I just want something I can never have

Stunned

2012-02-16T17:10:00.003+02:00

Today everybody seems to have gotten out of the wrong side of bed. Too bad it had to be on a day when I’m over receptive to people’s emotional status. The wave of blind hostility and plain grudge is crushing. Can I pretend today never happened at all?

“Fear leads to anger; anger leads to hate; hate leads to suffering”

Yeah, tempting the Dark side is. But it is not the only alternative is it? What would be the excuse for choosing it?

Today never happened. It is either that or assuming that people behave badly just because.

In expectancy

2012-02-15T17:13:00.003+02:00

One of these days the long not only by me awaited new HTDA will see the light of day.

One of these days spring will vanquish winter.

One of these days my sadness will kiss me farewell.

One of these days I’ll stop crying whenever I think about Vincent.

As long as there are enough of “these days” to choose from...

Heart shaped and sentimental

2012-02-14T11:06:00.002+02:00

Those who have found it-don’t take it for granted and cherish it; those who have not yet-smile ‘cause you might be just about to bump into it. I mean love of course, and I bow to its power. Valentine’s Day may be trivial but love is never so. The best things in life are free so don’t get greedy of your love and give it away-it will come back to you.

Breathe…in…slowly

2012-02-11T09:16:00.007+02:00

My mornings are always magical…until the moment a being of human nature gets in the way. Dramatic sniffle, noisy tea sipping, idle “Am-I-not-the-centre-of-the-universe” chit-chat-oh, couldn’t you make your physicality less tangible and try not to occupy all of my private space? No one’s perfect but bluntness is not a flaw I’m particularly tolerant of.

Just give me some room and let the dream continue a bit longer. I need my mornings pure.

Off guard

2012-02-09T17:15:00.000+02:00

Some days reality is too thick to swim in without friction. Nothing a good sleep can’t heal though but I’d rather choose a different remedy. Patience is the key to peace of mind. Everything in its own good time.

The sweetest thing

2012-02-07T09:33:00.001+02:00

I want one!

Footnote

2012-02-06T17:09:00.006+02:00

I didn’t even bother to listen to the whole Social Network soundtrack (the sample was err, unimpressive) and it won an Oscar. Now I’m obsessed with TGWTDT soundtrack and it wasn’t even nominated. Go figure.

+ vs -

2012-02-06T08:00:00.000+02:00

That “+” polarity of mine...it must be an irritation to a bystander; I can see myself through the eyes of a stranger. But it’s a momentum I must jump on and ride until it sickens me. That’s how it is done-one step at a time. Like walking on ice with slippery boots.

Mind the details

2012-02-05T16:12:00.001+02:00

An episode of Castle on TV, a pot of hot green tea, an wool blanket to wrap my frozen body with-right now that’s just enough for me to feel good about my life. And tomorrow I’ll find something else to be happy about. Indeed, the trick is not to have more but to need less. Philosophically speaking of course. Practical philosophy is highly underestimated.

Stargazing

2012-02-04T09:26:00.001+02:00

My horoscope for today orders: Be truthful and unedited today. Turn off your filters and just talk!

Hmm, it sounds like a hell of a good plan. OK, let’s see how it goes. There’s nothing to fear but the fear itself, right?

Right. And that’s what I must focus on-everything I need is inside my mind; and my world is what I make of it.

Please wait while reality shuts down

2012-02-03T13:28:00.003+02:00

Wistful

2012-02-02T17:12:00.000+02:00

Why did I have to go to that pet store yesterday, oh why? On entering I found myself face to face with the loveliest Chihuahua. Those begging sad eyes, that tiny toy-like body shivering with excitement that the funny looking creature staring at him might be the one to rescue him from his cage and take him to his new home. I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. I want that Chihuahua. He’s quite expensive but it isn’t money that stops me. How can I jump into the deep when I know I’ll drown? And yet I can’t stop thinking about him.

Duh.

Aerial

2012-01-30T17:19:00.000+02:00

Attachments. They complete you to a whole. But I see a trick in that-it adds reality to your existence. The thicker your presence is-the more vulnerable you are; the more you have-the more there is to lose…and your fear grows. The perfect balance is an utopia, a beautiful dream that can only exist in the premises of the mind. Real happiness is always momentary-we can only remember it has happened.

Each day as if I’m getting closer and closer to freedom-freedom form remorse, bitterness, regret, envy. It feels so strange to realize that playing a martyr gives me neither comfort nor content anymore, none what so ever. Whiners whine to attract sympathy. I don’t need sympathy. I need love, universal love. And if I am to attract it I have to become light.

The consolation of the one who can afford to willingly reject one’s never claimed possessions in exchange for freedom.

Compulsively optimistic

2012-01-27T12:47:00.000+02:00

Each day that passes brings me closer to spring, to freedom, to the new life I wish for myself. That alone is enough to make me fall asleep smiling.

