19 02 2007 Razzmatazz, Barcelona, Spain

I need to focus. And I need to sleep. But most of all I need to get my hands on more NiN concert tickets.

I wrote that entry yesterday. I’m putting it in my blog as it was written – chaotic, rough and somewhat sleazy. That was me yesterday.

15 hours later and still all I can say is : He’s a man of flesh and blood ! And, oh, errr…there are tears in my eyes - I don’t know why. I’ll blame it on the lack of sleep…for now.

The first thing to do when I get home is to check if there are any tickets left for March 21, 24 and 29. I have to make sure.

I FUCKING LOST MY GROUND !!!

Something has happened. The chain of good events got broken. Or maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m out of perspective at the moment and I can’t appreciate what is presented to me. This is what happens when you want something so bad. I wanted it all but I didn’t get it. Patience. Just be patient. – Yeah, I know. It’s just that I feel quite miserable at the moment; that’s all.

I was afraid to look at the stage. Little fragments of the concert start to pop up on the surface and to form a clearer memory of last night-just like pieces of a puzzle they form a picture. Just like that one: everyone from the band got on stage and Mr.R came last through clouds of smoke – lame but very impressive. One moment the place was empty; the next moment he was already there. I couldn’t help screaming. And I screamed throughout that hour and a half. On numerous occasions some girls tried to push me out of my spot but I just pushed back-there was no way I was moving from there.

I’m constantly on the edge of bursting into tears but it shouldn’t count-I guess it’s a normal reaction.

I feel special though-being probably the only Bulgarian at that show.

OK, it WAS shocking - facing my dream. A dream I’ve had half my conscious life; a dream I thought was impossible; it was shocking to see that dream in flesh 7 feet away from me.

Memories are a blur still.

I got in front of Razzmatazz at 4.30 PM. NIИ started at 9.30 pm. 5 impossible hours of waiting.

At 4.30 pm there was already a small group of about 15 Spirales waiting at The Spiral entrance. I couldn’t take my eyes off of them-the first NIИ fans to see in my life ! They were all Spanish and they knew each other apparently – talking and laughing all the time. I spent an hour sitting on the steps of the club next to them waiting for the box office to open and to pick up my ticket. Luckily Josep showed up at 5.30 PM; he was very sweet asking “Are you balance ?”. I was so glad to have a company; someone to talk to; and I couldn’t stop talking. At some point I felt really embarrassed but he said “It’s not a problem; I just don’t talk much”.

I was second row; all the other Spirales were first row. Being in the second row is good-1^st row makes good defense against metal bars in front of the stage.

When the crowd was jumping I wasn’t – I was afraid not to smash someone’s feet; with those combat boots I wouldn’t feel it until someone screams in pain. Not that I would’ve heard it.

Being so close to the stage surely is a compromise with the quality of sound. But…nothing compares with being showered with water spilled from the bottles by the man himself ! Yeah, it’s a fan talk – but I am a fan.

ERASER was demolishing. I wanted to die right there on the spot. Just as I wanted that when Josep told me there had been Meet & Greet the day before at about 5 PM; and that if I had happened to be there I might had had a chance to get in and be present. Blast ! And a second blast !!

I had a chance to by a tour T-shirt but I missed it because I wanted to take a good spot. Next time; thank god there’ll be a next time.

It was already passing 6.30 PM when the box office finally opened. By that time I was completely mad-checking the time every 5 min; it was cold, I was freezing. Josep just said “It’s Spain”. Huh !

I GOT MY TICKET !!!! I literally jumped at the end of The Spiral queue and some moron from the club came to tell me I wasn’t suppose to wait there because by the regulations only 18 people were supposed to wait in that line ?! WTF ?!? So me and Josep just kept on waiting right in front of The Spiral sign making jokes about the Spirales because as if they were imprisoned between the metal bars. Josep said it probably makes them look cool. Oh…whatever. Finally a woman from the band’s entourage showed up and told us that of course we have the right to wait with the other Spirales since we were from the fan club. Justice was served ! And I did get in an hour earlier than everybody else ! It’s good to be a Spiraler !!!

I almost cried during HURT although I heard almost nothing of it because everybody was singing along. And THE FRAGILE in an almost acoustic version – oh, dear…

And we were the first to hear SURVIVALISM live !!! It was funny : “You may have heard we have a new album coming soon. If you haven’t I’m telling you – we have a new album coming soon. It will be out for real in April but you can steal it probably in a couple of weeks. ”. Really ?! You don’t say ! Who knew ?! :))))

Next time I’ll be with a white T-shirt. Wearing a black uniform is not very funny.

I’ve been away from the country for just a few days but I find it quite hard to adjust to…everything that was BEFORE. I went to a coffee shop and I almost ordered in English. I listen now to people around me and what they talk about seems ridiculous. I look at people in search of the NIИ logo on their clothes but there is none; in the same time it feels as if that logo is imprinted on my forehead. I feel an urge to stop people and tell them: I’ve been to my first NIИ concert !!! First but not last. That is some consolation to hold on to not to fall into pieces.

At this hour yesterday I was hundreds of miles west sitting on steps of Razzmatazz !!!

I can’t write a concert review. I suffer from serious emotional exhaustion. I can’t smile right now. Maybe I just need some sleep. Hopefully that is all I need. My head feels like a balloon .

No, I didn’t bring any NIИ souvenirs. I brought back a broken mind.

I want more. And more. And more.
It’s not wrong to want more of what makes you feel good, is it ?

Was it worth it ?
Hell, yeah !

Would I do it again ?
You bet !

Nothing compares to chasing a dream.

19 02 2007 Razzmatazz, Barcelona, Spain - The set list

1 Pinion
2 Wish
3 The Collector
4 Heresy
5 Terrible Lie
6 Piggy
7 Closer
8 The Becoming
9 Deep
10 Help MeI'm In Hell
11 Eraser
12 Reptile
13 The Fragile
14 Survivalism
15 Only
16 Suck
17 You Know What You Are
18 Hurt
19 Hand That Feeds
20 Head Like A Hole

SURVIVALISM - live for the first time ever !!!

ERASER

Pictures from the show


It’s obvious what’s on the left side of the photo. And what’s on the right side contains Me, I’m not. And it was found in Razzmatazz. On Feb 19. By a fan. Unfortunately not by me. I had no idea I was suppose to be looking for anything. Next thing fans will come to the shows equipped with spy gadgets and metal detectors.