changed for sure and for good.

A Spiraler named Taryn who has been there has posted a beautiful story about her experience at that meeting; so beautiful that it ruined all of my stability :

That was not a show, it was an unforgettable experience.

Understand that the build up began six days previously when we got the resistance phones. That is a long time to wait by a well charged phone longing for a ring to answer your uncertainties and hopes. Speculation only led to more questions and more possibilities and ultimately you just had to accept that you would be taken on someone else’s ride. I didn’t know that would be literal and I didn’t imagine last night could have been better than any of the ideas I had about it.

After the calls started coming a few of us self-organized and had a motorcade from Echo Park that went up onto the freeway in the shadows of the downtown skyline then down again winding through a narrow alley into a plastic-blackened, fenced in parking lot. We were instructed to surrender anything of value except our phones and identification. We were corralled into a corner of the parking lot sealed with yellow caution ribbon and told to wait an hour. We signed releases for our likenesses in multimedia formats that concluded with “I am getting on this bus of my own free will. I don’t know where I’m going or what will happen to me when I get there.” And really, no one could have dreamed what was to come.

The baby blue bus was creaky and dilapidated. Black paper curtailed sight through the windows and a black curtain blocked the driver’s carriage. The standing-room-only ride was rife with twists and turns that had people gripping their safety bars. The feeling of uncertainty added to the experience and made it ride like a rollercoaster at times. Inclines and declines indicated we were in the hills – we were absolutely in the woods in terms of knowing what might happen next.

The first room of the compound could have been any American community center. It looked like the kind of place you find scout meetings or Friday night bingo from the way the folding chairs were arranged into rows. Everyone sat so quietly there you could have heard a nail drop. After five minutes on the edges of our seats, the speaker came in. He was like a younger Samuel L. Jackson only he used a fictional character to say something very real.

The speech ended and we were directed through a door. Then with the help of OSR members brandishing AIR bandanas Zapatista style, we were directed up a narrow and rickety staircase. We honestly didn’t know if we were headed back to the bus or where we were going. It was entirely disorienting and creepy. The first room of the compound didn’t hint at the labyrinthine vastness of it. After we were upstairs we crossed an outdoor bridge into another building and rounded yet another dark corner to find a fright, err, freight elevator. The first ten or so got in the elevator and the rest took the stairs… but we all went down.

I didn’t know what was happening but I heard someone say the magic words “Is that a stage?” Not exactly, it was a six inch high platform the size of my kitchen. The band was already on it and before most of us had even figured that much out because the room was pitch and we were still getting situated, they bombarded us with Beginning of the End. NIN are pretty damn good at surprise entrances in general, but this was like a freak-out ride with a free fall you don’t see coming because you’ve been kept in the dark the whole time. The whole entrance concept was turned on its head in that the audience was making it while the band waited for us. Up until that second we really didn’t know they were there. Even afterwards on the bus we couldn’t believe what had happened.

The first four songs were all American debuts and it’s all kind of blur right now. When you’re nearly eyelevel with the band and there’s no barricade you don’t really know how to react. There is no precedent for an event like this. You can’t not get worked up to Survivalism live; every syllable of the chorus is thrown like a punch. There, you’ve got your fist. Last is so good live it makes straight guys dance well. March of the Pigs finally let me shake off the vestiges of disbelief and confirmed that it was a crazy, one of a kind NIN performance – but a NIN performance none the less. Before seeing it in this context, I hadn’t realized how well We’re In This Together fits with the YZ concept. I think a lot of the older NIN songs will end up with new significance on the coming tour. The Frail sets a heavy mood, it’s reflective and also gives one the sense that there is something wicked yet to come. I eyed the full set lists taped to the ground expectantly. Yet (as is so often the case) just when you think you know what’s coming next Nine Inch Nails have a way of catching you off guard and blowing you away.

I didn’t want to go. When the raid started I looked towards Trent for a clearer indication of what was going on. As I was getting pushed out I saw him put his hands before the look of terror on his face as he crouched beneath a hail of hallow gunfire. It was brilliant.

I feel like the luckiest girl in the world to have been there. When we first got on the bus Ms. OSR instructed us vaguely about the first ever meeting but hit the nail on the head when she called it “[an] historic event.” What kind of band does this? I’ve never heard of anything like it before. It was like theatre in the round inverted: the players outnumbered the audience and imprisoned us from the periphery.

I’m seriously awe struck. I’ve thought that NIN are the greatest band in the world for a long time. Even though there were long gaps, the albums were always worth the wait. But this is something else – the scope of it goes well beyond any previous art form I’m aware of. It’s a proud day to be a fan.

The speech in question at the beginning of the meeting is good; weird at first sight but good :

AIR LA meeting 04-18-2007 speech

What the hell were you thinking? I just want to start by saying, you’re all dead! You were seen gathering around a piece of protest art. A shady guy in a van gave you resistance themed material, and you took it, in public, without knowledge of who they were. What if they were if FBI, NSA? We gave you phones; cell phones send a signal out to the network every 10 seconds or so. Remember after 9/11 there was a bio-terrorism scare some guy sending the anthrax spores through the mail, the FBI caught him by triangulating on his cell phone signal. So, you self identified as dissidents, you kindly agreed to carry tracking devices on yourselves, you showed up for a resistance meeting and you singed a waiver that gave us permission to do… ANYTHING. You allowed yourselves to be hustled onto a van, you let us take away any way of communicating with the outside world that you had. We then drove you to an unknown location and led you down to this room; if this was Nazi Germany, I would walk out that door laughing, and fucking Zyklon B would start hissing out of the vents.

