Saturday, May 07, 2011

“Black Swan” and consequential babble


At last a few weeks ago I found myself in the right frame of mind to see it. I wanted to make sure I’d devote it my full attention undisturbed by whatever spiritual issues my mind seems to be so fond of. Finally a window of opportunity opened and I plunged through.

I’m still not sure what to make of that movie. It was both surprising and yet so close to my nature. ‘cause I do know how perpetual insecurity and self-doubt feel like just as I know what it is like to crave for something and to (think you) know you’re just not good enough to ever have it. Or…to realize it would be because you’re too good…too good-natured that is, to fight your way to the object of your desire. It is as simple as that-the world is a vicious place and good manners will get you nowhere in the battle for survival. Does the cause justify the means? All I want is to be happy but if the road to happiness goes over other people’s toes then I’ll lose myself along the way and end up just as miserable ‘cause the person at the end will not be the one I was at the start.

“Black Swan” is more than a good movie-it is a piece of art because its voice didn’t just go through me but stuck and echoed. It raises a question not everyone has the guts to answer. How far would you go in pursuit of your dreams? How well do you know yourself? Can you trust yourself?

Huh.
I am a coward. I’m neither proud nor happy with it. It’s who I am but…I hope I am many other things as well. It takes a lifetime to learn how to keep the balance between your good and bad traits. The trick is to get up after each fall, dust yourself and prey for the mercy to be forgiven for you weakness.

One of my best friends says I’m the most tolerant person she knows. Why wouldn’t I be? No one is perfect. I have to forgive if I am to be forgiven in return.  I am amazed that people fail to comprehend such a simple logic.

Ah, but I know why-because forgiveness demands to give up one’s ego. Unfortunately people love their egos too much to give them up for the sake of peace and happiness. That is so saddening.

There are moments when I believe with my very being that everything is possible and I can do just about anything I want. It is an amazing sensation to feel free, to feel the master of your desires and in total control of your life. And then reality knocks on my door and wakes me up.  Total control requires total solitude and life matters only when shared. At least for me it is so.

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