I just want something I can never have: November 2009

Intermezzo

Journal log, Nov 27^th 2009

6 PM, burning cigarette in my left hand, a cup of latte macchiato still full to the brim, retro hits from the speakers-I must be in my favorite café. I am-for a fourth time this week; and it is Friday. It’s too early to go home and I’m too tired to go anywhere else. My usual detour between work and home. I feel safe here. No one bothers me. Waiters greet me with a smile (tips help I guess). The fortune for today says “joy”. Not bad, it would come in very handy.

It’s so peaceful here; I just lean and stare at people. Occasionally someone stares back but that doesn’t bother me now. Some people complain the place is too expensive. It is…but then again not really because I get the maximum value for the money I give. I pay not only for the liquid in my cup but for the comfort as well and that sometimes is priceless.

It feels as if the time I spend here doesn’t exist. The hidden 25^th hour. Stolen time; just for me to sit here with no worries on my mind because I left them at the door as I walked in. A friend wondered “You go there alone!?”. Well, yes. I recall a quote from Julian Barnes’ “Nothing to be frightened of”: “Loneliness doesn’t scare me as long as I know when it’s going to end”. I don’t but somehow here that doesn’t scare me.

One can get used to many things even if it seems impossible at first. Maybe there comes a point in one’s life when one forgets other alternatives exist. Priorities shift with age. Fatigue accumulates. Comfort starts to seem more appealing than excitement. A good book rather than idle chatter. Silence rather than drunken laughter. Rest rather than sleepless night. I don’t really need to compare myself to anyone else. I don’t have to pretend to be someone I am not just to fit because it won’t make me happier. What is happiness after all? Clean conscience. No regrets. Peace of mind.

P.S. I tried to find the correct quote but apparently no one else seems to like it. Search, however, was not all in vain because I found another great one from the same writer:

"Books say: She did this because. Life says: She did this. Books are where things are explained to you; life is where things aren't. I'm not surprised some people prefer books. Books make sense of life. The only problem is that the lives they make sense of are other people's lives, never your own."

In a Friday state of mind

Optical illusions

Funny how evening gives a magical appearance even to trivial objects.

The view from my office window after sunset:

And even the ugliest building in the Business Park looks like a Christmas tree:

I had just too much of you today

People are my cure and poison. Without them I die; too much of them kill me. (Now, when I put it that way I can’t help to think I shouldn’t bother which one it’s going to be since either way it ends the same.) Too bad the dosage is out of my control. I have no choice but to take it as it comes and swallow it submissively or else there might not be a next one. Sometimes it tastes heavenly as a chocolate muffin; more often it is bitter but frowning is not allowed in public. That is what I have the blog for.

"There is no good, no evil-only me"

People talk a lot and that’s neither good nor bad. That’s only up to one’s liking and one’s friends patience and willingness to listen. What I do find to be a bad thing is when people take themselves too seriously and assume their and their words only should be reckoned with; when they promote themselves to a godlike position and decide they have the knowledge and the privilege to judge what’s right and what’s wrong. Self-proclaimed righteousness is a scary disposition and I’m instantly taken aback by anyone who clearly thinks his/her poo smells of roses. There is no insurance against making mistakes-I of all people should know. And that is not just a figure of speech-I do think I have the right to speak of no one else but me meaning I have the right to criticize one person only: me. And only I know how merciless I can be.

Very few things are not allowed and can not be forgiven under any circumstances. Such as: destroying someone’s life for the sake of personal benefit or simply for the sake of destroying it. My primal argument against existence of God as God is portrayed in religion (any religion; the main character is one and the same and just goes by a different name). Obviously he/she (gender is a minor detail as far as I’m concerned) doesn’t exist because otherwise bad things wouldn’t happen to good people. In other words: punishment would match the misdemeanour. Is it so? Was it ever so? Nope. I suppose in the past religion served the purpose of setting moral standards. Sure, its main purpose was/still is to “keep the flock of sheep in line” and enrich the shepherds at the expense of the numerous nameless sheep. But those were times when few people were educated and basically churches were the only place they could be given guidance about what’s good and what’s evil.

Let me bring you the news: those days are long gone. As long as at least 100 years. And on the scale of an average human life that is a long time. I’m sorry but I just don’t get it how nowadays anyone with at least a grain of common sense would even consider the possibility of God let alone to believe God exists.

Heaven? Hell? Everything’s right here and right now. Does anyone really want an afterlife? I hardly cope with Part 1 and thanks, but no, thanks, I don’t need a sequel.

“What a difference a day makes…

…24 little hours…”

I bet people who write inspirational/motivational books praising the power of positive thinking don’t work in a stressful environment.

A wishful thinker’s perfect moment

It’s early Sunday morning, the daylight just took over the night darkness, the cat is sitting in my lap, purring and warm, it’s “oh so quiet”, and right now, before proven otherwise, everything seems possible.

A few days ago I had a surprise visit at the office: a friend I haven’t seen in more than 5 years. And as if those years in between didn’t exist; as if we parted just yesterday. It felt great to see him again. I miss him.

Al Di Meola in Sofia-November 7, 2009

Time goes by and I don’t want to waste any more of it to tell how the Saturday concert was. And it was…heavenly. It was my fourth Al Di Meola concert (I checked my ticket collection) and his sixth (?) visit to Bulgaria. Al Di Meola proved once again he’s one of the best guitar players (if not the best which is my personal opinion). He’s not only a 1^st class musician but in addition incredibly charismatic live performer who put the whole audience in “Bulgaria” hall under the most wonderful spell. Those 2 hours were surreal and magical as a daydream. Two hours of pure pleasure to remind me there is sunshine after rain and to bring back my smile when it rains again. It is fair to give credit to the other 4 musicians that played alongside Mr. Meola and the way those 5 interacted together in perfect harmony and with mutual joy was like throwing a glimpse at a new dimension-the experience was beyond words and imagination. I felt like bowing to them-and I kind of did at the very end after the encore that drove me to total bliss. I was some 3 m away from them and the realization I was in the presence of someone so great knocked me off my feet. The 5 of them just stood on the stage looking at us, smiling, while we kept on clapping hands-we didn’t want to let them go. I really hope he’ll come to play in Bulgaria again-it’s just never enough!

It arrived!

Don't stop the dance

Tonight I’ll have a night of culture. I almost wrote here “Night of violence! We’re gonna bring it to you, we’re gonna do it tonight!”…ah, I’d so much love to go to at least one more Alec Empire concert…No, it’s another “A” musician but the same letter is the one thing they have in common. Instead of jumping and screaming tonight I’ll sit quietly and breathlessly listen to the melting guitar of Al Di Meola. This is his fourth concert in Bulgaria and my third-I missed him once and I still regret that. Truly looking forward for tonight!