You learned a lesson, guys. In a real resistance, you don’t get a lot of second chances. Look. you’ve seen some scary website about what the future might become, me too. So let’s start by saying, you’re not crazy, I’m not crazy, and go from there. ‘Cause like most people, I need a kick in the ass to change. I mean I was sort of politically aware, I guess, but mostly back then I read the Drudge report every now and then, and felt guilty if I didn't get around to voting on Election Day. Then awhile back, some people I know, came across a.. uh… call it a transmission… uh… a few broken pieces of the future. That’s some scary shit, it shook my belief that it, you know, can happen. The other weird thing was, we thought we recognized a some things. Uh, a couple of names, uh, a certain style of a piece of art, the sound of the music. So we sent some of this stuff around to some people we thought we recognized. Obviously, we didn’t say, “dude look, you’ve been beamed back from the future”, because none of us wanted to get get enemas from Nurse Ratchet in a state psychiatric facility. What we did instead was, we sent a piece of work to the person we thought created it with a note attached like, "Hey, is someone trying to copy your style?" Like that. For instance, we sent a music clip to a certain artist, and said, “hey this sounds like something new, is it a uh bootleg or is it maybe somebody trying to leak something out of the studio on you?” A couple days later there’s something in my inbox from this artist, the subject line is, “How the fuck did you get this?” Turns out he had written the exact words down in a notebook a few days ago, he hadn’t even started recording the song. The rest you know. We’ve been trying to find as many of these transmissions as possible, trying to get them out there. People are waking up to this shit! I mean they’re painting street art, they’re writing songs, I’m involved with a website, Open Source Resistance, maybe you’ve seen it?! [audience responds with muffled affirmations ] Yeah! Is this the future? I don’t know, but I sure as hell hope not.

Unfortunately, that future is closer than you think. Think about what you all have witnessed in the last few years, right here in America. In the aftermath of 9/11, the current administration has done unbelievable damage to civil liberties. If you are not a US citizen, and the government decides, God help you, that you are an enemy combatant, which that can define pretty much at will. They can throw you in jail and keep you there, FOREVER! Is there anyone here who is not a US citizen? [one audience member indicates yes] Hey! Just being here at this meeting might be sufficient cause to call you an enemy combatant. Ok, if we were the feds, we might have set this up to scare the shit out of everybody else, but you, you don’t go home tonight. You, get a one way ticket to Guantanamo Bay. What about those of us who are citizens? Tonight, you’re lucky, but what if there was another 9/11 attack? Big terrorist attack, something bigger even, something say, right here in LA soon. Lots of people killed, big chunks of the city evacuated. Do you seriously think the feds wouldn’t extend the Ashcroft laws to make catching terrorists a priority? Listen, I don’t wanna have my plane hijacked by Islamic terrorists either, I’m not crazy, but in the big picture there aren’t a lot of those guys and they don’t have a lot of money. The government has lots of money, and guns, and cops, and lawyers, you don’t want them to get in the habit of using that shit on ya. Keep them honest. Use your voice, be heard!

So what are the ordinary real things we can do to make a difference? Listen, you don’t have to be Gandhi to get involved. If politics seems big and vague, cut it down to size. You don’t have to stop the war in Iraq, look maybe you think you aught to give a shit about Iraq, but you just don’t. Listen, I grew up in Orange County, when they built state route 241 back in the ‘90s, I didn’t pay attention. They said it would make the commute a lot easier, and I was all for that. Then they bulldozed it, right over the Laguna hills, they literally cut the top of the hills and dumped the fill dirt in the valleys. They mutilated it, the place that I grew up in. So then they want to build a southern expansion to 241, they wanna bulldoze it right through the San Mateo Creek watershed, which has 11 federally recognized endangered species. They want to run it up to San Onofre State Park and the Donna O'Neill Land Conservancy, and they want to wipe out the last piece of pristine coast in southern California. Which by the way would wipe out Trestles, surfing buddies of mine say it's the best break in So Cal. Do I look like a surfer? But I joined the Surfriders association because those are the guys who are fighting the hardest against this thing, because it’s local and they give a shit. [audience member “Yeah!”] Yeah! The last attorney general threatened to sue the TCA if went ahead with the 241 extension. If you give a damn, when you go home tonight, send an e-mail mean bean Jerrod Brown, our new attorney general, and tell him the exact same thing, that’s all you have to do, to start. Does that make sense? Look, I’m not asking you to be Gandhi. I’m just asking you to stop, and recognize what matters to you and make a seeing effort to actually change your world and other people who do vote on American Idol. All I want is this: WAKE UP AND GIVE A SHIT! Open your eyes and pay attention, don’t just swallow the spin, everyone’s fucking spinning, governments, gangsters, fortune 500s, the guy next door, do not swallow what they’re shoving down your throat. WAKE UP AND GIVE A SHIT! And for God’s sake please, do not blindly follow the line of bullshit I am giving you right now, I do not want you to buy what I am selling! What do I want? I want you to… [audience “Wake up and give a shit!”] Nice. Do your own thinking; find out where you stand on things that matter to you. I had this really nice thing I was gonna say about how mad I was that you all showed up and all that shit, but let’s skip the bullshit. The future is ours to change, we better fuckin’ get on it. It’s time to move.

I’m puzzled.

And still happy to be a none-American.

Friday, April 20, 2007

Money makes the world go round

An interesting article about the true nature of today’s music industry copy-pasted from here :

April 19, 2007

"Thank God For Trent Reznor"

When Larry LeBlanc of Billboard sent us a letter written by Canadian music megaproducer Bob Ezrin, we were intrigued. With the possible exception of new superpower Steve Jobs, the music industry has been circling the drain in recent years, temporarily jamming the flow with the barely-explored careers of too many worthy artists. Bob Ezrin has been there and seen it all, and he's got something to say about it.

Behind the console since the 1970s, Ezrin is a first-hand witness to the wild days of sex-drugs-rock-n'-roll through to the era of digital downloading. A graduate of Toronto's Oakwood Collegiate, Bob Ezrin first achieved fame producing classic albums from Kiss, Alice Cooper, Peter Gabriel, and Pink Floyd (Ezrin is best-known for Pink Floyd's magnum opus The Wall). He has been inducted into the Canadian Music Hall of Fame (2004), is a member of the CARAS Music Education program, and co-founded Music Rising—an initiative that is replacing musical instruments lost in Hurricane Katrina.

Ezrin also produced the 2004 Jay-Z documentary Fade To Black and these days, he's helmed albums by 30 Seconds to Mars, The Darkness, Deftones, and Nine Inch Nails.

It is here where we catch up with Ezrin, who has penned a letter damning the lack of art and lust for commerce in today's corporate music industry. The letter praises NIN's Trent Reznor as the master of his own acclaim; a success nurtured seemingly in spite of the record labels. Ezrin remembers a time when the music business was built by "passionate amateurs who revered the artists, and who became their protectors, advocates and promoters.

