Life can be different.
My life, that is. And "different" means "better". So why isn't it?
“Talking to myself all
the way to the station
pictures in my head of
the final destination…”
Feels like riding a
train with no windows. I miss the view outside. In such a moment hearing
the right song can break me into million pieces. And it did. People
are more interested in indulging their egos than to find understanding-as if people no longer consider any other way of communication. That makes me feel lonely-a feeling I'm too familiar with to want to avoid at all cost. What's wrong with being nice to one another?
“Today, today, today” is the
perfect morning mantra. It means a new hope every day. Is it foolish? Plain stupid and naive? Maybe; could be; who cares? It works; I don't need to know more. In a world of darkness
light is a savior. And the beauty of it is that every tomorrow is a new today.
5.28.13:
New NIN album finished, coming later this year
From TR: "I’ve been
less than honest about what I’ve really been up to lately. For the last year
I’ve been secretly working non-stop with Atticus Ross and Alan Moulder on a
new, full-length Nine Inch Nails record, which I am happy to say is finished
and frankly fucking great. This is the real impetus and motivation behind the
decision to assemble a new band and tour again. My forays intofilm, HTDA and
other projects really stimulated me creatively and I decided to focus that
energy on taking Nine Inch Nails to a new place. Here we go!
Stay tuned…"
Alright! I am excited…of course; I think...OK, I'm sure. Would’ve
been much more if my attention wasn’t already completely, totally, undeniably occupied
with 30 seconds to Mars :) That's the way life goes. But it’s good news nonetheless.
I realize perfectly well
that earning your bread and butter isn't supposed to be about fun and entertainment.
I’m quite OK with the innate boredom, inevitable stress and pressing deadlines.
What I’m not OK with is when my colleagues act as if work is a holy crusade and
is their sole reason for existence. I love you, my precious headphones.
Do you know that feeling
when your body seems to be too small to hold all the emotions you have inside
and as if it’s going to burst?; and you breathe in and in and in and it’s still
not enough?; and you don’t dare to even blink because you might miss something
special?; and the air oozes sweetness?
OK, what’s in the past stays in the past. First I must ditch guilt;
next-to think what I can do with the leftovers. Things look a lot different when when you stand on nothing but your own feet.
Oh my. What did I get myself into? I just became aware of a fact that made me feel so small, so insignificant, humble and frustrated, inspired and crushed at the same time. What is knowledge good
for if it comes too late?! To have good intentions is a good start but not more. I want to turn back time so I could make better
choices and keep an eye on every second of my life. Ignorant I am not but I know just enough to know what I know is not enough. Every comforting excuse I've ever had laughs at me now. Illusions feel good until you see them shattered to bits. You wouldn't want to be me right now.
It’s not that I’m
antisocial-I just start to feel homicidal if I have to listen to the same old,
never-ending, always so utterly egocentric chatter around. So retiring within the safety between my headphones in a
universe of my own is nothing but
altruistic.
Half a year ago the
company I work for moved to a new office. It’s actually a separate building
with a yard and a fence-almost like a dream home…except that it’s nothing like
it. The new office came with a dog-a 10 year old German shepherd that the
previous tenants left behind. His name is Ray but he couldn't care less how the
two-legged call him because he’s deaf. He also passes for the company talisman
now, sort of. Guess who looks after him? Yours fatefully-as singular, as
single-handedly. Everybody else says “What
a cutie” but no one else but me is willing to get his hands dirty.
He’s indeed a cutie and
is the sweetest soul ever:
Yesterday I went to one of the giant
supermarkets to buy him food (paid with my own money…of course). The girl at
the counter marked my groceries (dog food, dog food and dog food) and smiled at
me “ Didn't you get anything for you?” Ugh, the day I’ll put myself first will
be a sad one.
It is officially May 21st
everywhere. LLF+D is officially out-everywhere. Where the hell is my CD?!
Edit:
And because it is absolutely unknown if the CD will ever find its way to
this Godforsaken country I did the one thing I could under the circumstances: I
downloaded the album. And, no, that wasn't wrong because I already bought this
album twice (don’t ask) and I’ll be happy to receive at least one of the
copies. Plus, I have only a couple of weeks to get familiar with the music and
memorize the lyrics-I have to if I am to sing along, shout along and scream
along in Berlin.
