31 July 2007: We have arrived.

The front picture for today on nin.com:

Simply beautiful.

Holy shit! I happened to be the first to send a comment! Pure luck…and lots of F5 :)

One is big as one’s dreams

I have my Utopia. I create mini-movies in my mind; I meet people I’ll never meet; I have conversations that’ll never be held. A very dangerous hobby that is; coming back gets harder and harder. Dreams are addictive because they can’t go wrong.

But Utopia is not the answer and I know it whether on subconscious level or acknowledged. Utopia is the desert island where I hide from the raging storm that’s trying to tear me apart. But once the storm is over I have no excuses for staying on my island. Yes, it is safe, nothing threatens me there but nothing happens either. It’s peaceful and boring to death.

There’s a saying that at the end one feels remorse not for what one has done but for what one hasn’t dare to do. Remorse about missed opportunities is the worst. Opportunities are about hope. I haven’t given up dreaming and that is a proof I still have hope because that’s what dreams are about. It is when you stop dreaming that you know you’re dead inside. The one that is me is still there; she’s just afraid to go out. Opportunities rarely knock on your door; you have to go out and meet them. I’m really trying to escape clichés but that is what a cliché really means: it’s a knowledge proved through multiple experience. I once read a story about a man who has had the perfect life: a loving family, wealth, a good reputation and respect. And he has lost it all. As he has been sorry for himself it has occurred to him he’s been the luckiest man on earth-he has been free to do whatever he has wanted because he has had nothing to lose.

I’m free to take chances-people can’t hurt me more than they already have.

Here’s another cliché: one feels good as much as one allows oneself to feel. And it is true; I would be a hypocrite to say otherwise. I know I’m looking for excuses most of the time and, of course, I find them. Very strong excuses that make me to believe myself. I know I’m right. People might put me in the dirt; it’s my fault if I choose to stay there. It’s a simple choice: I either stay down or I get up. The trouble is the longer I stay down the more I like it and I forget “all that could’ve been”. It changes the mind and if I don’t pay attention I might reach a point of no return.

My perception of people is totally wrong. I have very high expectations of them and I blame them for that. OK, sometimes it does seem like my friends talk of nothing but fashion and sales; SO WHAT?! It doesn’t mean I should condemn them as the scum of the universe! If I do that then I’m not better than those I despise.

People are different. What I see is the consequence and I should not even think of the reasons. I don’t want to be judged; I shouldn’t do it myself. If I accept that my mind will be free. It’s wrong to frame people because we can’t see further than the limits of our own minds. The flaws we see in other people are a reflection of our own flaws.

Right Where It Belongs

How often do you come across a song that defines you completely?

Right where it belongs, "With Teeth" 2005, Nine Inch Nails

see the animal in his cage that you built
are you sure what side you're on?
better not look him too closely in the eye
are you sure what side of the glass you are on?

see the safety of the life you have built
everything where it belongs
feel the hollowness inside of your heart
and it's all right where it belongs

what if everything around you
isn't quite as it seems
what if all the world you think you know
is an elaborate dream?

and if you look at your reflection
is that all you want it to be?
what if you could look right through the cracks
would you find yourself - find yourself afraid to see?

what if all the world's inside of your head
just creations of your own?
your devils and your gods all the living and the dead
and you're really all alone?

you can live in this illusion
you can choose to believe
you keep looking but you can't find the woods
while you're hiding in the trees

They made it !!! :)))))

30 July 2007: Say "cheese"


Is that Jordie?! It IS Jordie !!! I don't believe my ears-did I just say out loud "OMG, this is so cute!" :)))))))))))

Thanks for the update; I can sleep well tonight : ) I am so excited about their journey troubles as if I am going to be at the Moscow show myself :)))

A new pet :)

Unfortunately the piglet badge I wanted wasn’t on stock but I didn’t left the store empty handed-I bought that Tim Burton-inspired rabbit (?; or is it a mouse?). Whatever that creature is it is so cute! :)))

http://01001001010000010100110101010011010101000101010001000010.com

= IAMSTTB = I AM STILL TRYING TO BELEIVE
Wohaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fucking crazy when you click All the pigs, all lined up at the bottom of the page.
I have no idea what so ever what it is about except for the obvious fact that it is a part of the Year Zero ARG.

EDIT: nin remixes; but the site is so coooooooooool :)))))))))))))

Maaaan, how can that be?!?!?

From nin.com:

29 July 2007: The wrong date on your visa = no Russia for you!

That's life!

I have a new camera!

