One is big as one’s dreams

I have my Utopia. I create mini-movies in my mind; I meet people I’ll never meet; I have conversations that’ll never be held. A very dangerous hobby that is; coming back gets harder and harder. Dreams are addictive because they can’t go wrong.

But Utopia is not the answer and I know it whether on subconscious level or acknowledged. Utopia is the desert island where I hide from the raging storm that’s trying to tear me apart. But once the storm is over I have no excuses for staying on my island. Yes, it is safe, nothing threatens me there but nothing happens either. It’s peaceful and boring to death.

There’s a saying that at the end one feels remorse not for what one has done but for what one hasn’t dare to do. Remorse about missed opportunities is the worst. Opportunities are about hope. I haven’t given up dreaming and that is a proof I still have hope because that’s what dreams are about. It is when you stop dreaming that you know you’re dead inside. The one that is me is still there; she’s just afraid to go out. Opportunities rarely knock on your door; you have to go out and meet them. I’m really trying to escape clichés but that is what a cliché really means: it’s a knowledge proved through multiple experience. I once read a story about a man who has had the perfect life: a loving family, wealth, a good reputation and respect. And he has lost it all. As he has been sorry for himself it has occurred to him he’s been the luckiest man on earth-he has been free to do whatever he has wanted because he has had nothing to lose.

I’m free to take chances-people can’t hurt me more than they already have.

Here’s another cliché: one feels good as much as one allows oneself to feel. And it is true; I would be a hypocrite to say otherwise. I know I’m looking for excuses most of the time and, of course, I find them. Very strong excuses that make me to believe myself. I know I’m right. People might put me in the dirt; it’s my fault if I choose to stay there. It’s a simple choice: I either stay down or I get up. The trouble is the longer I stay down the more I like it and I forget “all that could’ve been”. It changes the mind and if I don’t pay attention I might reach a point of no return.

My perception of people is totally wrong. I have very high expectations of them and I blame them for that. OK, sometimes it does seem like my friends talk of nothing but fashion and sales; SO WHAT?! It doesn’t mean I should condemn them as the scum of the universe! If I do that then I’m not better than those I despise.

People are different. What I see is the consequence and I should not even think of the reasons. I don’t want to be judged; I shouldn’t do it myself. If I accept that my mind will be free. It’s wrong to frame people because we can’t see further than the limits of our own minds. The flaws we see in other people are a reflection of our own flaws.