Edit 2: I managed to listen to LLF+D back-to-back 5 times already. If you
could only see the smile on my face…Yes, I love it :)
For the past few weeks everything looks bad at first. And not just
bad-it looks hopeless initially. And what do I do? Do I melt into a sniffing
puddle of self-pity which used to be my trademark? To my surprise I don’t. On
the contrary-it only deepens my appetite for what I’m after. And then,
miraculously, it all works out well. It’s a fantastic sensation-unfamiliar but
fantastic. It is possible then. And why not-after all what’s the worst that can
happen? Most of the time it’s not so much about facts but more about perspective. And I love what I
see now.
It is May 17th
today and just like any other year it means it is TR’s birthday. Facebook
offers its support with a suggestion that makes me laugh every time I switch to
the FB tab:
Yeah, in my dreams :) Oops, almost forgot. Happy birthday, Trent!
This
gig, that is yet to come, already paid off.And I will keep my cheery mood even
if I have to cuff it. I didn't climb so high just to fall down without a fight.
I tend to see signs in even the most of trivial of occurrences-such is
my need to mystify life. I arrive at the bus stop 20 seconds prior to the
bus-lucky; I run into someone I've hoped never to see again-unlucky; I turn the
TV on at precisely the same moment when my favorite song for the week
starts-lucky; the fortune slip that comes with my latte sucks-unlucky. (I log
into my nin.com account right after TR-very lucky; I post in my blogs something
of a crucial importance for me and no one gives a damn-well...that's already a sheer catastrophe.)
And ever since I put into motion the idea of going to Berlin on June 6th and be at the 30
seconds to Mars gig I stumble upon hindrances at every step:
* in order to buy the concert ticket I needed my credit card…and I couldn't remember
where I've placed it. To find it took a whole afternoon, tones of unholy words
and a strenuous and disturbing inner debate regarding my sanity (not to
mention the mess around the house that got almost trashed). Never mind-found it! Ah!
* then it was Amazon: I went to purchase the 3 albums so far and
pre-order the new one. “This is war” was out of stock and I had to opt for the
deluxe edition-that’s 10 extra dollars but I’m not counting-I need to be square
and fair with this band. But! The new album will be delivered AFTER June 6th.
Damn.
Oh, well…
* next: plane ticket. Departure time from Sofia
is perfect-early afternoon, but I’ll have to fly back from Berlin
late in the evening and land in Sofia
even later. Shit. And as I tried to buy it an error occurred-there was some
problem with the online banking system, bla-bla-bla, and I had to leave it for
tomorrow. Scheisse.
Forgot “Oh, well…”
* on to: hotel reservation. I always book the hotel nearest to the
venue. But I found out that ALL the hotels near the venue were already sold
out. What the…!? Oh, …
I’ve never had so many troubles organizing a concert trip.
Now, if I were to interpret all those obstacles as signs I would've given up at step 1. And I would've-given I believed there was such a thing as
destiny. Luckily I don’t. Right now the one thing I believe in is that I want
to be there, that I shouldn't allow anything to stand in the way between me and
such a simple wish as attending a rock concert, that I’m fucking sick of being
scared by the unknown and of always playing on the safe side. You know why I want
to go so badly? I'll tell you anyway: because I had a vision of my life if I don’t-flat, eventless, neat, with no memories to make me smile. I want some quality fun before Death asks for me. It is as simple as that.
And signs can go to hell.
P.S. Just in case there is
destiny and I’ve touched a nerve-come on, be a good sport, umm? I couldn't have
possibly messed up that much as to deserve no help from the higher-ups.
Here’s to a brand new day, lucky turns and happy endings; to love, life
and everything in between; to hopes, dreams and wild hearts; to courage, daring
and blind faith.
I saw the video “Up the
air” on MTV Rocks. The MTV version is slightly different from what I saw
on YouTube because: all the scenes in
which Dita Von Teese rides the pink mechanical bull are censored; there’s
the word “fuck” in the lyrics but you don’t hear it or lip-read it that is
censored too; and there’s Ashley Smith giving the finger-also censored.
Are you sane? Each day I see on music televisions numerous videos in
which female flesh is exposed and used in such a manner that is way more vulgar
and insulting than the already common “F” word. I guess to show you are pissed
off is considered more dangerous than the message that women as a gender are
indecent. P.S. As for Dita-she can make even riding a merry-go-round look dirty; may she be blessed :)
