March 25th 2007 – day 5

Written in my diary in March 25th 2007 :

I have one question-why did he try to kill us?

The set was SO intense throughout almost the entire concert; there wasn’t a single break. I don’t understand-it is seen from the stage what goes on in the crowd. He must have noticed the violence and the pushing and all the people pulled out by the security guards…why didn’t he make any remarks about it? Something silly like “Protect yourself” would’ve been just OK. But he did nothing.

About the set list-I know set lists are made in advance so changes haven’t been possible probably no matter what’s the crowd’s behavior. Still some consideration would have highly appreciated.

All and all it is for the best. I’ll shake off my back some illusions, the process has begun already. So many concerts in such a short time…We’ll see.

My god, the crowd was so impolite! I still don’t get it-why did they have to be so violent?! After Paradiso I was feeling lucky to still have my clothes on; After Marh 24^th’s Columbiahalle I am feeling lucky to be still alive. No wonder Christine got her arm broken in Koln a week ago.

I hate Berlin. I don’t feel save here. I can’t wait to get to Vienna.

So last night’s show was a sheer catastrophe for me. But I’m not sorry for been there, not at all. I would’ve been sorry not to be there but in my hostel instead’ I would’ve been sorry to know I’ve had the chance to have been at the show and missed it. Sorry to have been there-no; disappointed by the crowd-YES!

I managed to survive in the mosh pit until the half of the show. I was thinking “That’s it. I’ll be the next one pulled out by the security.”. I’ve never felt so close to dying. And I made my way through the crowd when I say a guy right behind me who looked like he was just about to throw up. I said to myself “Beer in Amsterdam-OK. This I won’t have on me!”. And I went at the end of the hall. And then WISH started. And I heard the lyricks the way I’ve never heard them before :

I built it up now i take it
apart climbed up real
high now fall down real far
no need for me to stay the last thing left i just threw it away
I put my faith in god and my trust in you
now there's nothing more fucked up i could do

wish there was something real wish there was something true
wish there was something real in this world full of you

That was because I was so pissed off TR for not doing anything to control the crowd. And I almost collapsed. That song will never be the same for me.

I left Columbiahalle before the end of the concert. I was finished.

Wish there was something real…

The band had nothing to do with it. That day was a wrong chain of events-getting up at 5 AM, 6 hours on the train, rush from the train station to Columbiahalle to get my ticket from Christine, then rush to find my hostel and leave my bags, then rush back to Columbiahalle, then about 7 hours standing up with no food and water, my back was killing me, I was dead tired, and then I nearly died smashed by the crowd-it was too much for me.

Hostel is miserable. Flying Pig Palace was luxurious comparing to this place I am at now. The bathrooms are shared. Last night I came back from the concert in a terrible condition-all dirty and sweaty, my hair and clothes were all wet. This morning I waited until 9.30 AM to take a bath just to escape the bathroom rush and have a shower in peace. But some woman came and started shouting at me pointing to some note on the bathroom’s door. Apparently I can take a shower from 6 to 9 Am and from 6 to10 PM and not in between! WTF?!? Thank God for wet body wipes!

I thought I hated Amsterdam but I miss it now. There was freedom there, I felt quite OK to ask anyone in the streets for anything; here I feel reluctant to even ask for direction but that is not a matter of choice-I’m forced to do it. Tourist information is so poor, everything is so unclear.

I bought a train ticket to Vienna. Yes! In less than 48 hours I’m getting out of here!

I just can’t get it out of my mind-he tried to kill us.

I’m out of illusions. Which is good. At least I realized I’ve gotten mad at that man the same way I get mad at my friends when they fuck up. Everybody fucks up occasionally.

I’m so antisocial right now. I have such an indifferent look on my face that clearly states “Don’t even think of coming close”.

Why didn’t he try to control the crowd? He didn’t seem to be in a mood. Though he said something like “It’s good to be back in Berlin blah blah blah” but it didn’t sound sincere somehow.

The people at the show were scary.

I wonder what Vienna will be like.

There’s no friendly atmosphere here. Maybe it’s just me; I don’t know. Maybe it’s the horrible Berlin wind. It’s good to be a Spiraler-you get to see some familiar faces at least.

I wish I’ll find some nice people to talk to today in the Spiral line.