Bad-Worse-Worst

2012-01-26T09:35:00.001+02:00

People’s fictional dramas are starting to really piss me off.

Truly dramatic situations are limited in scenarios. If you’re not terminally ill, if you’re not disabled in any way, if you’re not in the gutter beating your brains how to make ends meet, if you’re in one piece and there’s food on your table and roof over your head, if your loved ones are well and secure-then, please, shut the fuck up and be quietly grateful for the privilege to have a normal life ‘cause there are plenty others not as lucky as you.

"Merciful death, how you love your precious guilt."

2012-01-22T10:41:00.004+02:00

“Interview with the vampire” was on TV last night and I watched it again-for the twentieth time probably. That movie and Gary Oldman’s Dracula are the reason why I used to think I liked vampire movies. I do, indeed, but very few vampire movies proved to be nearly half as good as those two. Pity.

I looked for the opening titles music score (beautiful piece of music) and while listening to it I noticed the catchphrase “Drink from me and live forever” on the poster. “Live forever”? Hmm. Does anyone really want that? Longer-probably…OK, most definitely but forever?! I don’t see the bargain in it. One has to mind one’s wishes.

Quietly wondering

2012-01-20T17:11:00.002+02:00

Early in the morning and late in the evening people’s faces I catch a glimpse of on the bus radiate no emotional IQ what so ever. They look savage, prehistoric, as I imagine pre-humans to have looked like before inventing words to name emotions. But then again animals seem to do pretty well with emotions-then maybe the purpose of language is just to lie convincingly?

"THINKING OUT LOUD"

2012-01-15T07:15:00.003+02:00

sometimes words just get in the way

TGWTDT

2012-01-14T09:51:00.005+02:00

I feel idiot-like whenever my mind steps into the role of an unbiased bystander just to make the crude observation that my life goes in weekly cycles of being an M-F office zombie occasionally awaking her senses on the weekends; as if I am to earn a gold medal or something to keep me warm in the evenings… but that is a different and not so interesting story.

That is why I saw “The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo” last Sunday (oh, my, that seems ages ago!) but found time to write about its effect on me a week later. Hmm, not that I have much to say-better go and see it for yourself. Some will love it, some will probably hate it but no one will have a dull moment throughout those 158 min and that’s for sure but although I am ready to recommend TGWTDT to anyone at the same time I know I will never want to see it a second time. I go to a movie again (in some cases-many times again) only when it puts me in an emotional state I’d want to fall into once more. But in that movie there’s no emotion I’d want to reply.

So here I go:

N deliberately missed the rape scene; I knew about it and when it came I sneak out to the bathroom. I didn’t see why I should inflict such a torment on me. (And for the first time the multi-cubicle public bathroom felt spooky and frightening. It was all empty and quiet and I realized that no one would hear me if I screamed…taken I had a reason to, God forbid!)

N Daniel Craig’s anti-James Bond image; how come some men look fabulous even when they look shabby? Yummy.

N the soundtrack, of course; the primal reason for going to the movie in the first place. And...(I don’t know how else to put it)…I didn’t quite pay attention to it-so absorbed I was in the plot and the ups and the downs (mostly downs) of the characters. Hmm, maybe I should after all see it again-this time for the sake of the music alone. Not that I don’t have the soundtrack already but I need to be sure for myself exactly how audio and video mix which I failed to notice the first time.

N Lisbeth knocked on an apartment’s door and the guy that opened it was wearing a T-shirt with the Nine Inch Nails logo on it. I might have produced a sound of surprise and satisfaction :) I might have been the only one in the theatre :(

N speaking of Lisbeth I just have to mention how much I loved her image. It so happened that I had my combat boots on that day and after leaving the movie theatre to take a stroll on the empty sidewalks as the evening was putting the daylight to sleep my temper was jumpy and my heart felt reckless; a classic “You talkin’ to me?” case. (relax; no one got hurt-neither I nor anyone else)

N last (for now) but not least: the much talked about, re-shared and re-played opening title sequence; an unexpected treat I’m still not fed up with:

Fake it till you make it

2012-01-08T11:06:00.000+02:00

Yesterday’s fortune cookie: “I may be growing old but I refuse to grow up”.

I hope to never get so old as to give up dreaming. To dream is to hope; to hope is to feel good there will be a tomorrow; to know that whatever shit falls on you today tomorrow will wash it away.

Dreams are a life simulator. Real life always feels bumpier but the key (I hope) is to practice, practice, practice until it finally goes smoothly.

Ah…OK, here’s the deal.

Despite the rose-coloredness in my words I am not an idiot (you’ll have to take my word for it). I know (first hand, alas!) that life sucks. But I also learned (or was rather taught a lesson) that life doesn’t suck all the time.

