Me, myself and I

Read in the “Do it” column in the latest edition of “One week in Sofia”: Spare at least 24 minutes for yourself every twenty-four hours; don’t be cheap-that’s only a minute every hour. After all you’re the best friend you’ll ever have!

A real(ly) short story

A colleague of mine once made a mistake that I had to correct and he was so embarrassed that instead of saying “I’m sorry for the inconvenience and thank you” he actually said “Thank you for the inconvenience” :)

“impossible” is just a word

Human relations are not about winning and power. Once you understand that it will save you those torments of the soul that seem very romantic when you’re young but become a source of pure frustration with age. Sitting in a dark room with headphones on the head and a heart filled with anger towards the cruel world outside at the age of 16 is not the same at the age of 35 if not for any other reason but at least because the burden of time is heavier in the latter case (I am 35 or will be in 4 months time). Teenagers can afford not only to feel but also to show their angst-they have their lives ahead to correct those behavioral mistakes that are excusable by their age. A mature person can not rely to receive such a merciful understanding and has to be far more cautious about his social appearance. An EMO teenager is simply a grumpy fool at 35. Society prejudices are unfair but to neglect their existence is unreasonable. Some people decline to obey those unwritten rules because they take it as a compromise and prefer to step over those rules than to lie to themselves. By all means, go and live on a desert island where you can be true to yourself as much as you wish! Human relations ARE about compromises because we all have flaws and the stubbornness to admit you’ve made a mistake is offensive and disrespectful to other people because it clearly says: I’m perfect; you’re not. Thank god, no one is perfect.

I stopped to think over what was the point I tried to make and I figured it out: people should not and can not live because of themselves only. Life is about exchange of mental values and the laws of the market are fully applicable: you have to give in order to receive. And if you don’t receive right away, think of it as of a deposit in a bank: the more you put in, the bigger interest you’ll get in the future. Such a Pharisaic association should work even for the figure-molded brains.

Some people, hopefully not that many, probably see me as a hopeless romantic fool babbling about the Moon and the stars and some mythical universal love, which I (think I) am not. I can clearly tell the difference between reality and dreams and I know that dreams start where reality ends. But the impossibility of a dream is not a reason to quit from reaching for it. The irresistible beauty of the impossible is the never-ending fuel that feeds our perseverance and pushes us to be bigger than who we’re told we could ever be. My (already) favorite writer Andrei Makin has once said in an interview: "Poverty can not justify the lack of spirituality." Boundaries are broken by people who are unaware of their existence.

Yes, I am a hopeless dreamer after all :)

My ultimate romance movie

Edward Scissorhands. It was on TV last night and I cried my eyes out-just like every other time.

Listen to your inner

I rely on my intuition in many aspects of my life. I’d hear a song from an unknown artist and immediately buy the album because I know it’s something special. I’ve never been wrong about my choice. That is how I found Jeff Buckley or Dead Can Dance for instance. Most important, of course, that is why I bought “Pretty Hate Machine” way back in 1990-because of hearing 2 minutes of a song in a music store (I couldn’t know then it would have such a crucial impact on my life :)) The latest example is the Russian author Andrei Makin. I strongly recommend his books although so far I’ve read only two of them: “The woman that was waiting” and “The music of a life”. Only 2 books, pretty small (the latter is less than a 100 pages) but, my God, The words! Words that haunt my mind and leave my soul breathless! The sensation I get from reading his works is similar to the way I felt while reading Kakuzo Okakura’s The book of Tea. The same attention to the detail, the same careful choice of words. If there’s an action it holds place in characters’ minds. He tells a story that could be retold in a page but he opens the door to the inner world of the people involved and lets us see the vast universe of their thoughts, feelings, dreams and fears, passions and temptations. There’s a strong string of sorrow that knits together everything from the first line to the last. “And all that could have been”-like point of view to lives whose progress has been directed by unavoidable circumstances and unfortunate coincidences. He’s making a garden of flowers whose sun has been overshadowed by faith. And yet I’m not left with the impression that he’s taking a side. He’s merely the voice of muted souls, photographing every tiny detail of that bodiless structure that makes us humans.

