Bits & pieces

This is a transformed letter to a Spiral friend. I took the liberty to replace the “you” with “I” because when I was addressing her I actually meant me ;every word of advice that I gave to her was an advice I should follow myself. I’m posting it here because I have a short memory for self-criticism.

I think I might be making the mistake to look for a final solution; something (a word, a course of action) that would miraculously erase all the pain I’ve been through so far. I love to dream about it; it’s just like fairytales end-the princess is saved from the villains, justice is served, good prevails and everybody lives happily ever after. Well, it can’t and it won’t happen that way. I should accept it; I know I’m still waiting for my fairytale but it’s nowhere to be seen and my life seems a nightmare. I don’t say it is; I just say it seems that way only because the way it unfolds does not follow my fairytale scenario by the letter. And just because things don’t happen as I have dreamed them I decide they are not worth a nickel. I decide I don’t get what I want and the disappointment blackens my vision to acknowledge what I already have. I am aware I’m not the most miserable human being on this planet. There are thousands of people who would gladly switch places with me. What is it then that makes me so unrest, so insecure, so unsatisfied? Could it be I’m afraid to grow up?! Or, to put it more mercifully, not ready yet to grow up? I’m becoming more and more self-centered and that scares me. It’s a dead-end; it drives me to isolation; I spend more and more time in my dream world; my perspectives twist; I lose touch with reality; I can’t seem to recognize the good things in life anymore.

Whether I’m sad or not life goes on regardless of how I feel. I might be mad at the world but the world couldn’t care any less about it. I might be furious how unfair (and sometimes evil) people are but I can’t change them; it is how it is. If I keep on bashing my head in the wall of people’s indifference I’ll only end up with a terrible headache and blood on my head.

From all I’ve learned there’s one thing I’m positive about: it’s never too late to be surprised. I mean-in a good way (bad surprises are no surprises at all; I know they’re coming my way; bad things happen to everyone). Happiness comes in small doses; it comes, it goes away, then it comes back again. I can’t lock it in a cage and keep it forever.

I have figured out something-dark days just make me appreciate more the light in my life. The past is my enemy. Instead of moving forward I’m stuck in one place with my eyes looking back to where I’ve come from waiting and longing for revenge. And that is stupid, unreasonable and immature. And it’s up to me to fight those feelings ‘cause I’m the only one that cares.

I hate cowards…but I can’t help admitting that I behave like one too-I prefer to talk instead of act and I prefer to dream instead of to take a chance and to try to make my dreams come true. That’s why I started to challenge myself by doing things I never had the courage to do before. I fear traveling (I was refusing to travel within my own country; and it’s a small country) but I went abroad for the first time completely alone. OK, it was to see NIN live so I don’t know if that should count (I guess desire was stronger than fear) but still: 10 days on my own in 3 different countries (4 actually; Barcelona in February; Amsterdam, Berlin and Vienna in March); I had to speak only in English (that was heavy; I had my first ever real conversation in English in Barcelona). The whole thing seemed like a nightmare most of the time (I even got robbed in Barcelona) but nevertheless I was very happy to do it-I was no longer talking how much I’d like to be at a NIN concert; I actually did it. I’ll do it again in August; the thought of it makes me dizzy but I’m going anyway. In September I’ll take another challenge-I’m going to Istanbul (for a Tool concert; all credits go to Dee Dee) with more than 10 other people of which I know only one. All of them know each other; all of them are younger than me; all of them are cleverer and more fit to live than me; I suspect I’ll feel like a retard next to them. But I’ll do it because I’m sick of hiding behind excuses. And even if it goes wrong I won’t be sorry; I’ll know that I’ve at least tried.

Close friends…I kind of have one, perhaps even two but I’m not entirely sincere before them-I can’t explain to them the reasons for my unhappiness; I can’t put into words the essence of my frustration. Why try? The only one who can help me is me.

Friends…I have a few. Right now I’m really mad at my best friend-we were supposed to meet yesterday but she changed her mind because she had to do the laundry and to clean the house. WTF ?!? So the laundry is more important than me! The truth is solitary scares me. In such moments I’m all anger; I go from one café to another, I smoke tones of cigarettes and I write depressive entries in my journal trying to get even at least on paper because I can’t really criticize my friends in their faces; I can’t afford to tell them they make me feel betrayed when I need them most and they’re not there for me.

Parents…The one person I really hate is my father. I blame him for being a tyrant, for crushing my spirit at every occasion, for the attitude I have towards men (I’d rather be alone than to risk someone to yell at me “How can you be so stupid!”; hum…talking about cowards…). I hate my mother for not doing anything to defend me. That’s it. I can’t change what has been. Chewing the past helps me not. Yet my father has no idea he has done something wrong; on the contrary-he thinks I’m ungrateful. We don’t talk. Yes, we discuss movies, books, music; no more; we never talk as a parent and a child should; never have. I learned to keep silent so that he wouldn’t have any reason to shout at me.

I think about death every day. But I’m still alive because there are plenty of possibilities to try before choosing the ultimate one.

I’m not better nor worse than other people; just different and that comes with a certain price. I could change in order to be accepted-to change my looks, my behavior, to talk sweetly, to smile all the time. But I’d still feel miserable because it won’t be me. I have such thoughts sometimes-to replace my combat boots with high heels to attract men; to read beauty magazines so that I could discuss latest gossips and fashion with my coworkers. But, really, why would I want to attract men who lose head over a pair of legs; and why would I want to be respected by people I don’t respect in the first place?! For the sake of vanity? That’s a pretty good reason by the way. Everybody loves to be loved and everyone who denies it is a liar. I can’t decide whether I have a strong personality or am I just plain stubborn.

In conclusion: If you see an opportunity-grab it. It can’t get worse than it already is, can it? Chances come and go and you might miss them if you keep your eyes on yourself only.