It just doesn’t pay off to resist the instinct for life. I’m here, brought to this world. I may not have wanted it; I may sometimes (true-not as often as before-good!) wish I’ve never been born at all but what’s done is done and it’ll be undone (once again against my will…probably) when my time runs out. However, the one thing I am in control of is the way I feel about that time in between so I might as well at least try to enjoy it. It might work; it might not. But the only sure way to lose is not to give it a try at all.

NB

2012-01-02T10:50:00.002+02:00

Indeed-the greatest and most rewarding power is the control over your own self.

Thump!

2011-12-28T13:00:00.001+02:00

On Monday I finally saw “The girl with the dragon tattoo” trailer. Of course I’d seen it numerous times before but on youtube while this time I saw it the way it had to be seen-in a movie theatre, on a big screen with image and sound inexorably storming all senses like an avalanche. It was a peculiar sensation-as if electricity ran through my body triggering a chain of fireworks in my nervous system. Mmm… Sometimes I fear that one day I might wake up with my heart indifferent to any uplifting emotion that makes life worth enduring. It’s good to know that day isn’t coming yet.

It never hurts to dream

2011-12-26T08:58:00.000+02:00

Although I couldn’t care less about some fairytale that allegedly has taken place some 2011 years ago I don’t mind the fairytale of love and compassion that people fall prisoners of around Christmas. So what if it doesn’t last long? So what if it’s somewhat hypocritical? At least for a week people delude themselves the world is a better place. And maybe with time they’ll tell that lie so many times they will one day make it the truth. I do know it will never happen so…but I need to believe the impossible is possible to make it through the day. And the next one. And the one after the next one. And who knows, a miracle might happen for a change.

Sweet dreams...

"All we need is love"

2011-12-24T17:42:00.000+02:00

It felt really good to play Santa for the past couple of weeks. I spent a small fortune on presents and already gave most of them away. It was priceless to see the spark of surprise and joy in people’s eyes. I can only hope at least one of them will say a little pray for me tonight. Love is the best gift one can hope for.

R.I.P. my beloved Vincent

2011-12-24T08:52:00.001+02:00

I love you, my precious one-always and forever.

My heart still bleeds.

Less is more...still

2011-12-21T15:01:00.000+02:00

Things do not have to be elaborate in order to feel meaningful or valuable or just plain magical. Simplicity just clears off inner vision from petty unnecessary distractions granting all your undivided attention to the beauty of life in its hidden humble splendor. It doesn’t take much to be human. And, sadly, it takes even less not no be.

Even

2011-12-14T17:46:00.001+02:00

So I downloaded all IAMX albums, I listened to the music and fell in love with it; it brought me comfort and immense joy and fueled my dreams. The next step was to return the favor by the only way possible-paying for it, which is, needless to say, vital for an independent band. Hmm, it didn’t run as smooth as I expected. I was half way through registering when I came to the field “country”-a drop-down menu from which I was supposed to pick Bulgaria. Guess what! Bulgaria was not on the list! Scheiße! I was 1/3 confused and 2/3 embarrassed-there was probably a good reason my country was off that list. Such as not enough legal album purchases for example. Duh! But I wasn’t going to give up so I pushed my brain and came up with a short (“keep it short, keep it simple”) but emotional letter to the girl in charge for the IAMX online shop. I didn’t hesitate to include lines such as “How am I supposed to even hope to see IAMX in my country when it’s not even on their map” and “Sure, Bulgaria still has quite a number of issues to tackle but it is nonetheless a part of this world and your site does state “We ship worldwide”. It is only in such moments that I wish I was born in another, more settled country. Anyway, in a few hours I received a very kind reply reassuring me that although Bulgaria was not one of the official options I could still place an order-I simply had to pick from the list the country nearest to mine. There were some more troubles concerning payment but finally the money transfer was confirmed and my order dispatched. Now, I do realize some people would see no point what so ever in what I am to say next but: if the merchandise indeed reaches me I’ll be very happy but I’ll consider that a bonus, an unexpected Christmas present-because I already got what I wanted which was to pay. Now my conscience is clear and I can keep on listening to my mp3 files without feeling guilty I’ve stolen them. It took the exchange of 7 emails in total (and some money...of course) but the trouble was well worth it not only for the aforementioned but also for the line Céline bothered to include in her first reply to me “Please be sure that IAMX does not forget their Bulgarian fans”.

Ah, I do hope it is so!

OK, I wrote that over the weekend and today, ah, today my order arrived! Oh, happy day :)) Thank you, Céline!