My unlucky countdown of songs that make me wanna puke

(“13” is a very nice number)

Listed bellow are songs that pollute my ears on a daily basis (by definition against my will)

So here I go (in no particular order):

* “Baby I love your way”, especially the Big Mountain version (I wish I could return the compliment)

* “Another day in paradise”, Phil Collins (Did you give the money that song brought you to charity?)

* “One”, U2 (wonderful lyrics though)

* “Go west”, Pet Shop Boys (Thanks, but no; thanks. I prefer to match with the pigs)

* “Unchain my heart”, Joe Cocker (Who’s keeping you?!)

* “The best”, Tina Turner (A horse? Please, some people here might be under age!)

* “I was made for lovin’ you”, KISS (...and they headed to the bank with smiles on their faces)

* “Nothing else matters”, Metallica (How low can you go?! Do the limbo!)

* “Nothing compares to you”, Sinead O’Connor (Indeed, nothing)

* “Wind of change”, The Scorpions (yeah, whatever)

* “Smoke on the water”, Deep Purple (utter irritation)

* “My heart will go on”, Celine Dion (Well, Celine Dion is a category of her own but the list is restricted to a single song, so...; sink already, enough’s enough)

* “I will always love you”, Whitney Houston (Who dares to love forever? He-he, Highlander was on TV a couple of nights ago; and, yes, I know it's a Dolly Parton' song)

So if you want to greet me with a tune just make sure it’s not one of those. A NIN song is always a safe choice. And if that song is “Eraser” then...I will always love you (No, I mean it! Will anyone dare? ;))

Today was a good day

Written at 6.30 PM today at Coffee House:

If you ask me what is the meaning of the balance I strive so vigorously to achieve, right now I’d say that it is a state without hesitations of any kind, where you don’t have to face a choice about what to do or say at any moment because you already know what is right and what is wrong.

What is wrong with people? It is a question that bears not even a slightest touch of irritation (almost; the girl on the next table was laughing too loud and vulgar but she just left); I’d really like to know. Life is short and by the time I wrote the previous sentence it got 30 sec shorter that no one of us is getting back.

Funny, my life is as it was just a couple of months ago-no significant changes, I still hope for nothing, I still expect nothing (neither to be given nor to happen) but I feel at peace. A day of hard work just ended but I’m smiling-not over something or someone; just smiling. I hope that doesn’t make me look like an idiot but even if it is so, it’s OK. I (somehow) have managed to shake the feelings of guilt and insecurity off my back and that is liberating; I feel light. I wish I knew how it has happened so that I could share the secret. Maybe I know. It happens when you stop seeing yourself as the center of the universe and that way make a room in your mind for the well-being of the people around you. And you start to give more and more and that makes you richer. You were right about that, Mani-I will never be a cynic.

Ambient according to Brian Eno

“Ambient Music must be able to accommodate many levels of listening attention without enforcing one in particular; it must be as ignorable as it is interesting.”
— Brian Eno (Music for Airports liner notes, September 1978)

Perfection.

Alive

5.30 in the morning. Everybody’s still asleep in a blessed ignorance. It’s dark outside, it’s dark in the room-the only lights come from the flashing stereo. Headphones on my head. Massive Attack’s Mezzanine. And I dance as if it’s my last day on Earth. Those deep underground sounds pull some pristine strings in my mind I’ve never been aware of making me feel like a saint and a slut at the same time; as if my body is the body of every woman that has ever been. I feel alive.

Inspired from J[e]N’s blog

Before anyone has said a word (by all means, any word back would be warmly appreciated) let me clear something: I am fully aware that no one owes me anything. I know life is (no, I’m not going to say “unfair”) unpredictable and that surprises come in various shapes-some are beautiful, some are hideous. Life can not be “unfair” because there is no justice in the first place. You could win the lottery or you could draw the short straw and when either happens it just happens. There’s no use in looking for a reason or someone to blame. I’m not looking for a scapegoat to bear the guilt; there’s no guilt at all. The “crime and punishment” scheme is a wrong attitude because it’s a useless waste of time and time is too precious. All the efforts should be concentrated on dealing with the result.