"But now," spits Ezrin, "the biggest part of the business is run by cold-hearted professionals whose reverence is for the bottom line, first and last." (We can almost feel the planet's orbit shift with simultaneous nodding by artists everywhere.)

Read on for more analysis and the full text of Bob Ezrin's letter.

Like other "affiliate" labels, the Canadian mainstream music companies have also been plagued by a series of mergers and staff cutbacks over the last few years. Sony BMG's February restructuring saw the ouster of president Lisa Zbitnew and a stable of key staff, and the company had already experienced the elimination of most of the Sony staff post-merger despite calling it an "equal represention" union. The Toronto-based affiliate also pruned-off domestic artists like Shawn Desman, Liam Titcomb and Jeremy Fisher (Fisher is now enjoying unexpected success thanks to being featured on YouTube's front page, and Titcomb—son of musician Brent Titcomb—just finished recording a new album independently).

Just days earlier, EMI Music Canada also cut staff and liquidated half its roster in what some claim was anticipatory of a merger with the Warner Music Group (Warner has already made four failed bids for EMI). EMI is home to acts like Nickelback, Broken Social Scene, k-os and Feist.

Probably one of the most brilliant books on how it feels to be swept-up in the contemporary music business is Jen Trynin's Everything I've Cracked Up To Be. Trynin describes being caught in a label bidding war, trying to avoid the Lilith Fair circuit, being juggled as a commodity, and being ruthlessly slashed from her label as quickly as she was courted, leaving her disenchanted and confused.

This is what the industry has become, and Ezrin doesn't feel it can sustain itself as such. He calls for true artists to develop a determined, single-minded approach that doesn't conform "at the expense of intuition." He has lived through—and created much of—the Golden Age of rock music, yet remains cautiously optimistic that we can summon a new Golden Age of music, where artists are in control of their voices and value is placed on creativity.

Until then, we are reminded of the lyrics of "My Record Company," by K's Choice:

They like your band / They shake your hand
They smell like food that has gone bad
Today it's you / Today will pass
I'm so sick of all this trash

The full text of Bob Ezrin's letter follows:

Trent Reznor is a true visionary. He has broken and reinvented the rules of engagement on every level, from recording to touring to interacting with his fans.

He's an intensely determined person—aware and on top of everything that happens in his name, from his music to his marketing. Trent controls all things Trent. Yes, he's had help along the way, but he's the captain of the Trent ship and his career is a product of his imagination and drive. He is not manufactured, homogenized, manipulated or packaged. He is Trent—and the rest of the folks get to react.

There's a clue in here to how to run one's life as an aspiring artist. I can't tell you how many times I've been in situations where aspiring artists (as you know, I hate the designation but will grant it to a few sublimely talented folks like Trent) have created something and have had a vision that has not resonated with their "handlers" from management to producers, to the record company to even sometimes their lawyer—and have succumbed to the pressure to conform to the taste and judgment of these people at the expense of their own intuition—and have failed either immedately or ultimately because, in the end, they simply weren't distinguished enough to connect to a large group of people in a lasting way. They may have produced a "hit song" but they typically did not create a career.

If Trent had done what everyone wanted him to, he would not have become a better selling act or bigger star as some of his advisors may have secretly thought. Instead, he would have disappeared long ago.

No one knows the heart or genius of true artists but the artists themselves. No one can predict them or imitate them or even steer them towards success. They are, by definition, single-minded people who cannot—and must not—see things the way the rest of us do. Once upon a time, we had a business built by passionate amateurs who revered the artists and who became their protectors, advocates and promoters. These folks didn't presume to tell their artists what to do. Oh, every once in a while, they might beg and plead for more or different to help them to do their job, but they never imposed their creative will on the people they most admired in all the world.

And so we had a landscape of determined individualists who made very individual music—lots of it. We all know who they were—and some still are. But now the biggest part of the business is run by cold-hearted professionals whose reverence is for the bottom line first and last—and who think nothing of imposing their ideas and will on the people they sign. And most of those signings are not because they are enthralled by genius or art but because they smell "a hit" or know that someone else does and that they'd better get in there first.

Now, when I say stuff like this, all the record company people get pissed off at me and say I'm an asshole and that they are there because of their love for music, etc. And I don't doubt that this is what propelled them at the start (though I suspect the notion of getting rich and hanging with rockstars may have had a bit to do with it too), but how many of the new leaders of our industry are able to resist the pressures of making their numbers in favor of supporting their artists? In fact, isn't their primary job to "increase shareholder value"? So, they really can't resist those pressures honestly and still be doing what they're being paid to do. The problem with this is that it takes more than a [business financial] quarter to build something of value and real art cannot be scheduled or projected—only commodities can. But if we're just a commodities business, then by definition we cannot build anything of real value—for the shareholders or the world.

So, what's the biggest lesson here? It is that, if we can all agree to do as Ahmet [Ertegün, co-founder of Atlantic Records] recommended and surround ourselves with brilliant people and help those people to develop their craft, their own voice, and become artists making things of real value, we might see our way into the next golden age of popular music.

Thank God for Trent—and for all the others like him who will not compromise and will fight to realize their vision. In the end, they might save us all.

Bob

Happy to be a none-American

From theninhotline.net :

April 14th 2007
One of the newly-discovered websites, Open Source Resistance, advertised a meeting in LA for last night with explicit instructions on clothing to be worn and procedure to be followed. For the fans who showed up, they were surprised with an AIR kit which included buttons, posters, stencils, and in some cases, cell phones.

April 18th 2007
Secret NIN show in LA raided by police

Remember how last week a bunch of people in LA got AIR kits with cell phones from some dudes in a van somewhere? Well, these lucky fans got calls on their phones telling them to show up at a certain location last night, and what began as an AIR meeting led to a secret Nine Inch Nails performance that was prematurely ended by the local SWAT team. You can watch video of the meeting on Open Source Resistance.

“you have set something in motion
much greater than you've ever known

My Violent Heart, Year Zero


The Alternate Reality Game got rough. It is a game no more. And it is no longer about music. The meaning of art consists in targeting the individual i.e. it affects individually i.e. it results in altering a single mind/soul.

When it results in uniting individuals into a community on the ground of an idea it is no longer art.
When that idea is backed by the government that is propaganda.
When it is not – then it is treason.

