Underneath it all

This dead-end literally speaking situation is starting seriously to annoy me. Days usually start OK-I’m enthusiastic about the hours ahead, I’m making plans and basically I’m looking at my place in the big picture with good optimistic favorable eyes.
And just when everything seems if not perfect then at least acceptable evenings come coloring the bright picture in dark, blurring my clear vision.

I haven’t spoken honestly since I don’t even remember how long. If I am to be honest before me at least I must admit that silence is too heavy for me. On the other hand the complexity of my burden is too elaborate to be translated into sentences that would make sense. Life is a canvas and everything that happens (or doesn’t happen respectively) adds another texture to it (thanks, Aaron). The first layers chronologically can not be recognized anymore but they shape the outcome equally strong as the most recent ones. I wish I could dig in and reach those lower layers so that I would know how it all has started. I’m in the middle of the stairs and I have no clue how I have got there.

I made a promise to Dee Dee that I haven't signed in blood but it is as obligatory as if I have-to take pictures at Bratislava and Prague concerts and to turn the world inside out if I have to but to bring back autographs. The way I see it now the only way to acquire autographs is to throw myself in front of the tour bus :) For my sake I really hope I won’t have to go that far and other more decent opportunities will be presented.

I’m such an idiot! Everywhere I turn I see couples. No, I don’t envy them-relationships make me anxious; as if I’m taking an exam that I expect to fail at; but I can’t help feeling less of a person. I have no explanation on both of the questions that previous lines raise.

And I don’t think I can relate to anyone who has never said to him/herself: I’m such an idiot!