And for you, my fav feline fan, here’s a new addition to the purring clan :

It’s unbelievable that this sweet looking vulnerable creature will grow to become a fierce and ruthless warrior. But we all have been innocent once.

What have I done!?

OK; So I posted 3 comments to the current nin.com open opinion section. I even dared to show some discontent. I mean, NIN have been almost everywhere except for the so called and still referred to as “former socialist countries” and Africa. It was socialism not a lobotomy!
Of course I’m unjust to speak like that; of course the band (and any band at all) is not obliged to do anything. Fans like me can murmur whatever bullshit they can think of but our favorite bands are not obliged to grant our wishes.

I think I wouldn’t have posted those bitter comments if I thought anyone would care to read them at all. I’m not sure which of the two options would I prefer; not that I can choose :)

I want that badge

from antistar.biz :

nin.com : We're off!

The reason? currently preparing for tour



OK then; I forgive you :))) I’m lucky I don’t have to take that much luggage with me :)

Who has a new T-shirt? :)))

Meeeeeeee !!! My Lust For Blood T-shirt arrived in less than 2 weeks after placing the order! Hooray!

It just occurred to me…

You know what I want? To have had a role model among my relatives. Wishes, wishes...I have an impeccable taste for choosing the impossible ones.

I might be switching from passive to active depression. At least it’s some change.

Bits & pieces

This is a transformed letter to a Spiral friend. I took the liberty to replace the “you” with “I” because when I was addressing her I actually meant me ;every word of advice that I gave to her was an advice I should follow myself. I’m posting it here because I have a short memory for self-criticism.

I think I might be making the mistake to look for a final solution; something (a word, a course of action) that would miraculously erase all the pain I’ve been through so far. I love to dream about it; it’s just like fairytales end-the princess is saved from the villains, justice is served, good prevails and everybody lives happily ever after. Well, it can’t and it won’t happen that way. I should accept it; I know I’m still waiting for my fairytale but it’s nowhere to be seen and my life seems a nightmare. I don’t say it is; I just say it seems that way only because the way it unfolds does not follow my fairytale scenario by the letter. And just because things don’t happen as I have dreamed them I decide they are not worth a nickel. I decide I don’t get what I want and the disappointment blackens my vision to acknowledge what I already have. I am aware I’m not the most miserable human being on this planet. There are thousands of people who would gladly switch places with me. What is it then that makes me so unrest, so insecure, so unsatisfied? Could it be I’m afraid to grow up?! Or, to put it more mercifully, not ready yet to grow up? I’m becoming more and more self-centered and that scares me. It’s a dead-end; it drives me to isolation; I spend more and more time in my dream world; my perspectives twist; I lose touch with reality; I can’t seem to recognize the good things in life anymore.

Whether I’m sad or not life goes on regardless of how I feel. I might be mad at the world but the world couldn’t care any less about it. I might be furious how unfair (and sometimes evil) people are but I can’t change them; it is how it is. If I keep on bashing my head in the wall of people’s indifference I’ll only end up with a terrible headache and blood on my head.

From all I’ve learned there’s one thing I’m positive about: it’s never too late to be surprised. I mean-in a good way (bad surprises are no surprises at all; I know they’re coming my way; bad things happen to everyone). Happiness comes in small doses; it comes, it goes away, then it comes back again. I can’t lock it in a cage and keep it forever.

I have figured out something-dark days just make me appreciate more the light in my life. The past is my enemy. Instead of moving forward I’m stuck in one place with my eyes looking back to where I’ve come from waiting and longing for revenge. And that is stupid, unreasonable and immature. And it’s up to me to fight those feelings ‘cause I’m the only one that cares.

I hate cowards…but I can’t help admitting that I behave like one too-I prefer to talk instead of act and I prefer to dream instead of to take a chance and to try to make my dreams come true. That’s why I started to challenge myself by doing things I never had the courage to do before. I fear traveling (I was refusing to travel within my own country; and it’s a small country) but I went abroad for the first time completely alone. OK, it was to see NIN live so I don’t know if that should count (I guess desire was stronger than fear) but still: 10 days on my own in 3 different countries (4 actually; Barcelona in February; Amsterdam, Berlin and Vienna in March); I had to speak only in English (that was heavy; I had my first ever real conversation in English in Barcelona). The whole thing seemed like a nightmare most of the time (I even got robbed in Barcelona) but nevertheless I was very happy to do it-I was no longer talking how much I’d like to be at a NIN concert; I actually did it. I’ll do it again in August; the thought of it makes me dizzy but I’m going anyway. In September I’ll take another challenge-I’m going to Istanbul (for a Tool concert; all credits go to Dee Dee) with more than 10 other people of which I know only one. All of them know each other; all of them are younger than me; all of them are cleverer and more fit to live than me; I suspect I’ll feel like a retard next to them. But I’ll do it because I’m sick of hiding behind excuses. And even if it goes wrong I won’t be sorry; I’ll know that I’ve at least tried.