One little piggy…

2011-12-04T10:03:00.000+02:00

found a new home in my living room:

Infatuation contagious

2011-11-26T08:06:00.008+02:00

Last week my mom came to see me. When I got home after work I noticed (well, it was impossible not to) that there was something wrong with the way she walked-slowly and limping slightly. It turned out that on the way to the apartment she tripped over a hole in the sidewalk and fell. Luckily she got away only with a twisted ankle and bruises but nothing’s broken. But as she sat on the couch all drooping and apparently still in pain I felt sorry for her and tried to cheer her up so for the next half an hour the living room became a catwalk and I paraded with each peace of rag I had bought for the past couple of months. The mere fact I had embarked on shopping was already a surprise for her but she was genuinely shocked by my new choice of style-feminine, eye-catching and even err, seductive. She absolutely approved but was curious to know what had triggered the change. That’s how I got to act 2 of the entertainment-I told her about my latest obsession with IAMX and their gig in Prague that I had wanted so much to go to and since I hadn’t made it and saved my bank account the travel expenses I had decided to spend those money anyway and do me some good. And then I asked if she was curious to hear a song from that band; “Why not?” she said. I took my SONY MDR-XD 100 (the best headphones ever!) and the mp3 player and played (of course) “This will make you love again”. When the song was over she asked for some more and I played a few more songs. It was already quite late so we had to call it a night but she insisted to have all IAMX albums so she could listen to them and I was more than happy to oblige :) She said it’d been long since she last had liked something so much. Me too, mom, me too.

“So that’s the band you wanted to go and see live.”

“Yes, that’s the band.”

“You should’ve gone.”

Damn, I know I should’ve.

Check, please

2011-11-25T07:29:00.001+02:00

I woke up with my ears popping, sore throat and the firmness of a jelly-fish. Sick?! I can’t afford to be sick-not when each day seems like my last day at least. Did I push too hard my capacity for vigour yesterday and burnt out all my vital resources? It’s possible-when you catch a good wave you just enjoy the ride and getting off is the last thing on your mind. Anyway, yesterday felt so good that the price seems fair.

I heard this in a movie “Make pain your teacher, not your master”. It sounded familiar-like something I’ve figured out for myself already. If you can’t beat them, join them. Perseverance is a virtue but stubbornness is not-the sooner you learn to make the difference, the better.

Redecoration

2011-11-24T19:01:00.000+02:00

It’s fun to explore my feminine power-fun, surprising, invigorating…and with a slight touch of disappointment. I knew image was important and yet… Hmm. A pair of high heels and tight jeans and all of a sudden my existence in this world is acknowledged-as if I have bought a VIP ticket allowing me access to the backstage of life. To my astonishment the masquerade works. What I find even stranger is that the warmth of the limelight feels cozy to bathe into. Does that make me shallow? Taken out of context I suppose that my newly developed fling with vanity could be referred to as shallowness. I, however, being a key ingredient of the background would call it catching up with the playfulness and the carefree state of mind of youth whose show is drawing to its end and the curtains are about to come down so it is now or never. Shallow and exhilarated or profound and miserable? I don’t have time for wrong choices.

My first little black dress

2011-11-21T18:31:00.002+02:00

And no, it doesn’t come with a complementary whip. I'm in love with it.

Taking a note

2011-11-17T19:42:00.002+02:00

Fear doesn’t pay. One of those simple things you get to learn the hard way.

The beautiful people

2011-11-12T16:02:00.000+02:00

Beauty builds up on many levels and eye-pleasing physical appearance is a good but neither solid enough nor self-sufficient ground. It’s always helpful to have a backup plan for the rainy days that eventually come for everyone. Not to mention that it seems more reasonable to invest in longer-lasting assets.

The Chauffeur

2011-11-12T10:03:00.001+02:00

It strikes me that Chris Corner’s singing live sounds as equally fantastic as on records. Great performance. Simon Le Bon seems a bit uncomfortable sharing the song with that particular voice.

To have and to hold

2011-11-11T09:17:00.000+02:00

One of the girls I work with (there’s 5 of us in the room, we’re all over 30 but we’ll always be girls, alright?) is nuts about astrology and she thinks it is her mission to share her knowledge on the moon and the stars and all the other visible and non-visible celestial bodies filling the cosmos to the benefit of her ignorant colleagues. So a few days ago, based ob birth date and hour, she made for each one of us a romantic forecast i.e. it was focused on the relationships and marriages destined for us. Frankly speaking I was hoping she would lose interest until my turn came but, alas!, it was not in my stars to be skipped. Her verdict, announced aloud for everybody present to hear, was that a) I have a tendency for secret affairs (umm, not entirely incorrect) and b) I will marry twice (?!) but it’ll happen somewhere later in my life, in the distant future. OK, let me play with the idea. Such a scheme perfectly suits my preference to live free as a bird and when there will be nothing else left for me to amuse myself with then, who know, I might (just might) try that out as well; just to make sure I haven’t miss anything significant.

