Monday, November 19, 2007

Fears

As an average citizen of an average gig city I go to one place to another like most people do-by public transport. Lately it is giving me a frustration caused by a most peculiar reason. I go to and come back from work in rush hours so it is absolutely normal that I share space with lots of people; that is how it is supposed to be. But then someone standing right next to me reaches for his jacket’ inside pocket… and I think: OMG, he’s going to pull out a knife and butcher me! OR I see a policeman on the bus with a gun on his belt… and: what if he goes off the rails right now and kills us all? What is someone from the passengers grabs that gun and starts shooting? Or when I’m walking on the side walk: What if the driver on that car I hear coming from behind is a mad man and he runs me over?

About a few months ago I had to go to my parents. The most convenient way is by a mini-van. At one of the first stops an young man in his 30s got on the van carrying lots of plastic bags that he placed on the outside seat and sat himself on the inside seat. He was almost next to me-I could touch him by only lifting my arm up. And then I realized he was homeless-he brought inside the van a terrible smell, it was impossible to breathe. I also noticed that he had some mental issues-the look in his eyes was insane. An old man sitting right in front of him started to complain about the smell. Without saying a word the young man pulled out of one of his numerous bags a deodorant and sprayed some heavy sweet aroma witch made the breathing conditions even worse but the absurdity of the situation made me laugh. But he kept on searching for something else in that bag and pulled out a big primitive hand-made knife and started to clean the blade with a rug. I’ve never been so scared in my life. I thought I’ll pass out. I’m sure I’ve gotten completely pale. I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. I had a vision how he cuts the old man’s throat. Finally he put the knife inside the bag. No one else on the van noticed it-I was the only one to see what has happened. I reached my destination a half an hour later-the longest half an hour ever. I swear, I wanted to kiss the ground after I got off.

I just don’t want to die by the power of an unfortunate coincidence.

16 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Are you afraid of Bulgarians?

1:02 PM  
Blogger balance said...

WTF?! Of course I’m not afraid of people on the ground of nationality! It’s a ridiculous thing to say! I almost take it as an insult.

OK, apparently your anonymity is precious to you but your IP says “Bulgaria, Sofia”. Any comment?

1:12 PM  
Blogger balance said...

Are you pulling my leg?! Please, say it is so.

1:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm not pulling your leg and I'm sorry if it seem like that to you. What I meant was are you afraid of people in certain environment, not because of their nationality. It sounded like paranoia and I changed the title of the most paranoid song I know to fit the environment, that's all.

2:11 PM  
Blogger balance said...

Now I feel like a complete idiot and I'm truly, truly sorry that my words made you feel bad. Maybe I should cut down those crime series I watch on TV :)
Peace?

7:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It was a slight misunderstanding, don't bother worrying. Don't cut down the crime series, especially CSI: Las Vegas (I read in one of you previous post you have watched it). It is good enough not only because it's intriguing, but you could hear Zero7, should I mention your favourite NIИ?

10:31 PM  
Blogger balance said...

Hmmm, I have a friend named Pavel...and you sound a lot like him...and if it's a joke I'm not laughing.

4:33 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't know why you are so suspicious. We don't know each other and all I know about you I've read in your blog. If Pavel is your friend would he joke with you in that way?
p.s. You wake up early (or you don't sleep?)

10:59 AM  
Blogger balance said...

It’s a good and an appropriate question that unfortunately I can’t give an equally good answer to. I may know what the best line of conduct is but it doesn’t necessarily mean that I follow it without a detour. Suspicion is a bad choice, I know; that way one could lose more than one could gain.
No, it’s definitely not like Pavel to joke like that…but your last comment was as if he has made it!
I don’t know you, true; by now I can only tell that you are a very patient person.
I get up very early but for the last couple of nights I had troubles sleeping and I was up even earlier than usually.
And, hmm, Bowie is an Englishman which means he can say such things about Americans. I’m not sure though who has written the lyrics.
Over.

12:27 PM  
Blogger balance said...

BTW, people that read my blog know me better than many of my friends-I usually just listen and occasionally give advices.

12:47 PM  
Blogger balance said...

But I keep wondering why you insist on English. Yours is much better than mine, of course.

12:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I truly believe that your English is better than mine but I'll take it as a compliment. I do not insist on English but I think it's appropriate because a greater part of you post are in English. It's not like I'm being original or something.

1:07 PM  
Blogger balance said...

That answer certainly makes sense; it is of no use, of course, but that doesn’t make it false.

1:21 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I read once again your post and thought "where were we and where we went". (I didn't expect you would post so many responses to my comment and I felt flattered in some way.) You said people know you better by reading your blog and yet I still can't figure out why you sound agressive sometimes and then friendly (not necessarily in that order)? Why do you consider me as a patient person? Or do you feel like being in a mini-van with homeless and stinky people? The truth is I'm getting more confused, I pick my words up carefully and still interested in you writings.

2:20 PM  
Blogger balance said...

I can only say that I write back the first thing that comes to my mind. Since I don’t know you I have no reason to be neither aggressive nor friendly to you, right? Have you thought about another alternative-that the way you accept my responses may not cover their true meaning i.e. that you might be interpreting them according to the way you feel at the moment?
I’ll ignore the mini-van analogy ‘cause I don’t get it-I don’t feel nothing of the sort. As for the “patience” characteristic that I awarded you with-it’s obvious; you got some punches from be but you keep coming back. It’s my turn to be flattered, I suppose. That tickles my vanity and so far I enjoy it. And if you feel confused about what you read imagine how I feel with that mess in my mind :))

And I really have no idea why you keep coming back.

5:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Because it is interesting,

7:59 PM  

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