Close friends…I kind of have one, perhaps even two but I’m not entirely sincere before them-I can’t explain to them the reasons for my unhappiness; I can’t put into words the essence of my frustration. Why try? The only one who can help me is me.

Friends…I have a few. Right now I’m really mad at my best friend-we were supposed to meet yesterday but she changed her mind because she had to do the laundry and to clean the house. WTF ?!? So the laundry is more important than me! The truth is solitary scares me. In such moments I’m all anger; I go from one café to another, I smoke tones of cigarettes and I write depressive entries in my journal trying to get even at least on paper because I can’t really criticize my friends in their faces; I can’t afford to tell them they make me feel betrayed when I need them most and they’re not there for me.

Parents…The one person I really hate is my father. I blame him for being a tyrant, for crushing my spirit at every occasion, for the attitude I have towards men (I’d rather be alone than to risk someone to yell at me “How can you be so stupid!”; hum…talking about cowards…). I hate my mother for not doing anything to defend me. That’s it. I can’t change what has been. Chewing the past helps me not. Yet my father has no idea he has done something wrong; on the contrary-he thinks I’m ungrateful. We don’t talk. Yes, we discuss movies, books, music; no more; we never talk as a parent and a child should; never have. I learned to keep silent so that he wouldn’t have any reason to shout at me.

I think about death every day. But I’m still alive because there are plenty of possibilities to try before choosing the ultimate one.

I’m not better nor worse than other people; just different and that comes with a certain price. I could change in order to be accepted-to change my looks, my behavior, to talk sweetly, to smile all the time. But I’d still feel miserable because it won’t be me. I have such thoughts sometimes-to replace my combat boots with high heels to attract men; to read beauty magazines so that I could discuss latest gossips and fashion with my coworkers. But, really, why would I want to attract men who lose head over a pair of legs; and why would I want to be respected by people I don’t respect in the first place?! For the sake of vanity? That’s a pretty good reason by the way. Everybody loves to be loved and everyone who denies it is a liar. I can’t decide whether I have a strong personality or am I just plain stubborn.

In conclusion: If you see an opportunity-grab it. It can’t get worse than it already is, can it? Chances come and go and you might miss them if you keep your eyes on yourself only.

Bad dog

It seems like one of my colleagues is flirting with me. That poor fellow doesn’t suspect he’s entered a mine field. Sooner or later (most likely sooner) he’s going to make a wrong step and I’ll be watching from the first row.

Captured beauty

Magnificent photographs by Dee Dee’s sister - Lori.

I hope I did good

Hooray! I am soon to be an owner of a “Lust for blood” T-shirt – I ordered one a few days ago. There were only 18 pieces left on stock or so the web site said so. Hopefully the shipment will arrive before I leave for Slovakia-I want to wear it on the NIИ shows. Most likely I’ll be the only one with a Velvet Acid Christ T-shirt. Not that anyone will care since a black T-shirt with something on it is the most common outfit at a rock concert but I will know it and that’ll be enough for me.

And I made a donation on the Toxic Coma web site-the VAC side project although I don’t see it as a donation-I downloaded the album and paid for it as a sign of respect for a job well done. Knowing I’ve downloaded all VAC albums for free made me feel very guilty. Despite the fact I should count every penny and to think twice before spending any I said goodbye to 40 USD with great pleasure.

Current mood: exploding

I feel inexplicably restless. I’m looking for a victim and I don’t think I’ll wait long.

New YZ wallpapers

No news lately from the NIИ camp apart from the recent TR update that he’s almost done producing the second Saul Williams’ album. Doesn’t that man ever rest? Boy, the Moscow show is just in 2 week time and my guess is it’s going to be wild!

At least Rob Sheridan is trying to keep the interest surprising the YZ ARG fanatics with a fresh set of YZ wallpapers and now my desktop looks like this:

Underneath it all

This dead-end literally speaking situation is starting seriously to annoy me. Days usually start OK-I’m enthusiastic about the hours ahead, I’m making plans and basically I’m looking at my place in the big picture with good optimistic favorable eyes.
And just when everything seems if not perfect then at least acceptable evenings come coloring the bright picture in dark, blurring my clear vision.