I have never ever ever EVER thought that NIN and politics would cross paths but now that it is a reality I feel
shocked
amazed
happy
frightened
confused

and very proud to be a NIN fan.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

It's hard to be a gold-digger

There’s a member of the Spiral that I feel strangely attached to. Well, nothing strange here; I find a lot of me in her Spiral blog postings. I strongly disagree with the “opposites attraction” theory-if it was to be true then I would’ve been drawn to 99% of the human population. It is that 1% left that I’m on a quest to find and when that happens I feel like a gold-digger striking a reef.
She has been at the April 8th NIN show in Stockholm, Sweden. On April 15th she updated her blog and the coincidence is so bizarre that I just have to copy-paste it here:

"
Where am I heading?

I don’t know.

The show in Stockholm was mind bending. I want to feel that way again and again.

The days after the show I was walking up and down the streets of Stockholm, feeling kind of empty but I tried to put my focus on taking in the energy, the smell of spring. I love that city, especially now when the light is on it’s way back.

When I walked in the streets I saw a man selling the magazine “Situation Stockholm”, it’s a magazine that the homeless people sell and get half of what they’re selling. Anyhow, I bought a magazine, I had my mp3 and the man selling the magazine asked what I was listening to, I told him that it was the “Four seasons” of Vivaldi. He got really excited, asked which season I liked the most, and then we started to talk about music. How music always can put us in any kind of mood. He told me to listen to Tchaikovsky, the first piano concert in b-moll. He told me to sit down, take a deep breath and just relax, take in the beauty, the genius behind it. Tchaikovsky was a sad and lonely figure, but often life seems to make the most beauty out of the depressed people that are walking among us. I smiled and said thank you, and that I would follow his advice. And then he grabbed me gently by the hand and said:
“And you have to remember dear, tomorrow is another day – a new day.” And then he kissed my hand wished me all the best and said farewell. I didn’t know what to say, he being a homeless, without a home, without everything could still feel the joy for the small but important things in life. And I have everything, all secure and I’m still not satisfied? Talk about being spoiled…
"

And, Milla, you have “gold” written all over you - no doubt about it!

lmao

I saw that pretty horrible I must admit picture yesterday in the Spiral forums with a comment by one of the Spiralers that was so hilarious that it made me laugh intensely through the rest of the day. I read it again now and can’t help giggling :)))))


Josh looks uncomfortable, like he's being propped up.

Jeordie looks like he should be in a death metal band photograph.
Think...."I am the doom lord. I kill babies and fuck poultry."

Alessandro looks like he should be in a Green Peace ad.

Trent's stance looks like you could throw a wig and lipstick on him, and he would suddenly be saying, "Hey girlfriend, those shoes are fierce."

Aaron: "I like cheese and am very constipated."


Monday, April 16, 2007

Random

To some I might seem an example of a coldhearted selfish bitch. But what looks on the surface as an indifference is a sign for pain underneath. I’m indifferent when I have been hurt. My denial is a primal reaction and my isolation is nothing but a self defense.

Thoughts stumble into my mind like caged animals. I feel hunger for life that goes unsatisfied and drives me insane.

Everything has gone to hell; everything. You’d think I’d know better by now, well at least I’ve thought /hoped but I’ve been wrong. I’m doing the same mistakes I’ve done in the past with the one difference they’re inexcusable now; I have a pathetically low level of self esteem though I have much more reasons to be proud of myself now; I feel insecure to the extend of panic. The most terrifying to me of everything is that there is no one I could talk to freely and openly about it. I’m not even “crawling on the ground”; it feels like being imprisoned for life in a dungeon with no hope to see sunlight again.

People are strange creatures. Sometimes they make me laugh, most of the time they scare me. I simply don’t get them and for that reason probably I don’t feel as one with them. People. I live because of them and they are the ones I’m most disappointed of. People seem so shallow. Worse; I can’t console myself it is a product of my imagination; I am convinced they are shallow. I listen to them talking: about clothes, bags, shoes, make up, perfumes, men and how nasty men are (women) and cars, watches, gadgets, clothes, getting drunk, women and how nasty women are (men). Isn’t there anything else you could possibly care to talk about you mindless idiots? Is that what life is all about? Why bother to breathe at all then? If they have any dreams at all they’re about having more money to buy more stuff, more and more and MORE until they would bury themselves underneath. Why bother rescue them if that is all they want? “You have a voice-use it”. What difference would your (mine) voice no matter how loud it was make if you’re surrounded by deaf? You have a voice…yeah, right.

But then again who am I to judge people? No one. That is why my accusations are not spoken but written. Who am I to tell what should people do with their time on Earth? Certainly not me-the one that’s most fucked up of all I know.

I wrote that yesterday while sitting in Coffee Heaven taking sips of my Macchiato watching outside the window. I was thinking: “Why such bitterness on such a lovely day? The sun is shining brightly (too brightly perhaps), the city is dressed up in fresh green but that carefree view works as an insult to my restless mind. I need storms, cloudy skies and winds to cover up for my frowning face and if someone asks what’s with my mood to say: The shitty weather ruined it!”.

Later I caught my reflection in a shop window and thought: “Are you mad?! Look at you-you’re young (relatively), you’re pretty (more or less), you’re smart (occasionally); what the fuck is your problem?”
Yeah, I’d like to know too.

Sunday, April 15, 2007

New Spiral rule

Piracy of Nine Inch Nails material - March 21st 2007
" Any and all leaked material off of "Year Zero" or any other material by Nine Inch Nails (NIN) that is posted (in the Spiral forums or in chat) without approval or permission from NIN is strictly forbidden. All posts containing links that fall under this category will be removed, as well as threats to post unofficial leaks and/or discussion of where to find pirated material. Proper action will be taken again the post author, which can include official warnings, temporary or permanent ban in addition to possible legal consequences. Leaking material this way is illegal and there will be consequences. Although it may be accepted on other forums, this behaviour will not be tolerated on the Spiral.

In regards to Year Zero tracks being leaked as part of the Year Zero Alternative Reality Game, feel free to post these as they are distributed. However, keep in mind that they will be monitored. If there is any suspicion as to their approval for release by NIN, the legitimacy of the leak will be confirmed by official sources. If the leak is not legit, the post will be removed, and the author of the post containing the leak will be contacted, questioned as to how they obtained the leak and proper disciplinary action will be taken.