Clarity continued

My inability to express verbally the way I feel about life and people causes me enough of stress. The way I see things it is a simple truth that it’s narrow-minded to be mad at narrow-minded people; that it is wrong to be angry at shallow people because that makes you just as shallow; that it is a contradiction to hate people who don’t put love, beauty and empathy on top of their value system as you do because that corrupts the sincerity of your believes and makes them nothing but a sheer pose and if you claim that people should feel nothing but love to each other then you should feel that love yourself even when there’s no response. To reply to hate with hate makes you no different from the people you despise. You can’t mourn about the death of humanity and at the same time to decline to show that very same humanity towards people who are either too immature emotionally or are already far too cynical to recognize the threat in that tendency that has become a trade mark for the modern world. The truth you choose to believe in should be embraced as an absolute truth; it is hypocritical to divide it into pieces so you could pick those that benefit you and leave behind those that don’t serve your personal agenda.

It’s so easy!

Just take a deep breath, cool down and say the right thing. The world is overwhelmed with pain as it is; there’s no need to add more to it.
It’s so easy to be kind.

Clarity

People are transparent to me-I see through their words and deeds and what I see can be brought to something so simple that it can not be put in words.

Eureka

I finally figured it out. I’m working on breaking free from my dependence on other people’s benevolence to me. I can no longer allow my whole world to be crushed every time my so called friends act like zombies. I fear I’m one step away from becoming a hardcore cynic. But if I do become one then I won’t care about it anyway.

“This is the only time I really feel alive”

And it is when I recall my 8 NIИ concerts I went to last year. And it is beyond (at least mine) imagination how painful those memories are.

Pathetic.

Holly shit! Ministry in Sofia!?!?!?!

June 12th, 2008

SPEECHLESS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What has become of me?!?

I’ve seen an ant farm only in the movies but as if there’s one right in front of me to observe-people running back and forth doing I-have-no-idea-what-and-why-they-find-it-so-important. I just look insensitively at the fuzz they create and just mind my feet not to step over them.

It feels horrible. Hope it ends sooner.

Calm

How come we murmur at routine but we cherish traditions considering that repetition is what defines both?

Every Saturday you can find me (if you care) in a café called Bytheway; not because I like it so much (as a matter of fact I don't) but because there I meet some friends. Same day, same time, same place, same people. Those Saturday meetings are our tradition and the first thing I do when I go in (after greeting the guy at the bar and the waitress) is to pick up the fresh "One week in Sofia"-a free weekly edition about what's new in the life of the city. Almost every time there's a Q&A with a foreigner visiting Sofia. A couple of weeks ago it was a young French girl that obviously wasn't charmed to be here because (in her own words) "Are you Bulgarians always so gloomy?".

Those words popped in my mind yesterday morning while I was on the bus on my way to work. I was reading a book and pretty much only my body was present but at one of the stops I had to come down to Earth-there was some commotion at the entrance right next to me. Apparently an elderly woman has rushed to catch the bus and has felt on the ground just before climbing in. What I saw was her on the ground and a few people that were reaching to help her asking if she was OK, picking up her bags and handling them to her. That was at 7 AM when all the people that were at the bus stop were there because they were waiting for those old crowded buses to get to work-a very fine excuse for grumpiness, if you ask me. But even so they helped that woman. So, besides grumpy Bulgarians can also be kind and (take my word for it) cheerful when they are cheerful. I prefer to see grumpy faces than false smiles. This world is fake enough already but at least I can still trust my fellow countrymen to show genuine emotions.

Funny thing that I had to go through so many ups and downs, to think so hard about what people are and what triggers them to do this and that, to change my mind about human nature thousands of times to finally come up with the simplest of all conclusions that it is most just to let people be who they are and accept them without judging. People are not a product of manufacture; you can't apply a mold to them. I am not the one I've been 5 minutes ago and in another 5 minutes I'll be someone I'm not now. If a man on the street bumps into me and doesn't even turn to apologize do I have the right to conclude he is rude, arrogant and insensitive? No, because I don't know the background. What if he has just been told about a great personal tragedy and all his mental resource are busy to keep him sane?

Indeed I feel much better…no, the correct way to put it would be to say that I feel at peace when I exclude myself from the picture. I'm re-reading Paul Auster's "The New York trilogy" and in the first few pages there's a sentence: "He felt as if everything there was to happen to him has already happened".

I feel strangely calm; as if the stage is set and I'm waiting for the play to begin.