Bonds

There's this friend I had. Yes, past tense. We lost touch a few years ago-he didn't wanted me as a friend anymore. The story is a trivial one-he happened to be in love with me (or so he said), I didn't return his feelings (I wish I could but I had nothing to return), he said he could live with it because he didn't want to lose our friendship... and then he disappeared without a hint, without even saying goodbye. That was painful. I don't put my trust in people lightheartedly and when I do I mean it and it is for life. I don't have former friends-only people who for some reason chose to walk out of my life (and I wish you spoke before doing so). And this guy I trusted. I have told him things I hadn't told anyone else.
"A bond of trust has been abused
Something of value may be lost..."

It doesn't sound so trivial when Morrissey sings it.  

Anyway.

Today I sent him a message. Nothing special-just a hi-do-you-remember-me message. I'm curious if there will be a reply at all (I sincerely doubt there will be) but at least I'll know I've tried.

It is a beautiful song, isn't it?

  

04-09-2014:

There was no reply-just as I expected. How petty.

The perfect gift for me

OK, maybe be not the perfect one but still pretty close to it: all six Star Wars movies on DVD. Buy me that and there will be a place in my heart reserved especially for you :)

I know it sounds funny but it wasn't a joke.

"Thief of your heart"

This morning, just as any other weekend morning, I was at the office to feed the three dogs I take care of. Of course I had the radio turned on to keep me company while preparing the meals. And they played a song from "In the name of the father" soundtrack. It was Sinead O'Connor, "You made me the thief of your heart". I don't like Sinead but this song I absolutely adore :

Life goes on

Yesterday one of my best pals at work, who took a maternity leave a couple of months ago, gave birth to a baby girl. It took my friend years of fertility tests, hormone treatment, numerous medical procedures and way too much broken hopes and desperate tears to get there. All she ever wanted was to be a mother, it was her only wish and sole craving. And when almost all hope was lost she got pregnant and as of yesterday she's finally a mother. Congratulations, girl! You made it, you really did!

I have never wanted to be a mother, I have never understood people's need to reproduce but that is not relevant in any way to this occasion. Because she's my friend, she is very dear to me and if she's happy I am only happy for her and with her.

Of course that means we will lose touch... but that's OK. She's happy and only that matters.

Thank you Gjenet!

At the 30 Seconds to Mars concert in Vienna on July 1st I met Gjenet-an American girl from North Carolina, fresh out of highschool and about to go to college. She came to Vienna with her mom-it was the starting point of their one month European trip. It was her first ever 30STM concert. Her mother was at the show too but they were separated because Gjenet had a Meet and Greet ticket and her mother-a regular one. Her mother (as it is custom for any proper mother) was very worried about leaving her daughter on her own for so many hours so I volunteered to take Gjenet under my wing and took care of her the whole day. We talked a lot, shared deeply personal details and by the end of the day we were close to best friends. I felt incredibly lucky to have had her as a gig buddy. We exchanged phone numbers, I gave her my email.  After the show I left for Linz and they went on with their trip.

Yesterday FB notified me about a friend's request and, oh dear, it was Gjenet! Accept, accept! The next day there was another notification-that I was tagged in a post by her. And the things she said about me were so sweet that I even cried-I was so touched to know someone thinks so highly of me! True, that day I did my best to make her feel good and cared about - I know how much it sucks to be alone in a foreign country and I tried to be the best friend for her. But I am not used to getting gratitude and I never expect any. It feels really good to be appreciated once in a while.

Concert experience is priceless on so many levels.

Fear is the worst enemy

One of the girls at work is afraid of dogs because she has had a traumatic experience with a dog in childhood. My best friend at the office commented that: "Following the same logic I should keep away from humans all the time!"
She nailed it.

“Dallas Buyers Club”

Because “Dallas Buyers Club” was never shown in the cinemas in my country (apart for that onetime screening that I couldn't attend) I had to wait for the DVD to be released. Last month, when I was in France, I bought the DVD and yesterday I finally found myself in the right set of mind to watch it.

You know how sometimes you get so absorbed in the movie you’re watching that you forget where you are, when you are, who you are? That’s what happened yesterday. I was so caught up in it that after it was over I needed some time to adjust to the fact I was actually in my living room holding the remote.

The movie left me very sad, so sad. I cried, I laughed, I was genuinely moved. In a nutshell: brilliant work!

What I really want

I want to find courage to leave my comfort zone, a chance to make a decent living by doing something that will allow me to be in touch with as many people as possible and from whom I could learn something different every day, to whom I could be of help. I need to add more meaning to my life. There has to be more to life than this. But I have no idea where to start from. (Needless to say there will be zero support from friends and family; as if there ever was...)

Maybe I should apply for work in a hostel, buy a one-way ticket and see what happens. What an appealing idea.

Irreconcilable differences

No wonder I and my lady friends are growing apart. They go to family-friendly resorts and classical music concerts; I go almost bankrupt to chase a rock band all over Europe. On FB they like daycare centers and yoga classes; I like scull chandeliers, goth fashion and sci-fi movies. They like what is useful and appropriate for their social status and age; I like what fuels my dreams and fantasies. They're long through with childhood and I hold on to it fiercely.

Is there something wrong with me? Should I be even asking myself that question? I suppose I shouldn't but that's the trouble to be all by yourself: you start to question your thoughts because there's no one around to verify them. It would really help if they don't look at me as if I'm some kind of freak. But then again I refuse to pretend I'm someone I'm not for their convenience's sake.

PCD is such a bitch isn't it?

When I read someone's had a blast at a 30 SECONDS TO MARS show I'm both crazy jealous I wasn't there and insanely happy for that someone.

"Dreamer"

“Moonlight andValentino” was on TV last night. I love that movie and this song is one of the many reasons why:

Keep 'em coming :)

When you have a friend who is a 30 Seconds to Mars fan and you search Google for a theme birthday picture you have to go through a lot Jared Leto’s photos, and I mean A LOT. I can’t say it was an unpleasant activity :) 

A piece of advise to myself

When you like something/someone-say it, show it, let it be known; don’t just stand there thinking that people can read your mind. They can’t - but some will be appreciative if you actually DO something in due time. Online or real-sized "thumbs up" take no effort so what's the hold up? Make those thumbs move! 

"There is a light that never goes out"

It is true - with the right music you are never alone. Because no matter how bad it is music can restore your faith. And you can't move on without faith - especially without faith in tomorrow.

The hard way

What doesn't kill you... makes you angry as hell to start with.

Is it so?

"Better well-intentioned lies than silence, or no talking at all..." - Richard Bach, "One"

My mind will mull over that for some time.

"We were the kings and queens of promise"

“Kings and queens” was on MTV Rocks just now and to my surprise by the end of the song my face was wet with tears. I get so sad when I think I might never see them again. It was that good. 

Low profile

"Goth" is a state of mind. I don't need to look like one in order to feel like one.

Work it

I need to dance away every molecule of pain and disappointment. I need to free space for happiness.

"need"? I must.