I haven’t spoken honestly since I don’t even remember how long. If I am to be honest before me at least I must admit that silence is too heavy for me. On the other hand the complexity of my burden is too elaborate to be translated into sentences that would make sense. Life is a canvas and everything that happens (or doesn’t happen respectively) adds another texture to it (thanks, Aaron). The first layers chronologically can not be recognized anymore but they shape the outcome equally strong as the most recent ones. I wish I could dig in and reach those lower layers so that I would know how it all has started. I’m in the middle of the stairs and I have no clue how I have got there.

I made a promise to Dee Dee that I haven't signed in blood but it is as obligatory as if I have-to take pictures at Bratislava and Prague concerts and to turn the world inside out if I have to but to bring back autographs. The way I see it now the only way to acquire autographs is to throw myself in front of the tour bus :) For my sake I really hope I won’t have to go that far and other more decent opportunities will be presented.

I’m such an idiot! Everywhere I turn I see couples. No, I don’t envy them-relationships make me anxious; as if I’m taking an exam that I expect to fail at; but I can’t help feeling less of a person. I have no explanation on both of the questions that previous lines raise.

And I don’t think I can relate to anyone who has never said to him/herself: I’m such an idiot!

Who stole my lucky Friday 13th ?

It all went wrong yesterday-not very wrong but wrong enough to feel cheated at the end. I woke up still/already tired and at 8 AM I started work not very enthusiastic as if I knew what was coming. People around me tried to test my nerves and at some point I successfully failed at it-I lost it pretty bad. On Thursday one of the things to do cost me a lot of time and efforts and on the next day I was told that the customer had changed his mind over the night and not only that my work went to the trash can but (if that wasn’t enough) I had to do it all over again; just because some moron hadn’t spared a minute to think. But it wasn’t then that I threw that terrible tantrum. It happened when the colleague who was the link between me and the customer brought me a gift as an apology although it wasn’t his fault. I, however, needed a scapegoat and my colleague was the only one available to play that part. And it just happened-a horrible outburst that slipped my lips and the moment I shouted at him to take the damn thing away and to get out of my sight I already felt 10 times worse. I apologized 30 seconds later but “I’m sorry! I’m truly sorry! You didn’t deserve it!” can not undo what I did.

Friday evening-the moment every M-F 8 AM-5 PM person waits impatiently like a convict on his last day in prison. The gates opened and I was free until Monday but somehow I was not as happy as I thought I’d be. The vacation season has started and all of my friends dispersed to the refugee places of their choice and I’m the only one left to pay respect to our hometown. It’s not that bad-as if half of the Sofia population has migrated and I have no problem to find a peaceful spot in my favorite café; there are much less people in the streets and the traffic is not so annoyingly busy.

ANTICHRIST SUPERSTAR

A timeless album; it sounds strikingly to me now as it did more than a decade ago. One look at the booklet just might give the answer why:

MARILYN MANSON: ANTICHRIST SUPERSTAR (October 21, 1996 - Nothing/Interscope)

1. Irresponsible Hate Anthem
(Lyrics: Manson, Ramirez; Music: Berkowitz, Gacy; Live Guitar: Zim Zum)
2. The Beautiful People
(Lyrics: Manson; Music: Ramirez; Descending Horn Guitar: Sean Beavan)
3. Dried Up, Tied and Dead to the World
(Lyrics: Manson; Music: Manson, Ramirez; Additional Guitars: M. Manson)
4. Tourniquet
(Lyrics: Manson; Music: Berkowitz, Ramirez; Additional Guitar: Berkowitz)
5. Little Horn
(Lyrics: Manson; Music: Ramirez, Reznor)
6. Cryptorchid
(Lyrics: Manson; Music: Gacy; Drums: Gacy; Mellotron: Reznor)
7. Deformography
(Lyrics: Manson; Music: Ramirez, Reznor; Addtional Guitar: Reznor)
8. Wormboy
(Lyrics: Manson; Music: Ramirez; Lead Guitar: Reznor; Additional Rhythm Guitar: Berkowitz)
9. Mister Superstar
(Lyrics: Manson; Music: Ramirez; Lead Guitar: Reznor; Additional Rhythm Guitar: Berkowitz)
10. Angel With The Scabbed Wings
(Lyrics: Manson; Music: Manson, Ramirez, Gacy; Lead Guitar: Danny Lohner)
11. Kinderfeld
(Lyrics: Manson; Music: Ramirez, Gacy; Additional Guitar: M. Manson; Live Drums: Chris Vrenna)
12. Antichrist Superstar
(Lyrics: Manson; Music: Ramirez, Gacy; Additional Guitar: Berkowitz)
13. 1996
(Lyrics: Manson; Music: Ramirez)
14. Minute of Decay
(Lyrics and Music: Manson; Guitar: M. Manson)
15. The Reflecting God
(Lyrics: Manson; Music: Ramirez, Reznor; Acoustic Guitar: Danny Lohner)
16. The Man That You Fear
(Lyrics: Manson; Music: Ramirez, Manson, Gacy, Berkowitz; Rhodes Piano: Reznor)