Huh, what a nonsense. I will never understand why people make such a fuss about marriage. What I want is fireworks and butterflies tickling inside my belly, I want to be lost in the feeling but to be lost with The One (or else why bother?), I want a higher ground to walk on, I want to be so happy I’d want to be me, just me and no one else. And I absolutely don’t see what that has to do with marriage.

Word game

2011-11-06T08:25:00.002+02:00

I got “patient, genuine, peaceful, restless”. One of them is somewhat flattering so I have to hold my peace about it but the other three fit me like a glove.

The craving

2011-11-05T18:07:00.000+02:00

Must be wonderful to free yourself out of the box in your mind, to know there are limits but to roam over them, to be back to the childish delusion that everything is possible.

How soon is now?

2011-10-27T17:50:00.002+03:00

9 hours ago TR teased his twitter followers with “OK, back to work. LOTS of new music coming your way very soon...”

I hope he’ll be using his own voice this time. I miss that voice. And I can’t hide (I don’t see why I should) that I’m very curious what lyrics are going to be about. He’s happy, settled and in love-what is there left to piss him off?

Cut-and-dried trivia

2011-10-27T10:14:00.000+03:00

I ask myself how I feel and I honestly can’t tell. Funny how little there is that I find worth complaining about; actually nothing comes to mind right now. Not that my life is perfect but considering how imperfect it could be and knowing that what I have is much more than many people do downgrades my wannabe-drama to a poor school play. All the basic ingredients are in the pot and yet the outcome merely serves the purpose to sustain rather than to satisfy. And I think I can guess why-it misses passion. Walking on the dreamy side is an enterprise much harder pulled off in winter and I’m afraid there may come a spring when nothing will grow back to life. Time is like a rope on my neck pressing tighter and tighter and I feel my energy to oppose withering with each beat of my heart. If that is what maturity is about then it’s grandly overrated. My mind is not ready to descend from flourishing to decay; not yet.

Superheroes of the world-unite!

2011-10-12T10:09:00.001+03:00

My heart misses a beat each time I spot a NIN connection. So here we have NIN in the trailer and Robert Downey Jr. in the movie-what more can I ask for? Well, many other things but as for now this is quite enough to make my morning a good one.

The whole package also includes a bunch of superheroes gathered to save a world that probably does not deserve the fuss but I’m sure they’ll put on a good show. There’s something soothing about superheroes don’t you think? I guess that’s why religion is still so popular-it makes people believe that no matter how deep they fall there’s always someone to pull them out of the mess.

Not again :)

2011-10-08T15:53:00.000+03:00

And again I become obsessed with a band that turns out to be a one-man show. IAMX. I knew the name; I know that years ago I downloaded an IAMX album but somehow didn’t pay much attention and they kind of got out of my sight (NIN were on tour; there was room for nothing else in my mind at the time). A few days ago one of my best friends sent me a couple of IAMX songs asking “Do you know that band?” Well, yes, I’ve heard the name but as for the music…how embarrassing. I played the songs to remind myself and, oh my, that voice! I know that voice. I love that voice! Where do I know it from? Why do I already love it?! Google instantly revealed the mystery-Sneaker Pimps; that’s where I know it from. So here I am, listening for the last few days to nothing else but IAMX and I just can’t get enough of it. Chris Corner’s voice is like a drug that wipes out all those blunt details that make the picture of everyday life dull and ugly and sends me directly to the stars to look upon life in its utopian and fairy alternative version. It breaks me in half. So far I don’t care what he sings about as long as he sings.

Today I finally checked the band and what did I read? “All albums are performed, produced, mixed and mastered by Corner himself.”

Not again! :))))

Have I said I like it when men wear eyeliner? Hmm, I believe I have.

The eyeliner is a bonus :)

4 min and 40 seconds that take my breath away

2011-10-07T07:56:00.000+03:00

24 hours, 1440 minutes, 86400 seconds

2011-09-24T09:21:00.000+03:00

“Never put off till tomorrow what you can do today.” - Thomas Jefferson

Correct, of course. If you do it today you will have your tomorrow free-to do (or not to) whatever it pleases you.

It reminds me of the way “Travels with my aunt” ends. Henry is a recently retired bank manager in his 60s. At his mother’s funeral he meets his aunt Augusta whom he hasn’t seen since he’s been just a little boy. It doesn’t take long until he’s completely devoured by his aunt’s world of adventures, shady affairs and dubious characters. To cut the long (and enchanting and very funny) story short Henry and aunt Augusta end up in Paraguay and he’s facing the choice to either return to his neat Southwood house and his dahlia garden where, as Augusta puts it “you will think how every day you are getting a little closer to death. It will stand there as close as the bedroom wall. And you’ll become more and more afraid of the wall because nothing can prevent you coming nearer and nearer to it”, or stay with her in Paraguay where “tomorrow you may be shot in the street by a policeman because you haven’t understood his words or a man may knife you because he thinks you’re acting in a superior way. But you won’t be edging day by day across to any last wall. The wall will find you of its own accord without your help, and every day you live will seem to you a kind of victory.” Henry makes up his mind: “I have been happy but I have been so bored for so long.”

