March 30th - the show

Written in my diary on March 31^st 2007 :

March 30^th, Gasometer, Vienna-my last NIN show. To some it may seem I’m making too much of a big deal out of it but that is not my problem.

I never thought such happiness existed. And it hurts like hell now that it is taken from me.

“If I take it all back
someway somehow
If I knew back then
what I know right now”

Set list for March 30^th :

Mr. Self Destruct
Piggy
Heresy
March Of The Pigs
Closer
The Becoming
Reptile
Help Me I’m In Hell/ERASER
Gave Up
Last
Wish
La Mer – divine
Into The Void
No You Don’t
Down In It – destroying
Get Down Make Love – oh !
Hurt
The Hand That Feeds
Head Like A Hole

At about 9 AM that day as I was in my hotel room I realized tonight everything was to end. I cried about a half an hour-I couldn’t stop. Some people cry a lot. I happen to be one of them; I’m just careful to do it when there’s no one around. Crying is not a matter of choice; it just happens.

The last few seconds of “Head Like A Hole”.
TR said “Thank you” and left the stage.
The concert ended. And I literary fell into pieces and my world vanished.
I cried-uncontrollably. I was standing behind the rail still holding it still facing the stage. I didn’t wanted to turn around because I didn’t wanted the people I was with to see my tears(but they all saw it). The crew got on stage and started to throw guitar picks at the audience. People behind me were pushing and crawling on the floor looking for picks. I was still on the rail, still crying and trying to control my breathing. I looked down and there it was-a tiny green guitar pick lying in my feet. I was just staring at it in disbelief-I was regardless of everything around. Come on, girl, pick it up before someone else does! I have a NIИ guitar pick-my little green plastic treasure.

When Spiralers were finally let in at about 6.30 PM as I was passing by Brandy I turned to her and said: “Tonight is my last show and I just have to tell you I’m really going to miss seeing you”. She said “Thank you” and gave me a hug! I really miss her! And I miss all the other people I started to care about :

The band
Barbara and Kurt
Ana from Romania
Bojo, Pips and Sandra from Slovenia
Reznik from Spain

I even miss those two quite drunken boys from Switzerland I “talked” to outside Gasometer after the show. It was an insane conversation but at that time it didn’t seem weird. After the show we all were friends.

I got back at my hotel at 11.30 PM, set the alarm clock, washed my face and teeth and at about midnight I was already in bed but couldn’t(wouldn’t?) fall asleep. I was awake up until 2 AM.

Concert reviews are such a bore! You can not know the taste of chocolate by description-you have to try it to know.

I am so lucky, I know it. I’ll appreciate it later. Right now I need to cry my eyes off.
My head is so messed up.

“This isn’t meant to last
This is for right now”

I know that. It’s just that knowing it doesn’t ease the pain.

God, I need to see more concerts. I’ve never imagined it would feel so unbelievably amazing! How could I?!

On that last show I cheated. I can’t believe I did it but necessity dictated my moral treason. My ticket for March 30^th was the first one I’d bought for this tour and (I can’t explain why) it was a seated ticket for the balcony. As I was waiting in the Spiral line with Kurt and Barbara I said “Fuck! I’m not going to be next to you on the rail! I have to go to the balcony!” and they said “Try to sneak out. We’ll save a spot for you”. And I did. I passed the security check at the main entrance, passed the wardrobe(jacket stays on; you can’t afford to lose valuable time and miss the good spots on the rail), proceeded through the right corridor(just like the night before) and just before entering the hall another security guy stopped me with a smile and a question: “Tickets?”. I just waved my Spiral ticket in front of his face without handling it to him and smiled back praying silently. He recognized the special ticket and let me in. Thank you, God! I’m in! I rushed to Kurt and Barbara who were already at the usual place-on the rail in front of Aaron. A few minutes later they disappeared and I left my jacket on the rail to save their places. Kurt returned in a short while and said: “On the other side where Jeordie stands there’s a place that’s even closer to the center. Come with us”. And I did. And I was given a lesson in good will and kindness. Those two lovely people let me stand in the better spot. They let me stay closer to the center since it was my last show. Beautiful souls. The only way to return the favor was to protect Barbara who was right next to me. And I did my best. The pressure coming from the center was enormous. I think I left my fingerprints on that rail.

The way the band appears on stage-one second it’s empty and the next second they are all over it sweeping you over with a wave of concentrated energy so powerful that your head is about to explode with adrenaline. Beautiful feeling! You can not get used to it-it works every time; it’s addictive-makes you beg for more.

That last show…I can not put it in words as if they could desecrate the very special way I felt that night.