The Spiral does not advocate piracy, period. "

I have no comment.

Friday, April 13, 2007

Friday 13th 2007



EDIT: Please give us an update!

Thursday, April 12, 2007

More words

Whenever I see/hear/read/encounter something beautiful I can’t fight the temptation to share it with as much people as possible. To me a brilliant human mind possesses an extraordinary beauty under whose charm I fall captive without resistance and with great joy.

An extract from “The picture of Dorian Gray”, Chapter VI. I took the liberty to cut off the colouring and to leave the raw idea. The whole piece in its full splendour can be found here.

“Pleasure is the only thing worth having a theory about, but I am afraid I cannot claim my theory as my own. It belongs to Nature, not to me. Pleasure is Nature’s test, her sign of approval. When we are happy we are always good, but when we are good we are not always happy.”

“Ah! but what do you mean by good?”

“To be good is to be in harmony with one’s self; discord is to be forced to be in harmony with others. One’s own life--that is the important thing. As for the lives of one’s neighbors, if one wishes to be a prig or a Puritan, one can flaunt one’s moral views about them, but they are not one’s concern. Besides, Individualism has really the higher aim. Modern morality consists in accepting the standard of one’s age. I consider that for any man of culture to accept the standard of his age is a form of the grossest immorality.”

“But, surely, if one lives merely for one’s self, one pays a terrible price for doing so?”

“Yes, we are overcharged for everything nowadays. I should fancy that the real tragedy of the poor is that they can afford nothing but self-denial. Beautiful sins, like beautiful things, are the privilege of the rich.”

“One has to pay in other ways but money.”

“What sort of ways?”

“Oh! I should fancy in remorse, in suffering, in... well, in the consciousness of degradation.”

“My dear fellow, mediæval art is charming, but mediæval emotions are out of date. One can use them in fiction, of course. But then the only things that one can use in fiction are the things that one has ceased to use in fact. Believe me, no civilized man ever regrets a pleasure, and no uncivilized man ever knows what a pleasure is.”

“I know what pleasure is. It is to adore some one.”

“That is certainly better than being adored. Being adored is a nuisance. Women treat us just as Humanity treats its gods. They worship us, and are always bothering us to do something for them.”

“Harry, you are dreadful! I don’t know why I like you so much.”

“You will always like me, Dorian,” he replied. “Will you have some coffee, you fellows? Waiter, bring coffee, and fine-champagne, and some cigarettes. No; don’t mind the cigarettes; I have some. Basil, I can’t allow you to smoke cigars. You must have a cigarette. A cigarette is the perfect type of a perfect pleasure. It is exquisite, and it leaves one unsatisfied. What more can one want? Yes, Dorian, you will always be fond of me. I represent to you all the sins you have never had the courage to commit.”

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

nin.com front page for April 11th 2007





Bye boys; I hope I'll see you again soon.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Today is April 10th 2007

Tonight the European tour ends.

YZ and rip offs

Some fans are quite extreme when they talk about that. Some say downloading the YZ torrent is almost a betrayal and a true NIN fan should not do it no matter how eager one is.

But I disagree that listening to the torrent from Isohunt(I listen to it for the one reason it is quite a good quality rip off) or the stream YZ player on the Spiral(very good quality as well) ruins the experience. I have already preordered the CD and it will arrive (hopefully) within a month. I am aware the CD quality will be even better than what I listen to now. But I intend to listen to the surrogate until I get the real thing. Why? Because it will give enough time to the new album to creep into my mind and plant its seeds there. And when I finally listen to the CD a whole new universe of sounds will be revealed to me and the album will be familiar and new at the same time. I’ll be amazed once again. What could be better than that?!

Monday, April 09, 2007

March 30th - the show

Written in my diary on March 31st 2007 :

March 30th, Gasometer, Vienna-my last NIN show. To some it may seem I’m making too much of a big deal out of it but that is not my problem.

I never thought such happiness existed. And it hurts like hell now that it is taken from me.

“If I take it all back
someway somehow
If I knew back then
what I know right now”

Set list for March 30th :

Mr. Self Destruct
Piggy
Heresy
March Of The Pigs
Closer
The Becoming
Reptile
Help Me I’m In Hell/ERASER
Gave Up
Last
Wish
La Mer – divine
Into The Void
No You Don’t
Down In It – destroying
Get Down Make Love – oh !
Hurt
The Hand That Feeds
Head Like A Hole

At about 9 AM that day as I was in my hotel room I realized tonight everything was to end. I cried about a half an hour-I couldn’t stop. Some people cry a lot. I happen to be one of them; I’m just careful to do it when there’s no one around. Crying is not a matter of choice; it just happens.

The last few seconds of “Head Like A Hole”.
TR said “Thank you” and left the stage.
The concert ended. And I literary fell into pieces and my world vanished.
I cried-uncontrollably. I was standing behind the rail still holding it still facing the stage. I didn’t wanted to turn around because I didn’t wanted the people I was with to see my tears(but they all saw it). The crew got on stage and started to throw guitar picks at the audience. People behind me were pushing and crawling on the floor looking for picks. I was still on the rail, still crying and trying to control my breathing. I looked down and there it was-a tiny green guitar pick lying in my feet. I was just staring at it in disbelief-I was regardless of everything around. Come on, girl, pick it up before someone else does! I have a NI
И guitar pick-my little green plastic treasure.

When Spiralers were finally let in at about 6.30 PM as I was passing by Brandy I turned to her and said: “Tonight is my last show and I just have to tell you I’m really going to miss seeing you”. She said “Thank you” and gave me a hug! I really miss her! And I miss all the other people I started to care about :

The band
Barbara and Kurt
Ana from Romania
Bojo, Pips and Sandra from Slovenia
Reznik from Spain

I even miss those two quite drunken boys from Switzerland I “talked” to outside Gasometer after the show. It was an insane conversation but at that time it didn’t seem weird. After the show we all were friends.

I got back at my hotel at 11.30 PM, set the alarm clock, washed my face and teeth and at about midnight I was already in bed but couldn’t(wouldn’t?) fall asleep. I was awake up until 2 AM.

Concert reviews are such a bore! You can not know the taste of chocolate by description-you have to try it to know.

I am so lucky, I know it. I’ll appreciate it later. Right now I need to cry my eyes off.
My head is so messed up.