antichrist superstar - album credits

• Trent Reznor -Guitar, Piano, Producer, Mellotron, Programming, Editing, Mixing, Fender Rhodes
• Daisy Berkowitz - Guitar, Guitar (Rhythm)
• Twiggy Ramirez -Guitar (Acoustic), Guitar (Rhythm), Bass, Guitar
• Dave Ogilvie - Programming, Engineer, Editing, Producer
• Sean Beavan - Guitar, Editing, Mixing, Guitar Synth (Horns), Programming, Engineer, Producer P.R. Brown - Digital Illustration, Design
• Danny Lohner -Guitar (Acoustic), Guitar
• Brian Pollack -Production Assistant, Assistant Engineer
• Dean Karr -Photography
• Chris Vrenna -Drums, Programming, Engineer, Assistant Producer, Production Assistant, Editing, Drums (Snare)
• Ginger Fish -Drums, Programming, Drums (Snare)
• Alexis Kochan -Booking
• M.W. Gacy -Drums, Keyboards, Audio Engineer, Loops, Drums (Snare)
• Zim Zum -Guitar Tom Baker -Mastering
• Dave Ogilve -Mixing
• Marilyn Manson -Guitar, Vocals, Concept, Pan Pipes, Voices, Main Performer, Pan Flute, Producer, Piano
• Charles Clouser -Programming, Editing

What’s the meaning of it?!

Every morning the rush starts again. At work I do what I’m paid for to the best of my abilities and I go home exhausted to such a degree that I do not wish to go anywhere nor see anyone. And then I read well written books and watch beautiful movies that show me how much more there could be to life. A life that is not impossible for me to live…if only I wasn’t so tired all the time. It’s a vicious circle.

Dreams are free

My ultimate desire right now is to click on the NIИ’s performance page and see a concert date for Bulgaria.

Why the hell not!

Scheiße

Every now and then I find myself overwhelmed by an unconquerable feeling of uselessness and worthlessness; I feel like a parasite-not that I take advantage of people…more of that I occupy the place that belongs by right to someone that is more capable, cleverer, more giving, more than me in every human aspect.

Journey troubles

I’m not ashamed to admit that I truly envy those people who go on a journey abroad without reading even a single bit of information about the customs in the country they’re heading to; who pack there bags 10 minutes before leaving home by simply picking a bunch of T-shirts and a toothbrush (if it) and go blindfolded sort of speak. Since I’ll be traveling on my own I can’t afford such an easy-going though very tempting approach. I’ll be out of the country for 6 days only visiting just 2 foreign cities. Nevertheless I started my research months ago by collecting numerous links to various web guides, printing and studying maps of those 2 cities, marking the routes to and from my hotels, taking notes on public transportation, lines I should use, tickets, fees, coins that I’ll need for buying tickets from ticket machines and in what currency etc etc etc.
On an official Bratislava guide I found a warning (in very big letters) regarding ticket inspectors:

(quote) “Ticket inspectors in Bratislava are ruthless towards tourists.”

(quote) “Ask your fellow passengers to help you if you are being treated rudely by the ticket inspectors or insist on calling the police or your consulate.”

(quote) “Don’t let the public transport ruin your experience in Bratislava!”

Wow! That sounds just like home!

It is somewhat exciting how all that frustrating to the point of intimidation informational mess transforms into organized and much less scary system of rules and requirements and I begin to see the cities as if I’m already there. When that actually happens I’ll be in panic of course but hopefully it won’t be anything that a good cappuccino and a cigarette can’t fix. Yet, I wish I wasn’t going alone. Well, next time…

One evening with The God Of Fuck

Hell, yeah!!!
Fantastic, fantastic! Marilyn Manson’s show was an experience that covered all senses. I knew I was going to enjoy it but I had no idea it was going to be so fucking awesome! Today I can barely move my neck(head banging baby! There’s nothing like it!), my throat hurts because I screamed and yelled and sang and screamed and jumped and danced and screamed…did I mention that I screamed like crazy? It was a night to remeber!

Please, please, come again!