Some consideration of the consequences before acting is by all means healthy; to think first “What’s the worst that can happen?” instead of jumping in blindfolded.

Well, sometimes the worst is nothing to happen at all.

A cougar wannabe

2011-09-18T18:28:00.000+03:00

One moment in time

2011-09-17T08:44:00.001+03:00

9 pm last night I was walking home after a mild and rather ceremonial celebration to mark the end of a dreadful week. Sometimes you feel so worn out that your sense of reality takes a day off too…which is not necessarily bad; it makes even trivial look new. The setting felt so surreal-to be amidst people and yet alone with my thoughts while “Still” gently caressed my ears; as if I could walk to the edge of the earth. A moment perfect in its fleetingness.

And All that Has Been

2011-09-10T10:16:00.001+03:00

So today turns out to be the International Nine Inch Nails Holiday. Surely I don’t need a special day to pay tribute to The Band but I’ve been looking for an excuse to post this song and the occasion seems to fit in just right:

"The gathering of flowers"

2011-09-05T19:05:00.000+03:00

I feel purified when I listen to it; I want to swear I will never again do anything I’d be ashamed of (and I do); it makes me want to be someone worthy of that beauty.

This goes on...and on...and on...and on...

2011-08-28T08:25:00.003+03:00

It is vital to have something that will never change for you. An untouchable core to bear you essentials so that no matter how far you may happen to slip always to have a ground to return to and start rebuilding.

Blindfold

2011-08-26T18:35:00.000+03:00

Just as with anything of real importance you realize how much hope means to you when you lose it. “Better late then never” should not be taken for granted. Sometimes “late” is just as good as “never”. Sometimes doing it wrong is much better than not doing it at all but that occurs to you so late that you wish it has occurred you never.

Words are tricky aren’t they?

In suspense

2011-08-26T08:41:00.001+03:00

I entered a FB competition to win free tickets for the Jane’s Addiction concert in London on August 30^th. The condition was to write in a comment why I should be given those tickets. The winner will be announced later today. No, I don’t think I’ll be picked up-they will probably choose an UK resident anyway. But I have a whole Friday of day-dreaming yet to go and as far as I’m concerned that is an infallible recipe for a good time. And if I happen to be the lucky one? To arrange travel and accommodation at the last minute can be nerve- and wallet-breaking…but that’s a chance that comes once in a lifetime and you can’t say “no” to that. Besides, living a dream is priceless.

It isn’t about the free of charge tickets of course. I simply lost track of time and missed to buy my own tickets before the show got sold out.

And now I wait. Oh, my, to think I have a chance to feel that rapture again…

Don't let the truth ruin a good story

2011-08-23T07:54:00.001+03:00

There has to be more to life than what it seems there to be. And if there isn’t then I’ll have to invent it.

...

2011-08-20T20:52:00.002+03:00

I miss my Vincent. Pain is still suffocating as if it was just yesterday that I parted with him.

I love the taste of magic early in the morning.

2011-08-19T16:51:00.003+03:00

Last night was uneasy with me waking up a few times for no apparent reason and each time there would be one and the same song on my mind-Brian May’s “Too much love will kill you”. Why that song?! I haven’t heard it in years and frankly speaking it's not my cup of tea. So when the alarm rang at 5 a very sleepy version of me crept into the kitchen and switched on the TV. I always leave the TV set on VH1 Classic to make sure the first thing I'd see for the day wouldn’t be shocking and obscene (you can always trust VH1 Classic for that). Imagine my amazement when I saw Brian May’s face slowly emerging on the screen as the set was coming to life. I turned the volume up-yes, it was that very song.

Red

2011-08-12T19:54:00.000+03:00

My China rose (that resembles a tree rather than a plant) produced a single bud that sadly fell off before it had the chance to fully bloom. I didn’t want to dispose of it before trying my luck with the camera. I think it worked pretty well:

Bobo

2011-08-12T10:20:00.001+03:00

The dignity he oozes is almost physical-he wears it as if he is an heir to the throne living incognito.