“This isn’t meant to last
This is for right now”

I know that. It’s just that knowing it doesn’t ease the pain.

God, I need to see more concerts. I’ve never imagined it would feel so unbelievably amazing! How could I?!

On that last show I cheated. I can’t believe I did it but necessity dictated my moral treason. My ticket for March 30th was the first one I’d bought for this tour and (I can’t explain why) it was a seated ticket for the balcony. As I was waiting in the Spiral line with Kurt and Barbara I said “Fuck! I’m not going to be next to you on the rail! I have to go to the balcony!” and they said “Try to sneak out. We’ll save a spot for you”. And I did. I passed the security check at the main entrance, passed the wardrobe(jacket stays on; you can’t afford to lose valuable time and miss the good spots on the rail), proceeded through the right corridor(just like the night before) and just before entering the hall another security guy stopped me with a smile and a question: “Tickets?”. I just waved my Spiral ticket in front of his face without handling it to him and smiled back praying silently. He recognized the special ticket and let me in. Thank you, God! I’m in! I rushed to Kurt and Barbara who were already at the usual place-on the rail in front of Aaron. A few minutes later they disappeared and I left my jacket on the rail to save their places. Kurt returned in a short while and said: “On the other side where Jeordie stands there’s a place that’s even closer to the center. Come with us”. And I did. And I was given a lesson in good will and kindness. Those two lovely people let me stand in the better spot. They let me stay closer to the center since it was my last show. Beautiful souls. The only way to return the favor was to protect Barbara who was right next to me. And I did my best. The pressure coming from the center was enormous. I think I left my fingerprints on that rail.

The way the band appears on stage-one second it’s empty and the next second they are all over it sweeping you over with a wave of concentrated energy so powerful that your head is about to explode with adrenaline. Beautiful feeling! You can not get used to it-it works every time; it’s addictive-makes you beg for more.

That last show…I can not put it in words as if they could desecrate the very special way I felt that night.

March 30th 2007 – day 10

Written in my diary on March 30th 2007 :

6.30 AM
Last night something was not OK.
He mistaken the “Last” lyrics singing twice

“look through these blackened eyes
you'll see ten thousand lies
my lips may promise but my heart is a whore

I wonder if anyone else have noticed or they have been too busy screaming. Yes, I screamed myself(it gives the illusion you participate that way) but most of the time I preferred to lipsing so that I could hear the voice. I looked at him and he didn’t seem to be OK. What was wrong? Tired? A few shows in a row in different cities must be very exhausting.

No Meet & Greet, no sound check.

What was wrong with him yesterday?! At a point I almost felt guilty for him being up on the stage to entertain us. I know how ridiculous that sounds.
I hope he’ll have a good rest today for tonight is my last show to see.

Last show.

I spotted signs that they were just doing their job. I sensed routine. You’d think they are enjoying themselves but I look at their faces and I see their bodies are present but their minds are somewhere else. And that is OK. It’s normal; they are only humans. Extraordinary but still humans. It is one of the reasons to see more than one concert-to catch them in different moods. Every show is different and every time I see something I haven’t noticed before.

Interesting, realizing they are just people makes me appreciate them more. I do look at them as my friends. Fuck, I hate losing friends.

I watched him very carefully during HURT. He sings that song on every concert. How does he do it?! To perform such a personal song thousands of times…He was looking at the crowd occasionally during that song but was he seeing them?

Set list :

Somewhat Damaged
Sin
Burn
Dead Souls
The Big Come Down
Gave Up
Last
Wish
Suck
The March Of The Pigs
Ruiner
Only
Hurt
The Hand That Feeds
Head Like A Hole
Help Me I’m In Hell/ERASER
The Day The World Went Away
Closer
Something I Can Never Have – thank you a million times!

March 29th 2007 – day 9

Written in my diary on March 29th 2007 :

March 29th at last!

God, I’m so sleepy! Last night I was so nervous and my eyes just wouldn’t close and give my weary mind that so much needed rest. And this morning I woke up at an indecently early hour-6 AM is just not fare! All my yesterday’s plans went to the trash anyway and instead of enjoying a long lazy morning there’s a lot of rush for me to handle. It’s going to be quite an intense day. And it is going to be anything but lonely. I have troubles recalling which day of the week it is today. Not that it is of any importance as long as I know the date.

Waiting is not that bad-it teaches patience and persistence. But at about 6 PM tonight that thought will bring me no comfort.

March 28th 2007 – day 8

Written in my diary on March 28th 2007 :

I have to get a grip on myself and find some courage to get out of this hotel and walk…the 300 m to Gasometer. I never thought Etap hotel would be THAT close to the venue. I need to find an Internet club. There’s Internet access in the hotel BUT it is a single working place with no seet, 50 euro cents for 3 minutes(!?; what can I possibly do within 3 minutes?!) and the monitor is positioned so high that I have to keep my head up all tha time hich is terribly uncomfortable and a sign pops out every 30 seconds telling me how much time I have left. Fuckers!

2.30 PM
That’s it. I don’t fucking care about Vienna’s beautiful sights and buildings. I can’t wait for tomorrow to come at last. Tomorrow I’m planning to stay in bed as long as my nerves allow, I’ll have a late breakfast, take a really looong shower, meet Pips13 and Sandra to get my March 29th ticket and I’ll go to wait in the Spiral line. I expect nothing and wait for nothing. Tomorrow I just want to see, correction to feel the show and then go back to my hotel.

I forgot I’m meeting Ana from Romania tomorrow !!! And I’m seeing Dee Dee !!!
I need to see people-I’m lonely, tired and pissed off.

Yeeeaaah! I’ll see Kurt and Barbara tomorrow!

Now that my ultimate dream to see NIN live has come true I’ve come up with another one-to see more.

5.30 PM
Time just wouldn’t go faster. Dee Dee is in Munich tonight. Fuck, there’ll be a show I’m not seeing!

It’s going to be a looong evening. I haven’t heard the name “Nine Inch Nails” from anyone’s mouth for 2 whole days and I’m starting to miss that. At least I found an Internet club in Vienna but it wasn’t as easy as I’ve thought. It’s pretty expensive-in Berlin I paid 1.40 euro for an hour and here in Vienna I had to pay 4.40 euro for the same thing. And I had troubles finding a good cappuccino-Starbucks were the only one offering a decent quantity. To be in Vienna and drink coffee at Starbucks is absurd but I had no choice.

