Last night

Last night was a nightmare extended. Nothing specific happened to cause such depths of despair that I found myself in. Each day provided little portions of pain and when that pain goes unspoken and unhealed it just accumulates and at a certain point it becomes a burden too heavy for a mind to carry. Yesterday added another drop to the river of sorrow that I swim in for the past 15 years and I simply drowned in it. One would say that I should’ve learned by now how to keep myself on the surface but that has never been a pleasurable activity but a survival test sapping my strength to its end.
I swore never to throw a tantrum again. I swore never to show my emotions. I swore never to claim understanding and appreciation. I swore never to wait for forgiveness. I swore never to hope people to see things from my perspective.
I gave up life last night. I wanted to die more than ever and I meant it.