White lie

2011-07-24T17:38:00.001+03:00

Yesterday in a fan-made music video I saw a picture allegedly taken from deviantart. It portrayed a teddy bear toy situated on the pavement in a sitting position. Next to it lay the head of another teddy bear toy and the rest of its body was drawn on the pavement with chalk. The idea was quite simple but the final result bore a powerful emotional impact. So this morning I tried to locate that picture (to no avail alas!) but in the search process I had to rest my eyes on countless images of lonely, abandoned teddy bears helplessly waiting for a friend that most likely will never be there for them. It all got me quite depressed. Yes, I am aware those were toys on those images, man-made objects with no soul. And yet the allusion with broken innocence was too direct for me to preserve objectivity. And just as I was about to dive head first into my private pool of sorrow and self-pity I remembered my own words that I posted just yesterday. That’s why I pulled myself together (what was left of me at lest), disguised in my best smile and went out to make sure that life goes on. So far I’m doing pretty well. However I found out that to keep a positive attitude just for the sake of it takes quite an effort. No wonder it’s not very popular. Lie may be considered a sin but, as the truth and error trial has proved over the years, to lie to yourself is sometimes a vital necessity. Who knows-some day I might even believe myself.

A moment seized

2011-07-23T18:55:00.000+03:00

I came across a cover of The Smiths’s “I know it’s over” done by Jeff Buckley at a concert somewhere in the mid 90’s. Though I love the original his version made my heart bleed. That voice, so tender and fragile at times and so strong and firm at others commanding “Listen to me. Hear what I say.” His performance is so beautiful it hurts. I can’t help thinking Jeff Buckley will never sing anyone’s song ever again. Most of the time we think nothing of significance happens but it isn’t so. Moments pass all the time; moments we can never claim back. Do you know how many moments you’re given? Do you know how many of them you can afford to waste? Of course not. Just as with everything else we tend to appreciate our time only when we run out of it. Maybe that’s one of the reasons I keep this blog- to capture some of those never to be repeated moments.

Carpe diem

2011-07-20T17:05:00.001+03:00

“- Can we leave it for another time, aunt Augusta?”

“-You are wrong to be so confident in the existence of another time.”

from “Travels with my aunt”

In a country, not that long ago…

2011-07-17T09:59:00.002+03:00

I love Graham Greene’s writing. So when I stopped at an online book shop puzzled what author to look for his name emerged on the top of the list because 1) he’s a contemporary writer meaning I’m in no jeopardy of filling my head and vocabulary with outdated words, phrases and language structures, and 2) I enjoy his books meaning reading in his (but not mine) native English will feel much more of a pleasure than of a language practice. As for the book of my first choice there were no hesitations what so ever: “Travels with my aunt”, originally published in 1969. I read it a long time ago in Bulgarian and my only memory of that novel was that it was all fun and joy. Perfect, I said, it would satisfy both my mind and my heart-you don’t get that combination too often do you? (OK, my dictionary says I should use the idiom “to kill two birds with one stone” but I’d rather play ignorant than refer to a phrase that hints even slightly at cruelty to animals. Not that it isn’t almost the same in Bulgarian language-“to kill two rabbits with one bullet”. Yuck.)

According to the story the protagonist, Henry Pulling and his aunt Augusta board the Orient Express at Paris and set on a long and tiring journey across Europe due to take them to Istanbul. As the train leaves Central and enters Eastern Europe the passengers spot quite a change in the scenery outside the train windows. And when they reach former Yugoslavia:

“In the fields horses moved slowly along, dragging harrows. We were back in the pre-industrial age. Tooley and I were both depressed yet it wasn’t the lowest point of our journey; that came as evening fell in Sofia.” Oops. I opened my Bulgarian 1989 edition to compare those lines and to no surprise I found them to be a bit different: “Tooley and I were both depressed and yet there was some more excitement to come our way.”

1989 was the year of the Perestroika in my country. Twenty years later I wouldn’t say life is better or worse; it’s just different. But at least Bulgarian society of today is spared such ridiculous cosmetic makeovers. Today everybody’s free to speak openly and tell jokes about the government without looking around first to see who listens. I was too young then to appreciate that aspect of freedom. To me change meant I could drop the hideous ink-blue uniform and go to school in my jeans. And teenagers of today don’t even have a clue how it used to be just a few years before they were born. They take freedom for granted and why wouldn’t they? I do. You don’t think about breathing unless your access to air is cut off, right? But still it is vital for the memory of the past to be preserved to make sure that it remained just that: past.

Some flowers age well

2011-07-10T08:26:00.001+03:00

Two of a kind...the lovely kind

2011-07-02T19:29:00.000+03:00

The day after

2011-06-27T15:55:00.002+03:00

My closest friends want to buy me a birthday present but I have to choose it. There’s nothing I want, nothing that money can buy at least. I want…I want them always to be by my side, I want them to take a vow of eternal and unconditional friendship so that they would never leave me; I want tears to stop and not to break down each time I see a dog, any dog; I want to enjoy the current picture without the background of past misfortunes.

Maybe I should ask for a lobotomy.

Reflective

2011-06-26T06:25:00.001+03:00

It would’ve been much easier if humans came with user manuals. I’m dying to read mine.

Happy birthday to me.