March 27th 2007 – day 7

Written in my diary on March 27th 2007 :

9 AM
I just received an email from the Bureau of Morality regarding Year 0000 search with a subject “You have been identified as an un-american”. Thanks guys that really made my day! That terribly expensive cell phone pays off even if it was for that message only. Here it is :

From: Bureau of Morality - Year 0000 Search
[mailto:DCS1000@thepriceoftreason.net]
Sent: Tuesday, March 27, 2007 9:05 AM
To: vera@wuerth.bg
Subject: YOU HAVE BEEN IDENTIFIED AS UN-AMERICAN

http://www.iamtryingtobelieve.com>
http://www.anotherversionofthetruth.com>
http://www.artisresistance.com>
http://www.solutionsbackwardsinitiative.net/pilgrims>
||||| date-time failure |||||

vera@wuerth.bg>

--------------------

ATTENTION!

The Bureau of Morality has identified you as A CONSUMER OF DISSIDENT
MATERIAL.

This is a one time warning. Any further attempts to view, consume, or
distribute un-american content will result in the loss of citizenship
increments and/or the imposition of fines, penalties, or imprisonment.

You have choices. Make the RIGHT ones.

For further information on making good choices, visit
http://www.thepriceoftreason.net

--------------------

Bureau of Morality
One Nation Under God

I can’t seem to keep my mouth closed-I have that silly smile on my face because of the March 25th concert. I need to leave all reason to rest and just to enjoy my foolishness now.

2 more shows…just 2 more. And then what? WHAT ???

In Berlin I bought “The picture of Dorian Gray” by Oscar Wilde; my first English language book. I’m surprised it’s that impossible for me to read; it’s hard but very educating and rewarding. Ando very enjoyable. Here’s what I found: “Those who are faithful know only the trivial side of love; it is the faithless who know love’s tragedies”.

I can’t shake it out of my head-the look in those eyes. I remember the first time I saw a picture of Trent Reznor. It was 2 years after I’d become a fan. And I knew nothing about that band-there was nothing on the radio nor the TV, nothing in the music magazines (by that time in Bulgaria there was just one and it was a newspaper), no Internet access (I don’t remember if there was Internet at that time at all) and no friends to ask. I had no idea who was standing behind that music, what their names were and how did they look like. I had no idea it was one person and the name TR meant nothing. All I had was a plastic box with a tape on it containing “Pretty Hate Machine”. And then in 1992 “Wish” won a Grammy; there was an article in the one music newspaper and the first TR picture for me to see. The first thing on my mind was: ”The look in those eyes perfectly fits the profile”. The look in those eyes hasn’t changed-it is still sharp, uncompromising, cutting you in half like a laser.

2.30 PM
I am imprisoned on that train for 6 hours now and there are 4 hours more to go; at least 1 hour to get to my hotel-damn, I need Internet! What if there isn’t any in the hotel?! Being connected right now means just about everything.

Oh, my, a new country, a new city again! It is so stressful-I just learn my way in a city and I have to move again! Being on tour probably sucks the life out of you. I don’t know; maybe it is different if you travel surrounded by friends.

I feel extremely sad-I need a hug; and Internet.

9 PM
What a horrid day that turned out to be! I thought I hated Berlin; now I know I just merely disliked it comparing to how I feel about Vienna right now. I thought Berlin was unorganized but the chaos in Vienna is unspeakable.

Right now I hate Vienna and there’s a reason for that: The train Berlin-Vienna I was on was a direct train i.e. I didn’t have to make connections but the journey was long because the train passed through the Check republic on its way from Germany to Austria. On the German-Check republic border there were no problems but it wasn’t as easy on the Check republic-Austrian border. I was alone in the compartment. A guy in an uniform came to see my passport, looked at every single page in it, checked my name in his machine to see if I didn’t have a record, looked at my passport again, then said: “Wait” and vanished with my passport for about 5 minutes that seemed much longer to me. At some point I thought: “Who was that man? What if he doesn’t come back? What am I going to do without my passport?!”. Then he returned handling me a little note book and asked me to give him a sample of my signature to compare it with the one in the passport. Then he gave me back the passport and left. 10 minutes later a policeman came (with a gun on his chest; weapons make me really nervous) and asked for my passport. What? Again?! And with a slow wicked tone he started asking me questions-where was I going to, where did I come from, why was I going to Vienna, for how long, did I have a place to stay, how was I going to leave Vienna etc and the whole time he was looking at me if I was a criminal coming to abuse his beautiful neat country! I burst into tears after he finally left. No wonder I hated Vienna instantly! But Vienna people did their best to wipe out that dreadful impression. They turned out to be very kind and helpful. Never the less I collected too much stress today.

Sunday, April 08, 2007

March 26th 2007 – day 6

Written in my diary on March 26th 2007 :
OK, last night’s show..
Something happened…something beautiful.
Funny, before my first NIN concert I was freaking out: “What am I going to wear? I must look cool!” etc etc etc. Yesterday I just grabbed a T-shirt, took a quick look in the mirror to see if something hasn’t stuck in my hair and left the room.
Brandy…Brandy is a sunshine! I know she’s like that with everyone but the smile she gave me while giving me the ticket saying: “Have fun!” really brightened my dark skies. And oh so dark they were! After Saturday’s disaster yesterday I was walking to Columbiahalle with heavy heart and heavy thoughts as if I was going to meet my doom. I was thinking: “Last night I survived but maybe tonight I’ll not be that lucky”.
There was no Meet & Greet. Again. I don’t know why I want to be present at M & G. What am I going to say anyway? What do you say if you’re given the chance of just one sentence? I guess all I want/need to say is “Thank you”.
Luckily the lights were not very bright through most of “Something I can never have” because I cried. Yes, again. I don’t understand that. What is that magic that song has? I’ve heard it thousands of times and yet every time it feels like that first time 17 years ago when I first heard it in some music store. And it flipped my world and nothing was the same ever since. Last night it happened again. I closed my eyes and just listened to the voice and tears rolled down against my will. Magic.
Set list :
Mr. Self Destruct
Sin
Terrible Lie
Last
Gave Up
Wish
March Of The Pigs
Help me I’m In Hell/ERASER – fantastic as always
Closer
Somewhat Damaged
No You Don’t
The Frail/The Wretched
Into The void
La mer
You Know What You Are
Only
The Hand That Feeds
Head Like A Hole
And of course SOMETHING I CAN NEVER HAVE
The atmosphere was special-there was something in the air. The band seem to enjoy themselves. And I screamed my lungs out. I can barely talk today but what the hell.
Thank you for that show.
The concert is long over but the magic remains still.
I got my wish-I did meet interesting people while waiting in the Spiral queue! But that is not correct at all-I got much more than I’ve wished for-I met two beautiful and lovely people, the loveliest of all – Kurt and Barbara from Texas, USA.
Like I said, On March 25th at around 3 PM I was walking to Columbiahalle feeling desperate and miserable as possible. I had no hopes, no expectations. All the Spiralers were already there. I went to the end of the line, sat on the ground and spent the next 3 hours without moving at all holding my knees with my hands trying to get warm.
Here’s the proof. Someone took a picture of the Spiral line and there’s me up front:

