On a Sunday like this

That’s it! I have had enough and I’m not going to take it anymore-I’m changing my Internet provider! 4 days of being cut off of the www; 5 calls to the support team until finally someone decides to do something and fix the problem. I had the stupidity to pay in advance for a half of year and as soon as that period is through those assholes can kiss me goodbye!

All the preparations are done (I sound like Renfield in "Bram Stoker's Dracula")-flying tickets are booked, hotel rooms-booked. I’m still hoping for a miracle so that DeeDee could join me too-not because I’ll feel safer and more comfortable with a companion but because I know how much she wants to be there and it really hurts me that she might miss all the fun. I don’t want to tell her later how it has been; I want her to be next to me and see for herself. One of my most vivid memories is the start of “Head like a hole” on 29^th of March-we looked at each other, there was no need to say a word; we knew it was “the beginning of the end”. The ending of a great experience is painful because you never know if there’s going to be a next time and that is one of the main reasons for my traveling in August. To some people such an excitement over an hour and a half experience might seem absurd but that is all I care about. Hey, at least I care about something.

Marilyn Manson is playing in Sofia in just a week from now. There’s a giant billboard at the bus stop where I wait every morning. And every morning I forget it’s there; and every morning it surprises me when I see it. Sometimes that billboard is the only reason to smile for the entire day.

Curious thing-MM is playing on one stage with Type O’Negative (not alongside but one after the other). I find the presentation absurd-TON are just mentioned on the poster as if they are simply a support band and the whole advertising campaign is organized around MM which is ridiculous. I hope there won’t be clashes between the two bands fans…I hope they won’t change the venue at the last moment which is very likely to happen if there’s a big interest in the event-the Academic Stadium is some 300 m away from home and I just have to walk a very short street to get there. I made the smart move to take the day of the concert off-there’s no way for me to enjoy anything at all after 9 hours at work. At the end of a working day I care about no one and nothing at all.

As much as I think about suicide it is highly unlikely to take that thought further…at least while my parents are still alive. I do not know why-when I think about them the word “love” is missing in the list. As about afterwards-hopefully my excessive smoking will take care of that and spare me the doubts.

Oh, boy, such an immature thinking-people my age (I don’t say “women”) are supposed to be settled down, to have families…and children (in this very moment a couple of rascals at the table are screaming and shouting like crazy and the only way for me to calm down it to picture how I twist their necks, those little monsters!).

In two days I’ll be 34. 34! I don’t feel even 20. That is so unfair. Maybe a should take a day off on Tuesday too and just hide from all the hypocrites that will want to greet me. I don’t need their attention once an year and see their false smiles. Where are they when I debate whether to throw myself over a bridge? Unfortunately I’m too much of a coward to say that in their faces so I’ll have to bite my tongue, swallow the blood and simply smile back. Such a nice little hell I have build for myself.