Saturday, February 02, 2008

Calm

How come we murmur at routine but we cherish traditions considering that repetition is what defines both?

Every Saturday you can find me (if you care) in a café called Bytheway; not because I like it so much (as a matter of fact I don't) but because there I meet some friends. Same day, same time, same place, same people. Those Saturday meetings are our tradition and the first thing I do when I go in (after greeting the guy at the bar and the waitress) is to pick up the fresh "One week in Sofia"-a free weekly edition about what's new in the life of the city. Almost every time there's a Q&A with a foreigner visiting Sofia. A couple of weeks ago it was a young French girl that obviously wasn't charmed to be here because (in her own words) "Are you Bulgarians always so gloomy?".

Those words popped in my mind yesterday morning while I was on the bus on my way to work. I was reading a book and pretty much only my body was present but at one of the stops I had to come down to Earth-there was some commotion at the entrance right next to me. Apparently an elderly woman has rushed to catch the bus and has felt on the ground just before climbing in. What I saw was her on the ground and a few people that were reaching to help her asking if she was OK, picking up her bags and handling them to her. That was at 7 AM when all the people that were at the bus stop were there because they were waiting for those old crowded buses to get to work-a very fine excuse for grumpiness, if you ask me. But even so they helped that woman. So, besides grumpy Bulgarians can also be kind and (take my word for it) cheerful when they are cheerful. I prefer to see grumpy faces than false smiles. This world is fake enough already but at least I can still trust my fellow countrymen to show genuine emotions.

Funny thing that I had to go through so many ups and downs, to think so hard about what people are and what triggers them to do this and that, to change my mind about human nature thousands of times to finally come up with the simplest of all conclusions that it is most just to let people be who they are and accept them without judging. People are not a product of manufacture; you can't apply a mold to them. I am not the one I've been 5 minutes ago and in another 5 minutes I'll be someone I'm not now. If a man on the street bumps into me and doesn't even turn to apologize do I have the right to conclude he is rude, arrogant and insensitive? No, because I don't know the background. What if he has just been told about a great personal tragedy and all his mental resource are busy to keep him sane?

Indeed I feel much better…no, the correct way to put it would be to say that I feel at peace when I exclude myself from the picture. I'm re-reading Paul Auster's "The New York trilogy" and in the first few pages there's a sentence: "He felt as if everything there was to happen to him has already happened".

I feel strangely calm; as if the stage is set and I'm waiting for the play to begin.

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