I look miserable because that was how I felt.
And the
n a couple came in the line. I heard them speak; I recognized the USA accent. I looked at them-the guy seemed familiar. We spoke-he happened to remember me from Amsterdam. I told them about the bad experience from last night and they gave me a good advice where the safest spot was-by the rail a little to the right/left of the centre. As we were passing security he told me: “Choose a good spot today” and I answered “I will. I prefer to enjoy the concert; not to fight for my life”. I left my jacket at the wardrobe and rushed to the rail-a little bit on the right as they had told me; I looked around and there they were-right next to me! Lovely people; I can’t thank them enough for their kindness! Luckily I’ll see them again in Vienna!

7 PM
My smile is gone now blown away by the ruthless Berlin wind. The realization of loss… Is it going to happen again? The magic…will it be repeated again?
God, how sad I am now.
The hostel is full of noisy French students. They are annoying and vulgar. Maybe I’m unjust. Right now everything annoys me.
Tomorrow I go to Vienna.

March 25th 2007 – day 5

Written in my diary in March 25th 2007 :

I have one question-why did he try to kill us?
The set was SO intense throughout almost the entire concert; there wasn’t a single break. I don’t understand-it is seen from the stage what goes on in the crowd. He must have noticed the violence and the pushing and all the people pulled out by the security guards…why didn’t he make any remarks about it? Something silly like “Protect yourself” would’ve been just OK. But he did nothing.
About the set list-I know set lists are made in advance so changes haven’t been possible probably no matter what’s the crowd’s behavior. Still some consideration would have highly appreciated.
All and all it is for the best. I’ll shake off my back some illusions, the process has begun already. So many concerts in such a short time…We’ll see.
My god, the crowd was so impolite! I still don’t get it-why did they have to be so violent?! After Paradiso I was feeling lucky to still have my clothes on; After Marh 24th’s Columbiahalle I am feeling lucky to be still alive. No wonder Christine got her arm broken in Koln a week ago.
I hate Berlin. I don’t feel save here. I can’t wait to get to Vienna.
So last night’s show was a sheer catastrophe for me. But I’m not sorry for been there, not at all. I would’ve been sorry not to be there but in my hostel instead’ I would’ve been sorry to know I’ve had the chance to have been at the show and missed it. Sorry to have been there-no; disappointed by the crowd-YES!
I managed to survive in the mosh pit until the half of the show. I was thinking “That’s it. I’ll be the next one pulled out by the security.”. I’ve never felt so close to dying. And I made my way through the crowd when I say a guy right behind me who looked like he was just about to throw up. I said to myself “Beer in Amsterdam-OK. This I won’t have on me!”. And I went at the end of the hall. And then WISH started. And I heard the lyricks the way I’ve never heard them before :
I built it up now i take it
apart climbed up real
high now fall down real far
no need for me to stay the last thing left i just threw it away
I put my faith in god and my trust in you
now there's nothing more fucked up i could do

wish there was something real wish there was something true
wish there was something real in this world full of you
That was because I was so pissed off TR for not doing anything to control the crowd. And I almost collapsed. That song will never be the same for me.
I left Columbiahalle before the end of the concert. I was finished.
Wish there was something real
The band had nothing to do with it. That day was a wrong chain of events-getting up at 5 AM, 6 hours on the train, rush from the train station to Columbiahalle to get my ticket from Christine, then rush to find my hostel and leave my bags, then rush back to Columbiahalle, then about 7 hours standing up with no food and water, my back was killing me, I was dead tired, and then I nearly died smashed by the crowd-it was too much for me.
Hostel is miserable. Flying Pig Palace was luxurious comparing to this place I am at now. The bathrooms are shared. Last night I came back from the concert in a terrible condition-all dirty and sweaty, my hair and clothes were all wet. This morning I waited until 9.30 AM to take a bath just to escape the bathroom rush and have a shower in peace. But some woman came and started shouting at me pointing to some note on the bathroom’s door. Apparently I can take a shower from 6 to 9 Am and from 6 to10 PM and not in between! WTF?!? Thank God for wet body wipes!
I thought I hated Amsterdam but I miss it now. There was freedom there, I felt quite OK to ask anyone in the streets for anything; here I feel reluctant to even ask for direction but that is not a matter of choice-I’m forced to do it. Tourist information is so poor, everything is so unclear.
I bought a train ticket to Vienna. Yes! In less than 48 hours I’m getting out of here!
I just can’t get it out of my mind-he tried to kill us.
I’m out of illusions. Which is good. At least I realized I’ve gotten mad at that man the same way I get mad at my friends when they fuck up. Everybody fucks up occasionally.

I’m so antisocial right now. I have such an indifferent look on my face that clearly states “Don’t even think of coming close”.
Why didn’t he try to control the crowd? He didn’t seem to be in a mood. Though he said something like “It’s good to be back in Berlin blah blah blah” but it didn’t sound sincere somehow.
The people at the show were scary.
I wonder what Vienna will be like.
There’s no friendly atmosphere here. Maybe it’s just me; I don’t know. Maybe it’s the horrible Berlin wind. It’s good to be a Spiraler-you get to see some familiar faces at least.
I wish I’ll find some nice people to talk to today in the Spiral line.