For the missed ones

2011-06-18T08:27:00.002+03:00

It’s all in my head

2011-06-15T18:53:00.001+03:00

There’s a little trick I do whenever it feels as if I just can't take it anymore: I look outside the window and I imagine that this is the last time I see the deep blue of sky and the fluffiness of clouds. And then my worries become a bit more transparent and the darkness a bit less thick-just enough to let some light through. It sounds simple but amazingly it works.

The moment of "now"

2011-06-12T08:55:00.001+03:00

Words just get in the way. Maybe that’s the trouble-I’m trying to sing a picture, to hear a touch, to make a dress for a soul. Emotions can not be made tangible for the eyes to see and for the hands to hold. They come and go, elusive like the scent of a tree in blossom carried by the wind and you wonder if it wasn’t just your imagination. I love it whenever my mind manages to escape the physical box and roams free of any strings holding it to past, present or future. It is only then that I feel

Eraser

2011-06-05T08:13:00.000+03:00

“The blind have been blessed with security”

When dreams were young and the world seemed to fit in a handful:

A trailer at last

2011-05-29T09:41:00.001+03:00

A trailer to the David Fincher’s “The girl with the dragon tattoo” has been uploaded within the last 24 hours. Finally! It looks promising and sounds even better :) Can’t wait to hear how the Reznor-Ross team did with score. Until then:

Future unknown...and that's OK

2011-05-21T12:29:00.001+03:00

Life is unpredictable which is probably the only thing that keeps me going-you never know what might happen. It might smash your world to pieces; it might save your life. You never know. It's great not to know.

Happy birthday, Trent

2011-05-17T12:59:00.000+03:00

I’m sure even he’s never dared to dream he would go so far as he actually did. Well done, Trent! Happy birthday to you.

“Black Swan” and consequential babble

2011-05-07T09:24:00.002+03:00

At last a few weeks ago I found myself in the right frame of mind to see it. I wanted to make sure I’d devote it my full attention undisturbed by whatever spiritual issues my mind seems to be so fond of. Finally a window of opportunity opened and I plunged through.

I’m still not sure what to make of that movie. It was both surprising and yet so close to my nature. ‘cause I do know how perpetual insecurity and self-doubt feel like just as I know what it is like to crave for something and to (think you) know you’re just not good enough to ever have it. Or…to realize it would be because you’re too good…too good-natured that is, to fight your way to the object of your desire. It is as simple as that-the world is a vicious place and good manners will get you nowhere in the battle for survival. Does the cause justify the means? All I want is to be happy but if the road to happiness goes over other people’s toes then I’ll lose myself along the way and end up just as miserable ‘cause the person at the end will not be the one I was at the start.

“Black Swan” is more than a good movie-it is a piece of art because its voice didn’t just go through me but stuck and echoed. It raises a question not everyone has the guts to answer. How far would you go in pursuit of your dreams? How well do you know yourself? Can you trust yourself?

Huh.

I am a coward. I’m neither proud nor happy with it. It’s who I am but…I hope I am many other things as well. It takes a lifetime to learn how to keep the balance between your good and bad traits. The trick is to get up after each fall, dust yourself and prey for the mercy to be forgiven for you weakness.

One of my best friends says I’m the most tolerant person she knows. Why wouldn’t I be? No one is perfect. I have to forgive if I am to be forgiven in return. I am amazed that people fail to comprehend such a simple logic.

Ah, but I know why-because forgiveness demands to give up one’s ego. Unfortunately people love their egos too much to give them up for the sake of peace and happiness. That is so saddening.

There are moments when I believe with my very being that everything is possible and I can do just about anything I want. It is an amazing sensation to feel free, to feel the master of your desires and in total control of your life. And then reality knocks on my door and wakes me up. Total control requires total solitude and life matters only when shared. At least for me it is so.

Special Easter edition

2011-04-24T11:05:00.000+03:00

(suitable for Christmas as well):

Über-cool :)

2011-03-23T18:17:00.002+02:00

AE posted on FB that picture taken from the NIN archives:

What can I say...TR has a fine taste in music :)

Lazy afternoon

2011-03-13T10:34:00.001+02:00

Stigmatized

2011-03-12T12:55:00.000+02:00

Now whenever I see someone walking a dog I'm torn between envy and pity. Sorrow criples the ability to love.

"There is a dream inside a dream"...

2011-03-09T16:33:00.001+02:00

A nightmare woke me up in early morning. I fell back to sleep but the nightmare resumed from the point it was interrupted. In this dream I was in London (no idea why) with a friend. We were just about to go out for a stroll when an air-raid was carried out on our hotel and I realized a war had just begun. The dream felt awfully realistic and far more dreadful than any of the stereotyped nightmarish scenarios simply because it portrayed a real danger, not some insane movie-like plot but something I lately see everyday in the news. The atheist that I am and yet my first reaction to shake off the cold sweat was to utter: God forbid!

Talking about love...

2011-02-14T12:47:00.002+02:00