Is that it?
Strange are the early morning hours when for some the day is yet to come to a closer while others just step into their next 24 hours of delusion - the duality of everything evident even in the possible different perception of such a simple matter. Under the veil of darkness when there is no vanity to distract the mind emotions make way to reason and everything looks too obscured or too clear but never as it appears in the light of the zombifying mundane fuss. A short opening in the wall keeping me in my cell. The taste of the limitless possibilities runs through my body warm as a ray of sunlight on a freezing winter’s day and I’m reluctant to go back to the cold routine-the glimpse of all there could be awakens to life senses I thought were petrified through the years of repetition of rituals disguised as time-saving skills. Getting up, instant coffee, Euronews, weather forecast, shower, breakfast, bus, office, office, office, bus, home, dinner, TV, book, sleep. The Groundhog day-only not as fun when I play the leading part. Now and then in the morning I rebelliously snatch some time off and play some music in the comfort of my headphones as if to prove to myself I am still the master of my own life. And then the contrast becomes painfully visible. The “other life”, the one inside the invisible fence, makes me feel like a toy that is played with. Do toys dream to become alive? Isn’t it better to have a life of fallacy without realizing it than to be aware of it with no chances to escape it? And if I could choose what would it be? But I can choose-then I must have made the choice already.
Am I the only one longing for something that can not be bought because it has no price?
posted by balance at
11:12 AM
3 Comments:
You mean... you want something you can never have... ;)
BUT if you have the ability to realise this, then you are one of the lucky ones. Yes, a LUCKY one, who, even if there aren't very many choices one can make, at least is AWARE of the fact that there are some.
To be aware, to be conscious of something, even if it is something painful, means that you have an intellect, intelligence, emotions, that you THINK with your own head.
Somehow I don’t feel lucky, Milla-just lonely. As if I speak a language no one else understands-makes me doubt everything that goes through my mind. Being aware is not enough to make a difference but for the life of me I don’t know where to begin from.
Today I came from work, turned on internet and started to read your blogs... archive... and everytime I read you, I realise how much we are alike.
Everyday I am asking myself from which planet did I come , what am I doing here, why do I see everything different like others, why can't I speak about things and life open?
As you said...
"As if I speak a language no one else understands-makes me doubt everything that goes through my mind."
THAT'S SO FUCKING TRUE!
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